Ask HN: How did you overcome misanthropy? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How did you overcome misanthropy?

15 pointsthenaturalist15 comments

Hey all, serious career question. I am genuinely trying to understand other people's perspective here to allow me to grow personally. I can say that I have had what I would assume to be a biography some on here might share: Singled out in school as a nerd and bullied for some years, not many but rather close friends in school, university. For the past three years prior to the pandemic, I've been freelancing solo.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I realise I have somehow become a misanthrope and my perspective of being overly critical of others (customers/ stakeholders understanding the tech in my domain, the lack of innovation and ambition in my EU home country, down to colleagues and my girlfriend) is seriously limiting my development. In the light of how other people are changing the world through software each day, I feel like I am surrounded by people and a society limiting and blocking me. I am aware that generally successful people are good at working with, not against others.

Any tips on how to change one's mind to be interested in engaging with people? I have a huge inertia throwing these pessimistic, harmful perspective out the window.

As you get older, it is likely that you will increasingly recognize that most people are doing the best they can under difficult circumstances, most people behave as they do for survival reasons, and barriers to people's ability to reach their potential exist because it suits the interests of some powerful person for them to be there.

So, to combat misanthropy: try to be helpful and encouraging to the people you interact with personally. Choose to help those who have little to get a little more when you have the option. Fight entrenched, elite power when you have the opportunity.

I generally agree. The thing is, the actions you listed (like survival and power structure stuff) are actually reasons to be a misanthrope, as in having a general distrust of people.

Most irrational backwards thinking originates from a group who benefits from the status quo. It is those people you need to fight, not the average dude in the streets whose views mostly matches whatever propaganda he is fed.

Plenty of valid reasons to be a misanthrope, in my opinion. General distrust of people can be valuable, and my experiences have reinforced it.

I mostly embraced my misanthropy as time goes on. I’m seeing little evidence to the contrary. Trumpers, woke culture, influencers, ccp, etc. It’s fine, don’t fight it. People in groups are kind of disappointing, so I usually look for individuals that are worth a shit (but even there, certainly not bending over backwards).

I don't think there are general prescription to overcoming such feelings. We have to deal them in our own unique ways. Having said that, a good place to start may be by accepting and not judging yourself for being a misanthrope.

When I find myself caught deep in the struggle of trying to change my own mind, I sometimes end up feeling totally blocked and frustrated. It may sound absurd and counterintuitive, but I find that backing away from that struggle frees my mind to then naturally start seeing a more wholistic view of things and resolve such feelings.

Go easy on yourself and remember such resolutions can take time.

Moving is the only the solution.

I’m also from an EU country, and I was living in a city where no kind of innovation is possible.

I moved to the capital, and started working for a startup and later a multinational company. Maybe it’s not Silicon Valley but there is enough innovation to make the people more opened to risk and opportunities.

People there is much more professional, have more resources, and don’t worry about you (no “little town” mentality).

I have learned more (from others) in half the time in the capital than in my original city. There are issues when living in a big city but it’s worth it for me.

I moved out to the woods. Whenever I go back to populated areas, I kind of enjoy people for a while. Eventually, I start to get irritated with them, and then it's time to go back to the woods.

I think "hating humanity" is a lot like "hating being inside." You feel trapped and hate having to deal with it, but once you get away for a while it's not so bad.

You seem already aware that your "overly critical" attitude is somehow mismatched with what you do value. That's the hard part. "Successful people are good at working with others" - i.e. there's something valuable and worthwhile about others, or why work with them?

Many people will push you around if they can, like opportunistic bullies. It's similar to brownian motion, with people filling any gap you leave (like if when waiting to turn when driving, you are too hesitant, many people won't let you in). Is it rudeness, or just human flocking behaviour? The answer is to take up the space that is yours. This is a better defence than misanthropy.

Being bullied for years can distort you own natural flocking behaviour.

Some people are smarter than you, know something you don't, or have experiences/perspective to see something you haven't. By not noticing this in others, you miss out on all that valuable stuff.

It is very difficult thing to do. There are very excellent and very real completely logical reasons to be misanthropic.

However, I think that the only thing that ever countered it for me is when I hung out with groups of people with great attitudes.

For example, I joined a hiking group, and we went out and hiked twice a week. I noticed that the people there were upbeat, because going out to hike in nature seemed to attract people who are upbeat. I so much enjoyed those hikes years ago.

Then last year I joined a tech group that was very personal and everyone knew each other and very helpful and friendly.

But I have also joined groups that suck and I hated them and everyone in them.

So my solution to you is to go to a lot of group meetings and find one whose people you like. Don't stay at groups you don't click with, that is folly.

If there are no groups around, start one of your own. Advertise on meetup.com, craigslist, etc.

And, it is an "in person" kind of thing, not done over social media. Nobody should be allowed to fuck with their smart phones should be a rule - you have to interact with each other.

But, you have to make the effort. It's work. But it is rewarding, if you end up with a group of people that you like.

Also, constant and consistent vigorous exercise helps a lot. Exercise releases all kinds of chemicals - endorphins, dopamine, etc and it makes you feel better about yourself and others. And when you are in great shape, other people get a second sense that you are physically in shape and you let off some kind of pheramones or whatever, maybe have micro-non-verbal communications that let people know, and they like you more.

That's probably why hiking groups are the best. Everyone's endorphins are being released at the same time and it creates a feedback loop within the group, and everyone gets along. This isn't a guarantee, just more statistically likely, I think.

Good luck.

Get the ESTA and go to Silicon Valley. Thats the only real answer and the only answer you'll get here.

That won't get you over your misanthropy, California has problems lol, and Silicon Valley also has a parallel non-technical industry that just caters to people with tech dreams, such as hackathons and VC-star studded conferences with no utility for anyone.

But thats the answer.

This is a struggle for me too.

Here's a hint. In 49 states of the US most people feel the people around them are indifferent to the software revolution. The "exception" is half of New York state and half of California.

In the 1980s people who "got" microcomputers left where they were in despair and moved to Silicon Valley so they didn't feel alone.

SV culture, and in general 'computer culture' is not what it once was. It used to be hobbyist and somewhat idealistic (for an example, read the 'hacker manifesto'). Now most of it is about careers, money, building a CV, self-promotion, politics - all the things that the original culture was not.

Once a safe refuge, it has now become perhaps worse than the very things people were seeking refuge from.

Know it is not personally yours but likely a part of your culture.

It may take discipline to reword the habits of it.

One practice is to voice an appreciation 1 something you genuinely liked - about every interaction, experience, person.

It’s basically a habit of perspective.

Habitualize different perspectives.

Very mechanical - the mind is a mechanical thing.

Notice what you do appreciate in others, even if only part or partial. Over time, this will change you. It's a distortion to only notice deficiencies.

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