Why more women identify as sexually fluid than men
bbc.com
bbc.com
Why is identity so important to folks? I'm attracted to some people, but I don't consider this fact any part of "my identity". Does this mean that I am lacking a basic human characteristic? Most of the language in this article sounds empty, when not foreign. It seems that I'm missing out something very important, but it really doesn't "click" for me. I guess I never moved past my condescending teenager phase [0]
If you're gay, it's inevitably going to be important, but that's not the point of articles like this. It's healthy to be disinterested when it's a product.
People aren’t. And still aren’t.
When you actively oppress people for who they are, it’s not surprising it becomes more important.
Alternatively: why are they completely absent in the countries that need them the most?
The US wouldn’t need Black Lives Matter if they actually did. Skin color wouldn’t matter and wouldn’t be part of people’s identity if people weren’t racist.
Why are there no scarecrows in fields full of birds, where they would be needed the most?
Do you have examples in mind? I can't think of a single culture that accepts LGBT as much as non-LGBT. Even ones that are somewhat close only became that way in the past decade or two.
> Alternatively: why are they completely absent in the countries that need them the most?
Because being identified as LGBT could literally endanger your life in those countries.
edit: I'm addressing identity as a whole - not in the context of s3xual preferences.
I am no psychologist - but an engineer. I've noticed us engineers aren't feelers. More often we run our interpretation of the world through logic and thinking first, rather than feelings first.
Some people are heavy feelers and run events through feelings first, especially if extroverts which also means they might look to the external world for validation - and only then run their perspective through the logic domain of the brain.
Neither is right nor wrong; I've noticed feeling & sensor types seem to have 'higher highs, and lower lows' in life.
My friend, aren't you being a little too nice, here? How much do we bend backward to accommodate these 'feelers'. IMO option these 'feelers' are children who never grew up and continue to be parasites on the 'adults' around them. Granted that for many, their traits may be biologically innate, but the 'adults' have only so much of goodwill to spare...
Engineers process things emotionally, too—we’re all human. Often they just refuse to recognize or admit those emotions, and get really resentful when faced with them, or forced to question their own feelings.
What I've noticed most often is engineers, who say they are logical and thinking-first unemotionally, exhibiting:
Anger, frustration, anxiety, exasperation, beligerence, smugness, laughter.
You've almost certainly met engineers who agitatedly tell you how much they are logical, beligerently "reason" with colleagues, or gleefully put down people they regard as soft and emotional.
Those are emotions.
This isn't true of everyone of course. Some people really seem like the emotion chip wasn't fitted. But I have noticed intense emotions in a number of engineers who explicitly describe themselves as being unemotional, logical, and thinking clearly.
It's an interesting blind spot.
Engineers like to put on a front of "I am an logical being therefore I don't feel emotion like the lesser emotional beings". But they show all sorts of emotions like anger, frustrations, superiority, anxiety, etc.
Our peers just don't have very developed emotional intelligence, and don't view their emotions for what they are.
It's a big blind spot, and I think it is further blinded by the lack of emphasis on emotional intelligence that boys experience in growing up. There's also this odd societal view that you cannot be both emotional and intelligent/logical.
I am definitely "male" and I definitely like "women", but it doesn't cause me mental anguish to think a man looks good. Other men clearly have a problem with that thought.
I used to be bothered by the fact that I was uncomfortable when men would find me attractive. But I've realized that what's actually uncomfortable is anyone that I don't want to date, not just men. And now that I'm married, that's everyone but my wife. That same feeling I used to get when a man admitted they were attracted to me, I'd now feel when a woman says it.
IMO, you seem like you're on a path of introspection. I'd encourage you to do that introspection with less worry about being "wrong" and more thought towards how everyone is different.
If you feel something that you think is morally or ethically wrong, then I'd worry about that. But "gender isn't part of my identity" isn't wrong, and it's probably a lot more normal than you'd think. I mean, who talks about what they aren't unless it's a hot social topic right now?
Edit: It's also not easy to look good, especially if you are 30+. It takes effort.
People who can relate around a subject can form a group identity. If a person in a group has a different base reaction to the rest of the group (and especially if the reactions are incompatible, unaccepting of each other), the person can feel outside of the group. They will not identify with the group.
Sexuality is definitely part of a person's identity. Emotional responses to sex/sexuality are quite involuntary after all.
The posed question isn't answered. The article mentions that a higher percentage of women are lesbians. It implies that sexual fluidity is the opposite of heterosexuality, i.e. gay/lesbian.
Also look at how this article treats sex and gender as stable categories. That's very weird coming from researchers that study sexual fluidity.
I'm happy for people to attach their identity to their sexuality, but i dont get it either.
also, science tells us that the larger a community of mammals is, the greater their visual diversity becomes.
since the internet can make you feel like your community is billions of people, the lengths people go to "identify" themxelves will be extreme.
so, yesn tubmlrizing the dragonkin with the co spiracy kin is a very nstural affair. even your "hot take" is part of a identity you are trying to create.
I don't want to rule out you being deeply abnormal, but perhaps you just feel accepted for who you are.
