Ask HN: Why Bother with All This? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Why Bother with All This?

37 pointstkojames43 comments

off topic: feel free to downvote into forever. I am really struggling with mental health and work life balance. I graduated college not to long enough 2014 with political science degree. I loved it and my goal was to work with supreme court as clerk... Foolish I know. I got into programing.. I am going to be 30 in may. I feel so burnt out. I left my job after college in 2019 from 68k to 120k and now with n we job around 220k total Tc. But I am so worn out. My family life is terrible... My dad found a new lady and now I Have second "mom" it it super werid and they all live together. It is super creepy. I have wife that I love so much. But I don't want her to deal with this... What should I do?

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If you break your foot, you go see a doctor. If your car is struggling to go up hills, you take it to a mechanic. If your mind is exhausted and your mental health is struggling, you should see a therapist.

I started seeing one when covid lockdowns started coming in my town, and it’s been a life changing experience. They work with you to uncover what is happening, and teach you strategies and ways of thinking to accept or overcome the issues you’re facing.

Right now if your mental health is struggling, it will impact your decision making and so many other aspects of your life. Rather than make a huge decision like quitting a job or career, first go get some help and discuss it with someone who is trained to help. All the best.

This is the best advice you'll get on this subject. Therapists can help you with your problems far better than we ever could. They can determine if you need medication to help you get through this rough patch and what sort of therapy you need. You seem to have funds to do this as well, so consider it an investment in your mental health.

Thank you! I just love my family but as told my wife this shit is something I am not ok with.. and we want to have kids but I do no really want them to be involved if that makes sense..

Seeing a therapist is the best life advice you'll ever get. They can help you cope with all this while protecting your sanity and allowing you to constructively move forward with your life.

Take some of that money and pay for some therapy and talk about this stuff. Not meant to be a flippant comment - it’s genuinely the best thing you could do for yourself and your wife in this situation. Be prepared to fire therapist that don’t click though. Also, try and renegotiate commitments you’ve made to yourself and people in your personal and professional life. You can improve your situation!

+1 to fire until it clicks and it’s the right therapist for you.

I think you should talk to your wife, family, friends, your GP, or look for other mental health resources available to you.

There do seem to be a lot of informal or amateur online forums for support or help which might be very good too, I would just be a little wary of those kind of things and be careful how much you trust and invest into them.

Good luck.

First, I emphatically second what many others have said: See a good therapist that has an evidence-based practice. You can find one by clicking "Find A Therapist" here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ I should also note that you might need to try a few out until you find one that you connect with. There is nothing wrong with that and is quite common.

Also, it sounds like the work you're doing isn't what you really want to be doing. Sure, it pays well and, with a family, income is an important consideration but, I suspect it is more important to your wife that you are happy than whether you're making a lot of money.

Maybe US Supreme Court clerk isn't attainable but what about your state Supreme Court? (I'm making the uneducated assumption that state Supreme Courts have clerks) Maybe there is some other area of law that you can work in that will be just as fulfilling to you? It's probably worth putting some time into researching that, especially if programming isn't providing more than a paycheck.

Finally I recommend letting your parents live their lives the best they know how. Yeah, it's unusual but, there's not much you can do other than accept it.

Others have discussed a therapist, and while they do have professional training, one of their biggest values is talking to someone not in your social circle.

It allows you to dump emotion and mental stress, without worry of peer group judgement.

I think it's a good idea to share with spouses, but, also good to not dump on them. And each situation is unique. So if you do don't want to, don't.

People used to dump on their priest, or their bartender. The therapist is sort of a replacement here.

Last thing... regular talks with that outlet, does more than the talk overall. You've let stuff bottle up.

Letting it out regularly helps.

Feeling disillusioned with your professional life is one thing

One of your parents finding a new relationship mostly isn't your problem, you're an adult, a 30-year old adult, worried that your spouse is going to conflate your professional life and your parent's social life as a problem? Is your relationship really based on your spouse caring about your dad's romantic life, because that sounds like its own problem if so! Really talk to a therapist because my sole role here is to invalidate all of your problems because this seems procedurally generated by a GAN.

