Toilet paper-less: my evolution in butt cleaning | Hacker News Reader

Toilet paper-less: my evolution in butt cleaning

andrewskurka.com

23 pointsgalfarragem9 comments

If you ever come across someone who claims to be "rational", ask them about their butt-cleaning routine.

For the enlightenment of fellow HN people I'd like to share my personal butt-cleaning process, one that I've followed 9159 times with no hygiene-related issues.

Step 0: Wake up in the morning, immediately feel like vacating bowels.

Step 1: Enter Indian-style toilet.

Step 2: Take dump.

Step 3: Once finished, keep my phone a safe distance away so that it doesn't fall into the pot.

Step 4: Take a mug of water, and do a thorough cleaning of my /dev/random with the dominant hand.

Step 5: Gently wipe the area with some toilet paper, keeping a close eye on the shades of brown that appear on it.

Step 6: If toilet paper appears clean then continue to next step, else go back to step 3.

Step 7: Wash hands with soap.

Step 8: Be grateful for the invention of the sewage system.

I feel like butt cleaning is one of those things that will look very different 100 years from now. Future generations will look back with confusion and disgust at our use of toilet paper as the mechanism for cleaning the butt post dump.

Shouldn't it be /dev/stdout ?

I get so confused on how North America haven't figured out an easy way to clean your butt yet. Here in Brazil every toilet has a special side hose with the proper water pressure for butt cleaning. Just take a dump, incline a little bit, aim the hose, press the button and you're done. I guess the third world has it's positives.

We have these too, but culturally it just hasn't caught on. It has nothing to do with first world, third world, etc. It's "Did your parents raise you to think that toilet paper works and that bidets are weird?" If so, then you're doomed to have a disgusting, ignorant ass.

The Bum Gun is pretty much standard anywhere in S.E. Asia

He knows about the three seashells

had to google this https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/three-seashells

I believe this is the original version:

"When doing your training under a tree in the forest or out in the open, you will not find a privy already built. So, using water from some convenient valley stream or river, clean yourself off with sand. Since you do not have any ashes at this time to cleanse yourself with, simply use two sets of seven balls of sandy soil. The way to use these fourteen balls is as follows: after having removed your robe, folded it, and put it aside, you take soil that is sandy [rather than dark earth], shape it into balls about the size of a large soybean, and place these atop a stone or some other convenient place, with two rows of seven balls each. Then, provide yourself with some pebbles that can be used for scouring your hands. After that, you relieve yourself. After you have finished relieving yourself, use a wooden or bamboo toilet spatula, or some paper, to clean yourself off. You then go to the edge of the water to wash. Make sure to take three of the balls with you to clean yourself. Put one of the balls in the palm of your hand, add just a little water, mix the ingredients together until their consistency is thinner than mud and quite soupy, and begin by cleaning off your genitals. Then take another sand ball and, preparing it as before, clean off your buttocks. Again, prepare a sand ball as before and, in the same manner, clean off your hands."

http://www.thezensite.com/ZenTeachings/Dogen_Teachings/Shobo...

No hands, use health faucet or bidet & dab with TP to dry

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