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Comment by neckardt | Hacker News Reader

> I constantly come across as a dick because a friend will message me, and I'll think about what to respond with, hesitate because I want to come up with the BEST response, then get distracted by another task, forget to text them back until the next day, etc.

There are two paradigms I see people use to solve this:

1. Text back as soon as you see the message and be okay with your response not being optimal. This is what I do the most.

2. Don't open the app to read the message until you have time to respond, then commit to responding. This way you'll have the message notification reminding you to respond and you don't leave your friend on read.

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> Don't open the app to read the message until you have time to respond, then commit to responding.

Then you end up with unread messages for weeks at a time.

> Then you end up with unread messages for weeks at a time.

If people are a priority for you, then you need to just make time. No one is unable to spare 5 minutes to text back. You just have to sacrifice 5 minutes of something else, whether it's work, a video game, or a hobby.

If you can't spare that, then I guess accept that those people aren't that important to you.

It takes many of us longer than 5 minutes to compose the BEST response (part of option 2), especially if you have a queue built up.

It takes years to compose the best response

5 minutes might be too short, but the idea of waiting until you have time to fully respond makes sense.

Perhaps composing the BEST response isn't the right tradeoff vs being available for your friends and not leaving them hanging?

A person I'm close to does this (takes days/weeks to respond to anything). Important as they are to me, I've basically written them off as someone I can rely on.

The "best" response doesn't objectively exist, but if it did, it would be a function of both time and quality.

For example, when you take 24 hours to respond, the message you're sending is that the person is a low priority, regardless of what text you've composed.

People who feel that anxious about composing the best reply should seek therapy to help them tolerate the distress of doing things imperfectly.

Some perspective: sometimes the best response is signalling to people that they're important to you and that getting back to them quickly is important to you.

> I guess accept that those people aren't that important to you.

The great irony is that when they aren't important, the response is quick and easy. Your poor choice of words can piss them off and you don't have to care.

It's usually 2 for me; I've always hated the implicit idea of phone calls and text messages being "drop what you're doing and talk to me now!" No, I'll respond when I want. (Unless it's an emergency or a business call during business hours.) This sometimes discourages people from calling or texting, which I am fine with. The ones who do still call or text are generally as asynchronous as me, or at least don't care much, so it works out.

I have also gone days without even noticing that I got a text, but it has never led to much trouble.

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