Talk to a therapist. Any therapist you can find will be helpful to begin with, don't get stuck on choosing the "best" one.

They'll help you understand yourself better, learn what it is about your circumstances you actually like and don't like, and why you like or don't like things.

They'll also help you find out if you want to change anything, and what, if anything, is holding you back from making a change.

Have you ever seen a therapist? Talk with a real person about what you're going through. You have a lot of options at your age with that much money. You don't need to feel trapped.

Your first step is to get yourself back into a mindset where you can rationally reason about things. To analogize, the problem is in the operating system (the mental processes that help you do things in your life) but you're running diagnostics on the higher-level processes (job, family, etc.). So what you do is you run the low-level repair algorithms. As everyone else says, talk to a therapist or counselor (which it sounds like you can afford) - there are even online services for this if the activation energy of finding a counselor in the normal way is too high. Finally, don't forget the more mundane things, in particular prioritize getting good sleep any way you can. Many (most?) of us have been in the same place - things can and will improve once you re-center yourself.

Speak to a therapist.. best thing I’ve ever done. There’s light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

A thing I invested in (by working less and cutting expenses) while in my 20s was to plow through a good swath of western (and other) literature, both fiction and non-fiction. Reading forces you to build and hold a construct of the author’s thinking inside your own head. It’s as close as you can get to living other lives and feeling how other people understand, experience and deal with the up-down-sideways of life.

How many books? Which ones? Many. All sorts. Try to get recommendations. Try not to reach conclusions too soon. It takes a critical mass, false starts, dead ends, unexpected journeys, trial and error.

Not a substitute for therapy, but definitely synergistic.

In addition to all the great advice on this thread, how many hours a week are you working? If you can try to cut back down to 40 for a while.

What do you do for fun? If you're in a strong burnout it might be hard to answer. If you can get to make it your hobby to find something fun to do or reconnect with something fun you used to do.

Video games, hiking, writing, painting, drawing, playing an instrument, going out for a coffee or having a video call to an old friend can really help.

It's been written elsewhere but find a therapist and take care of yourself. Try to do 15 minutes of intensive cardio or 30 minutes moderate. Eat a good meal.

Thank you!!! This is great advice. I love golf corny I know.. but the wife and I play every weekend. Idk the hard part is my grandpa is still around and starting cancer treatment soon I love the guy. He hates everything is happening. I am just trying to hang on. So I can't cut them out out of my life .. just like like my dad did to help his family. But he was being a dick.. and idk I just worry I am going it for the wrong reason.

Live for yourself and the people you love, few things matter outside of this.

Ditch things which may seem important or interesting but which in the long run are unlikely to have a significant impact on your life (e.g. reading Hacker News daily, watching the news, watching TV)

Your wife is married to you, part of the bargain is sharing both the good and the bad. I don't know what the financial split between you and your wife is, but even if it is 50-50 tell your wife you are having a rough time. Try and work out a system where she carries more of the load while you figure things out.

Seek professional help, or engage in meditation.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you!! I will do whatever for my wife she makes me so happy. And that is problem I feel like I need to break away from my family.. bt is it is really hard. My best friend said I got all the material items you wanted as kid but I was never loved at all.. his family took me in.. my wife family loves me so much. I know I need to break away from from family.. but I still love them idk why I wish I could stop and not care.

220k for programming?? Is this a normal amount in the States? Here in the UK that would be an extremely high amount to be paid for programming. Could it be that the reason it's so high is it's a very demanding job?

I get paid around 50-60k USD, and I'm 40, been programming for 20 years. However I value my sanity over my pay, so have never pursued high stress or demanding jobs. This probably explains my low pay, but I live a comfortable life in a nice house in a good neighborhood (my wife works part time). I have time to spend with my kids and exercise regularly.

