I just learned I only have months to live. This is what I want to say
bostonglobe.com
bostonglobe.com
Unrelated but related: How do we keep stories like this in the "middle" of our minds? I've noticed with myself--and many others--that we read articles and essays like this, contemplate them for a moment or two, think about how we should be more {appreciate, grateful, thankful} for what we have, but then--inevitably--somebody cuts you off in traffic, or the plumber is late, or your coworker does something annoying, and just like that, everything comes flooding in.
Is this just human nature (or my own nature)? While reading this essay, I became much less frustrated about a delayed shipment I'm waiting for, and thought to myself, "ah what the hell! It's just a small package! Life is too short to get worked up about things like this." But I know that tomorrow morning I won't feel that way.
Anyways, I'm rambling. It would be helpful to somehow keep these things somewhere in our minds for longer periods of time--not the forefront because we need to get on with things, but probably not the dark recesses either, where we'll inevitably forget them until we come across another one in a few months.
I could die at any second, I want to experience all the things, I'm eager to live.
I think when you really are inescapably a dead man walking your priorities change but not in the same way as a healthy person who is freshly confronted by their mortality. It's two distinct paths of human experience.
Life goes on and nothing has meaning unless you ascribe meaning to it. It feels to me that most people forget to live, they don't even know what they value, they don't know what life or world constitutes a beautiful life/world to them.
Haha--I'm glad you also brought up the packages and waiting in line. It's such a strange annoyance. Like you said, you experience multiple surgeries per year, yet you still experience the same frustration with the packages! I find that incredibly...reassuring is the word that comes to mind. That hopefully means I'm not just some impatient, sulky person, and that we all experience similar day-to-day annoyances, no matter who we are or what our situation is.
Has having the heart defect had a noticeable "outcome" in your life? I guess what I mean is: Do you feel you've made different, better, more conscious choices about school, career, friendships, relationships, etc. due to your having this condition? I think most of us imagine that if we were suddenly diagnosed with a terrible illness or condition, we'd probably start immediately prioritizing things, maybe even quit our jobs, etc. But I'm also suspicious if that's really true. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
Hours before my spine surgery which had 50-50 survival and was needed to stop me from becoming a quadriplegic I was typing documentation for strategy for my startup products to my share holders in case I die.
After I woke up from surgery, The first major decision I took was to close my startup.
Trying to reach out for more is high risk high efforts and I believe our biology mostly tailored us to coast.
Less work more safety sounds like an obvious evolutionary benefit.
That said it's not necessarily the best way to live.
What you have described is simply life, life at it's best.
How do we behave better? It's pretty simple, alas simple doesn't mean that it's easy. Here we go:
1. realize that we are indeed powerful, and we can stop things from degenerating.
2. Forget meditating, too short and restrictive practice. Practice "mindfulness". We can all practice mindfulness 24/7; my mantra is simple: "One, Two, Three, Four" over an over, counting my breath, or counting seconds, or counting my steps (Kinhin). Do it long enough and when life throws you a curve ball (someone cuts you off, plumber is late...) it's almost automatic that after a few minutes (or seconds for those more advanced, but not me) 1,2,3,4 comes to mind; 1,2,3,4, come back to the present moment.
While #2 seems elaborate, #1 is actually the most important one, realizing that we indeed can do something. It got me out of decades of depression.
Also, related, probably not applicable to you, but it was applicable to me: I read an article linked here on HN or "stop being a victim", the implication there is #1 above.
YMMV
P.S.: writing this stuff helps me with my own garbage in my own head.
I practice interrupting myself between stimulus and reaction, and at least noting that I paused, and better if I take a breath and notice what I’m feeling. Ideally I then choose what to do next. So far this is working for low-threat stimuli that I can laugh about. Much more challenging to interrupt are the deep-cut grooves of reaction to my spouse, and concern for her well-being (and mine and everyone I interact with) motivates me to keep practicing.
When I stop and notice, a long, deep nasal breath, 5-6 seconds in and out each, helps me feel more like my immediate needs are met. If it’s big, gnawing thing and I’m not currently embroiled, a cold shower helps put things in perspective, maybe because it shocks my system with a physical threat that overrides the perceived threat? Anyway, feels really good afterwards, and then I’m ready to be an adult again.