I think sometimes women do things to be different or to protect themselves. Like straight girls in high school claiming they are bisexual when they are not. It makes them different, but it also might serve as a defense mechanism for some people and situations.
"only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
It can’t be that heterosexual men are more tolerant and accepting of bisexual women than heterosexual women are of bisexual men. Instead it has to be bad “fetishisation” that just happens to have some positive side effects because heterosexual men are not allowed to have any positive qualities.
> “Progress has really been made around the female gender role and less around the male gender role,” says Massey.
I think this is a consequence of there being a female-focussed feminist movement, but not an equivalent movement focussed around male empowerment. It means that analyses like these are typically done from a female perspective with all the usual implicit biases that come from that.
It's really disingenuous of the article to not look in the mirror and acknowledge what is happening.
What happens when males are the default oppressor, masculinity deemed toxic and male empowerment movements are actively boycotted?
It's much like talking about "neurotic feminity." There's something to it, but it's not a good way to frame it.
Except "toxic masculinity" is a simple phrase that clearly and unambiguously describes a subset of masculinity as having the trait of toxicity, in the same way "red paint" doesn't refer to all paint, but a subset of paint that is red. If I describe a "toxic mushroom," do you think I'm claiming all mushrooms are toxic? No, it's obvious I'm making a distinction there between toxic and non-toxic mushrooms.
Yet even when the actual definition of toxic masculinity is pointed out to critics, they will often refuse to accept it and insist that it refers to all masculinity regardless of what anyone or any source says. They know what the real definition is, and they don't care.
The term or its framing isn't the problem, the problem is the consistent bad-faith interpretation of feminism and its arguments.
That's how the phrase gets used in practice, though. You never see any feminists acknowledge masculinity at all, other than to immediately describe it as "toxic", in the very same sentence.
In practice plenty of feminist dialogue uses the phrase properly, with far more nuance than your hyperbole allows. But when feminists do acknowledge positive masculinity, men just consider it an attempt to emasculate and control them.
No matter what feminists say or do, men will often lean into the worst possible interpretation. There's just no winning.
The same has occurred with both feminism and toxic masculinity. While the technical terms may be narrow and egalitarian in goal, the vernacular usage has shifted their de facto definitions to be "female empowerment" and "masculinity is bad." You can fight this all you want, but I personally think it would be a better move to just find a new term for the technical definition of "toxic masculinity," because as I mentioned above, it does reference something real that needs to be addressed.
To be honest, I think an altogether new word that isn't a linguistic compound[1] and is narrowly defined as the negative aspects of stereotypically masculine behavior would be the best way to avoid miscommunication.
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compound_%28linguistics%29?wpr...
I don't think it would avoid anything. It would just reinforce the belief that the original term was nothing but a slur against masculinity as a whole, and then the new term would be attacked as well.
After all, it would take far less effort to simply accept that the "technical" definition of "toxic masculinity" exists and is used within feminist critique, and recognize that distinction, than it would to create an entirely new term and have it bubble up through culture. That almost no one seems willing to even assume that modicum of good faith suggests it doesn't matter what terms you use, the premise will be rejected anyway.
That's how people use it, and that's how it's interpreted by normal people.
> That almost no one seems willing to even assume that modicum of good faith suggests it doesn't matter what terms you use, the premise will be rejected anyway.
When dealing with large groups of people, pragmatism runs paces around accuracy. I really do understand what you're saying, but trying to change pedestrian interpretations of words with multiple legitimate interpretations is like yelling into the wind. The pragmatic choice would be to change the language so that people stop arguing about the language and focus instead on the core concept.
If you are a domain expert talking with domain experts, then jargon is good and makes communication more efficient. When dealing with everyday people, it gets more difficult.
No, it absolutely comes across as trying to describe all masculinity and people who say that it's clearly only describing a subset of masculinity always come across like they are trying to rationalize away how it sounds.
There is an equivalent movement for males. Unfortunately it's been entirely co-opted by red-pillers and incels, and rejects feminism and its arguments categorically.
edit: I just realized between those comments I said the modern men' rights movement is both equivalent and not equivalent to modern feminism. What I mean is, they're equivalent in the way apples and oranges are both equivalent as fruits. They fill the same roles but are otherwise entirely different.
And it's ironic, because the mens' rights movement coined the term "toxic masculinity," and it has its roots in traditional masculine/chivalrous ideals and teachings, but now modern MRAs consider it to be nothing but a slur. It's like masculine culture becomes more defensive the further feminism encroaches into its traditional domain.
Indeed. That was very much my original point. I've thought about trying to start one. But the prospect is rather daunting considering that unless done very carefully, it could well end of offending both feminists and MRAs. Which could lead to some... interesting experiences.
Note that feminists mostly encourage many of those traditional gender roles, which is why male movements needs to go against feminism. For example when men opens up about problems women screams out about all the "emotional labour" they now have to do, they don't want men to open up they just say they do to look good and those women are the main reason men actually aren't opening up.
However, one thing here, many male movements has given up on actually fixing the problem and instead focusing on what the individual can do. So instead of trying to fix women, they just accept that women will never see them as humans and work around that. Which is why you get MGTOW, the incels, the dating players etc.