You have to understand though that renting even a tiny flat in the valley or NYC is equal to a full monthly salary in some other parts of the US and the world.

Median rent of a 1bd apt in SV is … $3,300 per month. That’s $40K/y for just the rent alone.

Everyone is saying to see a therapist, but what is really important is that if you don’t feel comfortable with one, you see another one until you find one that you are comfortable with.

Second what everyone else is saying: Please find professional help as soon as possible. In the meantime, know that we are all rooting for you! Hang in there!

If you need to talk to someone immediately there is the Samaritans:

http://www.samaritansusa.org/contact.php

I have no idea what they are like in the US but they are very helpful in the UK.

You should talk to your wife about all of this, I'm sure she would want to know and would want to help.

Thank you. Thankfully the wife and are very open and talk about this stuff. She thinks it super weird and not cool.. which means idk what to do.

Sorry to hear, but nevertheless it was good that you talked to her.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good "tips" on a platform like HN, but ultimately, I don't think this approach is going to help you much.

Obviously, if you're not happy right now, there's only two things you can do: leave everything in your life the way it is (and hope you're going to feel better about it some day in the future), or make a change.

You need to estimate for yourself how likely the first part is, and that's not easy because you're not neutral.

If you decide that something needs to change, the first thing would be to find out what that is. Where did the mismatch between your expectations and reality originate from?

I think to a lot of people, change can be stressful. After all, not everything is bad about your current situation - take your salary, for instance. Giving up something might feel like a step backwards, but don't forget that if you don't make any change, you'll be forever stuck in case 1 above.

It will take some time for the dad thing to become the ‘new normal’. Don’t expect to be fine with it straight away but keep trying over time because it’s worth it. Do small stuff like going round for a quick coffee.

Since, as far as it seems, the lady isn't coercing your dad, you have a problem with your dad, not her.

If i was in your position I would read up on Ayurveda and the Gita. Ayurveda will strongly recommend a change to your diet and environment, to change your gut brain connection and the GIta will give you great advice.

Perhaps this helps answering the question "Why Bother with All This"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14

As someone coming from a broken family, let me tell you that if your dad found a second mum and those three live together peacefully it‘s a good result and just none of your business. Your parents so not exist to fulfill your expectations, you are a 30 year old person, not a child. By the way, using your wife as an excuse for your moral expectations is childish. “feel free to downvote into forever“ is super whiney and passive aggressive.

You are young, and - to me - you seem to be very self focussed. I think you should consider yourself lucky to have a job and a partner. Consider changing jobs if something more fulfilling is within reach that will not burn you out.

And see a therapist to help you sort yourself out. It really helps to understand oneself better.

In my experience, "you should feel lucky" doesn't carry weight. I've been absolutely miserably depressed in situations 98% of the world would consider blessed.

I knew I should feel lucky. I was lucky. I had every reason to feel lucky.

But I didn't. The answer for me was elsewhere.

My point was not “if you are depressed, just start feeling lucky”. OP was writing about himself disapproving his parent’s relationship arrangements. This aspect is not depression, but entitlement.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psilocybe

If you have chest pains, the sensible thing to do is seeing a doctor, not autoadministering drugs. The same goes for mental issues, you see a therapist before improvising any treatment.

Pursue the meaning of life in a community of faith.

There is no joy in material things.

The secular therapists and chemicals can assuage the mind and the flesh, but the soul will hunger.

Did you tell your parents how you feel about it?

Yes!! Since I this started over 15 years ago.. the problem is now this lady is having open hear anything surgey for some head value problems.. so even though it have cired and told them every years ago I bring out up now. They will not listen to me.. idk wanna be dick bit this lady ruinedy my family life why should I care what happenes to here! Sounds terrible but it is this bad .

Quit your job

this must be a bot, right?

I am real unfortunately.. this started when I was about idk 15 this lady came into our life

Really, your parents have been in a stable triple relationship for 15 years and you feel like you are entitled to disapprove of this? You are a 30 year old man today, not a 15 year old boy!

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