I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, I haven't wanted to find that out. I've been with my wife 10 years now and I love her more than ever. They say marriages last 7 years on average since that's the amount of time it took to get a self-sustaining child out of the door for the majority of human history. If you make it past that programmed span of 7 years, I think the odds of staying together go up significantly.

I would do the same thing you are. Leave once they're into college or otherwise move out. A spouse can think you're just some lazy, but it's harder than ever to maintain employment and being a developer is actually more stressful, not less. It always is for me, I'm pushed pretty hard. It's definitely not loving. I told my wife who has been struggling that we'll use all our resources to make her comfortable. To quit her job or whatever changes we need to make to where we live and the rest. My condolences to you, I think it's impossible to know what type of person you're with until you're in certain situations like that.