The staggering, exhausting, invisible costs of caring for America’s elderly | Hacker News Reader

The staggering, exhausting, invisible costs of caring for America’s elderly

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The staggering, exhausting, invisible costs of having an atomized society where adult kids don't take care of their elederly parents (to "enjoy their lives" - by being overworked, lonely, depressed, with no friends and support to fall back to, and ending up eventually themselves too in some gray nursing home, abused by the staff and ignored by their kids).

(Not just American - it's all over the west).

Even in eastern societies people aren't necessarily happy to care for the elderly. Some young Chinese women are reluctant to marry because they'll get stuck caring for their in-laws. And I'm not criticizing them, just pointing out that the issue isn't a simple east / west divide.

https://www.cnn.com/2021/01/29/china/china-millennials-marri...

I would definitely advise my kids to take that into account when deciding on a life partner. I watched my mom waste all her best years caring for super old in laws for nearly 3 decades. I remember her venting to me on our grocery trips how she had no life, and I knew she watched all her friends and women family members that had better in law situations live with much better quality of life.

My father had cancer, but was adamant that his children not be dragged into it. We ended up having to rush to another country to watch him die and cremate him, but it is what he wanted. I can't imagine burdening my children with my infirmities.

And what happens when your mother gets Alzheimer's in her 50's?

You have two kids, a job that could lay you off at any time, and a mortgage and you're barely over 30. And now you have a mother who requires 24/7 healthcare and will never improve.

Elder care is a societal problem because one person cannot muster the resources for even a single, high-maintenance elder with dementia.

>And what happens when your mother gets Alzheimer's in her 50's?

Same thing that happens when your kid gets born heavily autistic or with any other disability, or when your wife gets heavily ill, or your husband, and so on.

You man up, and do what you can.

Sure, everybody would like to be the perfectly free human, running around without a single care.

But when everybody is like that, nobody matters.

Just like their ill parents (or ill kid) are just something to get rid off and distance themselves, the same holds true to how others see them them.

When the mindset erodes a society, nobody is there for you. They're just there while being around you appears fun. If/when the fun stops, they'll split (like friends of the rich when they lose their money).

The way people treat others in their family and close friends -- as mere objects to discard when not convenient, and as "chains around their legs" when they are in need, naturally comes back for them too.

In the end, they just amass empty experiences as isolated individuals, not able to connect to anybody, since them and others can't stand sacrificing their fun to anything.

>Elder care is a societal problem because one person cannot muster the resources for even a single, high-maintenance elder with dementia.

It's a problem around how society is structured.

> Same thing that happens when your kid gets born heavily autistic or with any other disability, or when your wife gets heavily ill, or your husband, and so on.

There is a VAST difference in taking care of someone whose body is the problem vs their mind being the problem.

In addition, taking care of these kinds of people is, in fact, a modern change--like within the last 100 years change.

Before that, these people whose mind prevents them from meaningfully interacting with society ever again would have been left to die.

And, to be blunt, if I had Alzheimer's, I would want to die rather than forcing my family to care for me. There is nothing to be gained prolonging your life if you have Alzheimer's.

I admire how Terry Pratchett dealt with his and went out on his own terms.

> It's a problem around how society is structured.

Agreed.

>In addition, taking care of these kinds of people is, in fact, a modern change--like within the last 100 years change. Before that, these people whose mind prevents them from meaningfully interacting with society ever again would have been left to die.

You'd be surprised. Families have tended to members with disabilities (body and/or mind), for millenia.

The "just put them in a hospice/asylum" and forget about them, is what's quite novel.

I think there is a difference between caring for someone in terminal decline, and being there for someone who is experiencing acute crises. I can see reasonable lengths of time for caring for someone to be in weeks, months, maybe even a couple years.

But after that, I do not see the point of the healthy person’s sacrifice. And with today’s medicine, people can limp along for decades.

Fun Fact: everyone born is in terminal decline.

This is neither fun nor true. Kids do not decline, they grow, and that's only the most blatantly obvious example.

That's just a temporary stage, after which they enter terminal decline, with no exception.

I want my kids to enjoy their time on earth rather than spend them caring for me, especially if it means chronic round the clock care. I hope I can muster the courage to take myself out (and we advance on assisted suicide) by then.

Your version of enjoying life is not an inevitability, and taking care of elders day and night will not inevitably lead to the opposite either.

Yup. It's my generation's turn to perform eldercare.

I will not become a burden.

I will die in my own bed.

I will not allow predators to suck out all my assets.

So I've been researching suicide kit options. And everyone has explicit instructions to smother me once I can no longer take care of myself. (Or hookers and blow. Or race car over a cliff. Whatever works.)

Yaya, I could land in facility against my will. I get it.

My parent's generation was kept alive, long past their times, because of ambiguities. I'm being explicit.

Proactive. Explicit. Responsible. This is the way.

If this is really how you feel at least do it properly and legally and get whatever your jurisdiction calls an advance directive set up.

An interesting observation for me in my local circles is the difference between friends’ grandparents (89-90+) and our parents (60+) when it comes to maintaining their health. Barring genetic diseases, it would appear that our grandparents stayed healthier longer before requiring help while our parents are in poorer health at a younger age.

Not just the west - China too thanks to the 1 child policy.

You sound scared. Make better decisions and life won't be so terrifying.

Covid has been a godsend for many with parents rotting in expensive nursing homes.

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