Edit: Also note where we put the blame here. When women creates groups encouraging each other to lose weight and become anorectic, do we blame that group? No, somehow we blame men who wants women to not be fat. However when men creates groups trying to adapt to the insane ideals women puts on them we call it toxic masculinity and blame men anyway.
Yes, in the last few decades we started to see some efforts to create this missing male empowerment movement, but they all seem to end up embracing and heavily leaning on traditional gender roles instead of fighting it. Initially the various efforts seem to run the gamut from conservative reactionary movements to liberal transformative, but as they grow, the more liberal ones seem to always evolve towards a more traditional conservative view.
I think so. But the key word there is majority. I think it might well be a majority, but I don't think it's anything like an overwhelming one (ie.. more like 60% than 99%). That still leaves an awful lot of people for who this organisation doesn't work particularly well.
Women's liberation over the 20th century also shows us that it's very much not a binary thing. Many modern women will embrace femininity when they're dressing up to go out, but also appreciate and take full advantage of the option to wear trousers and adopt more traditionally masculine attitudes when working of exercising.
As someone who doesn't have any inclination towards traditional gender roles, I somewhat question the idea that they are linked to our biological makeup. Or at least, I think it needs to be recognised that it is not as simple as men having one set of inclinations and women another. And I think it's quite important that society recognises this and gives people the flexibility to do as they want to not as their gender roles tell them they should do.
Of course there's a lot of variance in how these gender roles might play out individually. Where I see some potential issues and pushback is largely with the common tendency in these movements, of wanting to throw out gender roles altogether. Again, a key majority of people would find this dehumanizing, not freedom-affirming, Many people want to be told what they might comfortably be expected to do, even if they would ultimately also want the right to choose differently. This is just as true for gender roles as for the many other ways of providing some common shared structure to our actions as we conduct ourselves and relate to others.
Sounds like Queer Liberation is for you! This is very common, and there are very traditional roles for this in my community. I know plenty of ladies who will tell their partners what they are comfortably expected to do. It's a high consent environment, so you still ultimately have the right to choose differently.
I’m not saying it’s entirely on women but it shouldn’t be controversial to say that women have a role to play, including as expressed by who they choose to be with romantically.
Women are the “fairer sex” as they say. Maybe that’s a cultural phenomenon as well, but seems like a better culprit in this case.
Granted I'm basing this solely on my experience having grown up a heterosexual man, but that explanation seems absurd. By and large, it has not been the women who have been intolerant of homosexual men, but rather other men.
What evidence do you base this on? Women's attitudes have a big effect on social norms, so we certainly can't dismiss them out of hand. And women who seem to have negative attitudes towards male homosexuals obviously exist.
Which is more common in your experience: men that won’t date bisexual women or women that won’t date bisexual men?
I've known several straight women who absolutely refuse to date bisexual men, or any man that has shown any bisexual tendencies.
I don't know any guys who would refuse to date a woman just because she's had sex with a woman at some point in the past.
Enough women either refuse to date bisexual men or say things like "Well, maybe if they like girls more than boys". I met a bi independent brand designer in Portland whom relayed rather humorous stories of liberal, straight women's discomfort with his bisexuality.
Then there's the sect of women who'll suggest a man is gay as a insult, but when rebuked will play a rhetorical game like "What's wrong with being gay?"
I once went on a date with a data scientist and when I told her I was interested in getting a cat, either to be provocative or accidently revealing herself, she loudly proclaimed "That's gaaaaay" in the middle of a restaurent. When I confronted her the next day about this statement, she said things like "I have gay friends", etc.
This notion that liberal women are absolutely receptive to queer men or anything they perceive as effeminate in men has real limits that are not actively investigated, and it has nothing to do with a subjectifying male gaze.
[1] https://today.yougov.com/topics/relationships/articles-repor...
I think I stated it how most people would. To be clear it was 38% of men and 28% of women. The ratio says much less about the world than how low both numbers are.
Older people are more likely to say bisexual men are gay and in denial. Or all men who have sex with men are less masculine. Those stereotypes are more common than equivalent stereotypes about bisexual women. I would be surprised if their relationship preferences didn't reflect that. And those stereotypes illustrate how acceptance isn't just about intimate relationships too.
I'm a straight, sapio+demisexual (women are pretty, but strangers don't do anything for me), polygynous man with an absurd, irrational sporting interest in piquing interest, foreplay, and seduction, but very rarely closing the bedroom door with an unknown woman or women. I am interested in smart, fun, young (AGR), beauties who tend to be bi or pan, since that's who is also interested in me. I have no qualms about a "steady" girl(s) hitting-on other girl(s), being with other girl(s), or bringing us or me more girl(s); they can go play all they want.
Lot of people hate me for this or that, either jealousy or lifestyle judgements. Fuck them. Live life as it works best for you as long as you're honest with others.
It's great to live how you prefer, and it's not right for people to hate you for it.
I perceive your self description to be pretentious and creepy. Just an alternate explanation.
Whereas one female and a couple of males seems unstable from the start.
EDIT: typos