The Anatomy of Assholes (2020)
scottbarrykaufman.com
scottbarrykaufman.com
Edit: What was the downvote for?
Today on the train I saw some bullies. Kids wouldn't let the quieter kid sit with them.
What I could see immediately in their eyes is the knowledge that they can just do that. There are no repercussions. There is nothing anybody can do. This works. The bully just lashing out because of his own issues is a myth. This is just how humans work and certain societies are able to mitigate the blow.
There is a social hierarchy, we reward those who enforce it and we respect those who create it - which is good (agency), even if they behave like assholes - which is bad.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but there are people who take what isn't theirs. Even just in the physical realm policing doesn't seem to work that well. There are just societies with more trust and thus less thievery.
What to do about our psychological world?
These two things are not mutually exclusive though. If you want to take your frustrations out on somebody else, you do it on people you can take them out on, not people you can’t.
And yeah, most of those little shits have issues. Just because someone is an asshole doesn’t mean they don’t have anxieties and insecurities that motivate their behavior.
I'm able to forgive a frustration. You cut me off, you have a bad day/parent in hospital - I'm able to live with that. That is in stoicism, radical acceptance etc. You do it just because - it's a different animal. "Just because" meaning, you take the power.
I'm finding it hard to discuss social hierarchies. They clearly exist. I suspect they have a much greater influence on many things, depression for example (seems to me like a "self own", making oneself lower in the hierarchy, maybe as a survival strategy, but coming with unintended consequences).
But people are unwilling to talk about it or get political very fast, because it seems to all hint to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Might_Is_Right.
Structures and processes that place a high value on all people and their many quirks instead of conformity to an arbitrary leader are likely to do better in most situations than ones that don’t.
Which probably means being at the top of the social hierarchy in such a population is even more valuable.
Selfishness is a luxury humans indulge in because those pressures are quite weak in modern days.
So if your commentary meant valuable as in dedicated to the point that the individuals at the top become shit sponges for everyone else and do die as saints or martyrs, then yes, it is very valuable.
That being said, it depends on where you put value in life.
It really was the worst time in my life personally and I often felt like I just wanted to end my life.
Luckily I came through, and life as an adult is a lot easier. We still get grouped together with strangers at work, but there are unspoken rules how to behave as an adult that most adults actually follow. Also most adults have some degree of not wanting others to feel bad.
There are exceptions however. Some people are just mean.
Bullying behavior exist also in the bullied: The quiet kid had to appease the bullies.
Train these roles often enough, both parties are on a set course for life.
It's clearly implied in my understanding that the cool kids pushed him over however, and that you expect they were to let the kid sit. The interpretation still depends on the environment, and the details, because it is a legitimate concern in principle, that one might not want to associate with another, and it's left open whether the kid really wanted to sit with them or accomodate them with preferable seating arrangements, or frankly would rather stand than associate with them. In small terms it may be actually quite fair if such distension is communicated quickly anyway--same way that you don't elaborate nearly enough to reach an agreement with your conclusion unless the agreement was established prior to the conclusion.
It seems to fit your example and I think it provides some useful frames for thinking about this and how to improve things.
If you get bullied by your boss, you can count on others joining in.
People are going to "probe" you with some more or less controversial claims or comments and see how you will behave. This is part of the culture and is honestly tiring.
I would not call it "bullying" yet, but it is still a violent way to probe someone's character.
There is a power structure, and there are social hierarchies that ally themselves with the power structure. These social hierachies vary in formality and even in practical knowledge. Some are nothing but fads, quackery, and supersition.
And within these social hierarchies, there are people who seek rank and the preservation of the behaviours that make their badges of prestige important.
These are the bullies, the fanatics, the assholes.
They were probably just an asshole.
He was a typical bully - harassed the kids and teachers, constantly got into trouble.
I was a small, skinny kid, the class joker, academically good and in most ways happy go lucky.
So, we are giving our tests, and this guy would sit behind me, and would constantly bug me to show the answers. I think, I complied a few times.
But one day, I just had it, told him that I would not help. He said, there would be consequences. He caught up with me in the hallway after the test, starts pushing me, there are a bunch of kids.
I've always had anger issues, and when pushed too far, I just blow up.I don't remember what happened, but all I know is at some point I was grappling with him, and next his head went straight into the concrete wall. He just collapsed in a heap.
That was the last day he messed with me.
agency per the article: "self-protection, self-assertion, separation, and isolation"
> The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!
The software engineer is notoriously low on agency.
there are some things to be said for not having comedy though.
But if you have to write about offensive language, while ignoring its ambiguity and offensiveness, and taking as given the term is a legitimate type, and therefore legitimate topic of discussion, then this article is not the worst.
I belive such language is best kept in comedy clubs. That said, having grown up around working class people, the word is unavoidable. And people say it with such conviction, you have to give them the benefit of the doubt at some point that they know an asshole when the see one and that the designation has some utility.
Personally, I think I'd like this better if the graphic was accompanied by a scorecard, then you could score your interactions on public forums in a game of Who is the Biggest A$$#0le?
Since this article is about labeling other people as assholes, I hope it's OK that I did the same.
a) she
b) sure she did
If someone disapproves of your lifestyle it's most likely their own shadow talking.