Funny to read this, I used to be a contract musician. :-) I wrote backing tracks for CD-ROMs, little sound logos for companies that long since failed, and audio effects and other tracks to be sold to multimedia content authors.
I knew I couldn't hold a candle to my friend who played in a band on the side, but he's the one who got me the job. I'm glad he appreciated my way of looking at things, and we certainly saw things differently.
He viewed music as enjoyable art for the release of subjective emotional energy. I did too, sorta, but only partially and mostly with regard to listening to music, not making it. I viewed the creation of music as a way to get a specific reaction. To him, that wasn't very interesting. To me, it was extremely interesting. Put specific sounds and textures in here, this guy with a goatee listens and goes "nice", and money comes out over here. Use the money to buy cooler software, learn how to wire a Reason rack together, and repeat.
I think I'm pretty similar with code. I do like to code for fun sometimes (and what I might call an expression of subjective logical ordering & aesthetic), but my psychology automatically swings over to "economic benefit" with just about everything that I do. So I sometimes have to work harder to really authentically enjoy a thing for what it is, but I do that more often as I put on the years.
Another thing about 9-5ers is that work tends to railroad peoples' perspectives about their role if they don't set up really firm boundaries. So they might not be as open-minded about what it means to be a coder/programmer/even-just-a-person-who-types, as you are. Experientially, maybe that's very much associated with pain and suffering on their end. So the discussion is something with which they're well-familiar and maybe pessimistic even, and it feels restrictive to you.
So it could be that it's wiser to ask them about their past, the foundations of their career, the stuff that really got their interests going before they got on the professional railroad tracks. Or just other topics that can be expressed or solved in a programmatic / code-oriented way, without talking about writing code. It sounds like you're a pretty analytical person so this ought to be a cinch.
PS, IMO this kind of discussion is really close to a comparison of "use your own brain and make stuff" vs. "don't reinvent the wheel, use what's already out there" psychology. The latter being more "code as tool toward given set of important ends" than "hey, I really like coding for what it is!" Rather than fight a battle between the two I think you're on the right track looking for a path toward a more inclusive or integrative view.