Divorce

> What can we learn? Undoubtedly, we need better marriages.

Having recently gone through a divorce I didn't want, and subsequently spending a lot of time in therapy learning many skills I didn't know I even needed, I find myself surprised nearly every day by how incredibly unprepared I was for that relationship.

I've learned more in the last six months about attachment, communication, and emotional management than I learned in my entire life before that.

Furthermore, none of the people in my social circle seem to have received any of this kind of instruction before, either. Nearly all are middle-upper to upper class with stable backgrounds. So, I don't know who's getting any of this kind of info from their parents or peers or any non-professional setting.

Learning all of this earlier in life might not have changed my particular outcome, but it sure would have made the intervening time better.

[Edited for spelling]

Only child of divorced parents here, who both remarried and fought endlessly with their new spouses. I will be married 40 years this August. I was just lucky enough to marry a person who turned out to be my best and closest friend in life. My goal in life was always to "not be my parents". At the age of 62 I'm about ready to say "I did it".

It is not impossible, regardless of your experiences as a child. It really helps to be self-aware enough, even at an early age, to realize parents are doing it wrong and instead of emulating them (as children so often do) instead realize a toxic approach to relationships when you see it and make a mental note to "don't do that". It worked for me.

Interesting:

"Children of divorced parents are on average unhappier, more anxious, and more likely to be depressed. They’re also less likely to graduate from high school and college, typically make less money, and are more likely to ultimately get divorced themselves. But: The same is true of children whose parents stayed in a high-conflict marriage. Relationships that breed severe conflict can be as hard on children as breakups. Chaos is the culprit, not legal status."

Is marriage and divorce just a preference? Like: I shouldn't have bought the blue car, I'll sell it and save up for the red car?

That's what this post feels like. Where is the education and personal growth? Where is the judgemental advice that we don't want to hear (and is probably politically incorrect), but we really should hear anyway? Where is the religion and values?

This was the most sterile article about marriage I've ever read.

Articles like this, that mostly ask questions about (or otherwise explore) what about divorce is ineffective or inefficient or unjust always cause me to feel a bit disappointed that they don’t acknowledge another glaringly obvious question: why get married in the first place?

This is not the same question as “why become involved in a committed relationship in the first place”; the two concepts are not mutually exclusive.

The older I get, the more I see (with the advantage of hindsight) those close to me jump into marriage essentially unprepared for all its ramifications. In many cases they would have faired much better by simply committing to their partner without getting married, as it is wholly possible to live a full, complete, (be)loved life with another person without a legal certificate.