Comment by giantandroids | Hacker News Reader

Comment by giantandroids | Hacker News Reader

I don't understand this:

"Much of Epictetus’ advice is about not getting angry at slaves. At first, I thought I could skip those parts. But I soon realized that I had the same self-recriminatory and illogical thoughts in my interactions with small-business owners and service professionals. When a cabdriver lied about a route, or a shopkeeper shortchanged me, I felt that it was my fault, for speaking Turkish with an accent, or for being part of an élite. And, if I pretended not to notice these slights, wasn’t I proving that I really was a disengaged, privileged oppressor? Epictetus shook me from these thoughts with this simple exercise: “Starting with things of little value—a bit of spilled oil, a little stolen wine—repeat to yourself: ‘For such a small price, I buy tranquillity.’ ”

Does this mean ignore it still ‘For such a small price, I buy tranquillity'?

EDIT: OK, turns out this is a repost of an article from 2016 where the same point above was already discussed here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13730657

My dad lived in a small town in India for most of his life.

When I come across stoicism and read about it, I realized he has been living like a stoic his whole life. His way of approaching life is so aligned with the concept. And yet he has never read or heard about Epicteus.

I have been reading a lot of books about philosophy lately, but I realise the most you can learn is from people around you.

The books are often contradictory. In the exact same situation, a book titled why zebras don't get ulcers, the author claims venting out is much healthier to reduce stress. There was a study done which indicated people who vent out on the spot are less likely to be stressful (less stress harmone).

Observing how others deal with situations and picking the best out of them works out well for me.

When I come across a friend who managing a heated argument and is calm after ward, I try to learn from him. Understand why he is able to do so.

I think a thing to consider is also the effect your actions have at others. E.g. venting in front of others who can do nothing to change the thing that made you angry can also negatively impact their day. Granted — if one is the type who has no sense of how one impacts the people around oneself this is not a metric this type of person would consider. But it exists and there are people who are unhappy their whole life without realizing how much of it is the fallout of the effects they have on their environment.

I used to be that guy that always tried to solve other people's problems whenever they poured out their problems in front of me. I guess there were two reasons for this: One, I didn't realize that some people simply want to let it out and they are not really interested in a solution. Two, I identified too much with their problems and in order to make myself feel better, I tried to be helpful.

Nowadays, I have a pretty good grasp when someone really wants helpful input for their problem and when someone simply wants to vent. And while it still causes certain feelings inside myself whenever I hear someone vent (especially when it's clear that they are simply complaining and not doing anything about it), I view those situations as opportunities to grow by managing how I react to those things. Ideally, I simply accept that they are not my problems and go on with my life. (That's definitely a work in progress though.)

Gotta be careful there. What's venting for personal inner peace could easily be emotional abuse to the one who is at the receiving end of it.

people who vent out on the spot are less likely to be stressful (less stress harmone)

Interesting if that study checked the environment in each case. If you vent out at endless taxi drivers, real estate agents, shop salesmen or something like that, wouldn’t it only make you constantly angry?

Psychologists say that we have to express, not exactly vent out. Expressing emotions is telling others how you feel, so they could adjust their behavior or attitude accordingly. In 90% of cases, words about what you feel are enough.

“It confuses me when you leave papers on my table with no comments”

“I feel angry if my cup is not where I left it”

“I’m sad about you trying to fool me”

Saying that without usual “venting out” expression is more constructive. That’s how you feel. They usually don’t know until you tell them.

The key point is what you feel, not some random noun/adjective (it may be hard to detect and verbalize for first 50 times). Angry mode is a force that you use when people refuse to comply. But often they aren’t even aware of your issue (or unable to help you).

(This comment is very fragmentary and tangential, but I leave it at that.)

> Psychologists say that we have to express, not exactly vent out. Expressing emotions is telling others how you feel, so they could adjust their behavior or attitude accordingly. In 90% of cases, words about what you feel are enough.

No, that is not whole of it. Psychologists don't say you should speak purely to make other people what you want. And also, talking about how you feel don't work all that great in achieving what you want.

They promote activities like journaling or talk to process what is in your mind and to manage own mind. So you end up expressing unprocessed ideas, feelings, thoughts and emotions. You do it for yourself.

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