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Comment by offtop5 | Hacker News Reader

It also factors into how someone grew up.

I'd rather toss 10k into a couple emergency fund then waste it on a ring. Most marriages collapse due to money. I recall in my younger days I was with a girl and she dragged me to Brooks Brothers. As a child of poverty and evictions I couldn't understand why anyone who need to spend this much money on a shirt.

Even making well into the 6 figures I shop at Old Navy. Hell, my favorite partner thus far was making 200k or so, and she still used an IPhone 6.

Maybe whenever I meet someone new I'll ask on the first date, would you rather have 10k saved in an emergency fund or a shinny conflict rock ? Her response will tell me everything I need to know.

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>Maybe whenever I meet someone new I'll ask on the first date, would you rather have 10k saved in an emergency fund or a shinny conflict rock ? Her response will tell me everything I need to know.

I don't know about asking that on the very first date, but it is very reasonable (essential even) to make sure your priorities and your partner's priorities match up.

I hear your point. How we grow up is important on how we make decisions but we can't turn a blind eye on individual facualty. If killing koala bears to make purses or minks for fur coats puts people in their feelings, I don't get how a blood diamond escapes the conversation of morality.

I don't think it's a radical claim that most want blood diamonds precisely because lot's of people suffered and possibly died for it.

That's the elephant in the room.

The sadistic narcissism of which I speak.

> Maybe whenever I meet someone new I'll ask on the first date, would you rather have 10k saved in an emergency fund or a shinny conflict rock ? Her response will tell me everything I need to know.

Haha. I doubt her answer is going to deter you from the path you intended. You'll probably still be mesmerized so maybe this is 29th date, watching netflix after getting laid type of talk.

Is money the cause or symptom? Unrealistic expectations of overflowing love clouding rational judgement of lifelong partnerships? I feel money is too simple an explaination - as if the foundation of the marriage was money in which case it was dead before it even started.

>Most marriages collapse due to money.

Some studies on factors leading to divorce do put 'money' (and particularly attitudes regarding money) as the biggest single factor, but I'm not familiar with any study (let alone a consensus) that it's a leading factor in 'most' divorces.

Money, Children and Infidelity.

Children also includes weirdly a large subset on how to raise children (when marrying someone of a different faith)

Is this a book or a set of books or a study? Could you please tell me who is the author?

These were the most common before no-fault divorce became the common cause so they used to come from court filings.

In these days, some of them come from marriage counseling statistics undertaken during divorce (some states require it before disolving a marriage).

There is some specific research from small N groups where N=52 for example (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/)

Oh! Money, Children and Infidelity are factors, instead of studies or a book. I think I was confused because the words were capitalized.

Thanks for the link as well, I found it interesting. :-)

Oh yeah, that does look like a title.

People buy expensive clothes because it makes others think they have money. By wearing a brand she is mentally leaving the proviety behind.

I don't think you have mentally left that state of mind. Thinking you need $10,000 in cash and telling everyone on the first date tells them this guy will never save more than 10,000 and he is cheap with his money. Might work for some but perhaps you are putting out a negative signal.

> I don't think you have mentally left that state of mind.

All of those people in 2008 who lost their houses in my neighborhood had the left that state of mind.

>he is cheap with his money

Exactly, anyone I'm with needs to understand the difference between my money and their money. I've had no problem dating plenty of fantastic girls who have their own careers( real life only and I tend to date a few years older ). That's by far my number one priority when meeting someone, have your own life together first.

$10,000 was a random number, maybe the pre-marriage emergency fund needs to be $50,000, 100,000 ? In my mind having that money saved up says when life happens, and life will happen you'll be okay.

That's a dangerous mindset. I know too many people who can't wait to get into more debt, then complain when they can't afford things. I'm thinking of specific people that have more expensive versions of everything I own, while making less money than me, then saying "it must be nice" when they see me go on vacation or go out to dinner without considering the cost.

Plus I think you're being a bit unfair about his first date comment. It seemed like it was more of a quip to explain his position, than an actual plan

I agree it wouldn't be a good signal for most women early on.

I remember, a few months in a relationship, lightly making fun of some of her "cheap" behaviours (which I really appreciated) and her getting very offended. At that point I realised I never communicated I was a massive cheapskate and I asked her if she thought she was more frugal than me. It turns out she thought so!

I think I definitely proved I won the frugality contest, but I learnt over time to mask this to appear more interesting and charming.

Money is not the only resource that count and that's worthy of optimising for; time and reputation are important as well.

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