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Comment by LurkingPenguin | Hacker News Reader

Just because a marriage (or relationship of any type) is ending doesn't mean that you have to stop caring about the other person and wanting the best for them. It also doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to treat them unfairly or poorly.

It's not hard to imagine an alternate scenario in which a different person would have at least made an effort to talk to his wife and understand why the marriage got to that point instead of making a V-line for the beach when she told him she wanted a divorce.

Again, the impression I got from comments made in the post was that the OP was self-centered and didn't care that much about his wife's feelings, which one might reasonably assume contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. The OP responded and, to his credit, confirmed "I am selfish and self absorbed".

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"Love your enemy" is the territory of sainthood, but saints don't marry. "Don't judge if you don't want to be judged" is what applies to mere mortals.

> a different person would have at least made an effort to talk to his wife and understand why the marriage got to that point

What do you know about him ? Maybe he already knew why the marriage got to that point. What's the point of continuing when the two agrees that the marriage leads to nowhere and that they are both unhappy ? To be fair, as I read it, this sounds like a pretty sane divorce. And sane divorces are far from being the norm.

There are details missing from the story, and maybe the wife had raised the problems/divorce before and he ignored it. We don't know.

But if you get home and the papers are on the table as he mentioned, that is past the point of talking with your spouse about your relationship, it is the time to get out, think straight and then head to a lawyer to make sure all is done right.

(coming from someone that has been divorced for 5 years and am in good terms with my ex-wife, we help each other all the time and talk about things/life regularly as friends)

>if you get home and the papers are on the table as he mentioned, that is past the point of talking with your spouse about your relationship

I would argue that's the point where the talking should start (ideally there is also talking before it comes to that, of course).

Nope. If the papers are out, better call Saul. There was plenty of talkie talk before that. Saul will tell you, once you've been served, No talking after that.

Yes, most correct comment. It would be impossible to convey all side of each side. Most situations relationships involve a complex interchange of many emotions and other issues. There is of course now way to explain all that here.

But that's wasn't the point, the point of the post was that I had a moment of clarity, of what was important to me and where my life was going. I got married because that is what society and family expected, I realized that was not for me.

But ya, if divorce papers are on the table, time to smell the coffee, the fat lady is singing, turn out the lights, time to move on.

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