I found a similar attitude reading Dostoevsky and “one day in the life of Ivan Denisovich (sp?)”. They epitomize what I call embracing the struggle and are sort of a take on existentialism. Ie realize you exist in every moment (until your death) as a given and maintain the ability to separate your reaction to a moment for just long enough to consider your reaction to it.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Day_in_the_Life_of_Ivan_Denisovich
Practicing mindfulness and instituting a habit of expressing/feeling gratitude are two intentional things that can help maintain perspective.
But to your point, if you don’t practice this intentionally, I think it will always fade.
Being more mindful helps you become more self-aware. Thus, when you feel frustrated you are more likely to objectively notice the emotion which somehow makes it unravel.
As for the gratitude I don't know how mindfulness meditation helps with that but experientially (n=1) I can tell you that it does.
I hope this is helpful. A part of Stoicism can be remembering death. There is a nature walk that I often do and I see two cemeteries on my way. I'm reminded that I need to do what I can each day and take responsibility for myself. If I smile at another person and help someone, then I've done what I can and that's enough
Smiling at people and helping them--I love that! Sometimes in the mornings when I get Starbucks, I'll do the "pay it forward" thing, where you end up paying for the person next in line. I don't know how ubiquitous this practice is, but I'd say once a week someone does it for me at Starbucks, so I try to do the same. I've found that it puts a pep in my step for the next few hours, similar to your smiling and helping people.
Our habits seem to me to be like those of creatures who anticipate living forever, but don't really know what to do with all the time. It's interesting that suffering—not so much success—is what keeps this in our minds. A sibling remarked on Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn, both men of profound sorrows.
The way to get around it is the same as any other habit - mindful practice of your reactions. Let yourself feel angry, but take a breath and make the decision to not act on it and do the harder act of being kind or good as a response instead. Over time, it gets easier, but anger will never leave you completely.
It's easy to be angry, it's a lot harder and more rewarding to purposefully act better instead.
I heard Sam Harris talk about this, and his advice was something to the tune of: Think about something terrible that didn't happen to you today. You weren't diagnosed with cancer. Your spouse didn't drain yoru bank account and leave you. Your child wasn't murdered. There are myriad wholly life-altering things that could have happened to you but didn't -- and even if you do have a bad day, it can always be worse.
It's admittedly a sort of pessimistic/dark way to look at things, but if you think about how it could be worse, it seems easier to look at the guy that cut you off in traffic and go, "Well, at least I wasn't just run off the road into the ditch."
Hits pretty hard.
More likely the author wants to be paid for his work. If he wanted to offer it for free there are plenty of alternative platforms to publish on.
It was published in the Boston Globe, a commercial organisation. I think it's a reasonable conclusion that the author gets paid for their work. He has been at the paper at least since 1979 according to the article.
Then it's behind a goddamn paywall, lol.
I was ready to make the snarky comment "This is what I want to say: Pay $1 for 6 months subscription!"...
As the father of a 5 year old, I cannot fathom going through they. They are very strong people.
So between us we talk sometimes about which of us will die first. Of the two of us my wife thinks I would manage best if left alone, I definitely think the opposite. Would we stay in the house we have lived in for 30 years? Should we move now into a place more suitable for one person? But what remains largely unspoken is the sheer pain we can anticipate in being left behind. Part of me would want to go first to avoid that, part of me wants my wife to avoid it. There is no good outcome.
So when I read this article I read between the lines. He says how much he will miss smiles and hugs from his wife. But I know he will be crying out in his heart for her grief, and the smiles and hugs she will be missing, not just now, but probably every day for years to come. And his children. And all who know and loved him.
It’s a personal thing, but I don’t think we will take anything with us, not even memories. And history will certainly not remember me. And I have written no books. So what do most of us leave behind? Only our place in the hearts of those who have known us, and how we may have, possibly inadvertently, affected their lives.
So TLDR – your footprint will be the shape of how you treated others.
(I enjoyed the article, and many have posted nice comments. Thoughtful comments to this are appreciated, if downvoting.)
Death is the world's change agent. It's never pretty but it must happen.
At least reading this is a reminder to me to not stress too much, enjoy life and be good to your family and friends.
Either use your expertise and skills to make as much meaningful impact you can or just take the time off and enjoy what you have left. Both are fine to me.