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Comment by intarga | Hacker News Reader

What is unacceptable to me is why this question is never asked of Fathers. I don’t think anyone would blink at hearing that a dad only sees his kids on weekends, but is it not just as harmful?

Ultimately though, I fail to understand why anyone without the proper time to devote to a child would chose to have one.

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I noted the article unquestioningly accepted the stereotype that men have less interest in spending time with their children than women.

It strikes me that questioning this assumption would be a very good thing for improving the situation of women in the workplace.

A good example of how people who present themselves as progressive often reinforce tradition and convention at the same time

> improving the situation of women in the workplace

This line reads harshly on women's ability to make critical career decisions. Real advice is from your grandmother: make ye bed and lay in it.

If a person wants children, that's a conscious choice with happiness, sacrifice and burdens garuanteed. There is no fairy dust, wanna-have-it-all solution. I feel like people of all cultures and ages understood this and it's our generation that's perplexed at everything like chimps let loose in a city.

>I noted the article unquestioningly accepted the stereotype that men have less interest in spending time with their children than women.

less interest or less opportunity?

From the article:

> But what people without kids may not realize is the extent to which people with kids want their time to be consumed by them. And, on the whole, I’d guess women more so than men.

This is a straight-up sexist assumption about the intrinsic interests of fathers in parenting.

I think you may have misinterpreted the article? It does not discuss how much a mother should see her kids. Only that the amount she wants to see her kids may differ.

AFAICT when she says "It seemed horrible", she means "I would not like to be in your shoes", and NOT "you are not devoting the proper time and that is harmful".

I experienced a super busy dad for some long stretches and it never felt harmful personally. Could have been mom alternatively. Probably could not have been both at the same time without feeling some consequence.

> I don’t think anyone would blink at hearing that a dad only sees his kids on weekends

Unless it’s a bad case of divorce, of course that would seem weird and detrimental. Who would consider that normal?

Your kids will voraciously consume every moment you can give them. Your ideals will dictate how many moments you make available to them.

You have a limited window to have children who likely will outlive you / be around your entire life. Work / time constraints while intense are temporary.

I’d wager that most people would agree that any dad that is seeing his children only on weekends is failing as a father. Obviously there’s some extreme exceptions but by and large I can’t imagine anyone advocating for him.

Lots of horrible fathers in the military, logging, and on oil platforms, I guess.

Unscientifically, absent mother is seen as worse than absent father.

I agree, and will may involuntarily postpone having kids because of that reason alone.

Absence of either is more or less even-equal of a problem:

Jordan Peterson and Warren Farrell on The Boy Crisis and Gender Politics - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AA1lR3CC4s

Don't know you're grayed out. Humans are genetically extremely similar, appearances not-withstanding. Nurture is what creates valuable and functional humans. Societal factors that reduce parents ability to nurture their children are bad regardless of the parents gender.

The content of this discussion does an excellent job of explaining the reasoning of the people that have downvoted this comment.

If you would be a good parent and want kids, then I believe the idea of delaying is harmful, especially if you are over say 25.

Trying to set up the perfect nest, or to save "enough", is not a game that most people can win.

At least, the above is from what I have seen of friends that had kids, compared with those that delayed too long.

> If you would be a good parent and want kids, then I believe the idea of delaying is harmful, especially if you are over say 25.

25?!?

None of the people I know who have kids started trying for them until their 30s.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your 20s and having kids when you’re ready.

The risk of genetic defects increase with age[1]. You are right though, you can definitely have healthy children in your 30's, though late 40s looks a little scary.

[1] https://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/embryology/index.php/Gene...

The pattern I have seen is enjoying your 20s, then deciding to have a family, but not having a suitable partner, which leads to undesirable outcomes (desperate decisions, never finding a partner, disappointment of not engine up with kids, difficulty conceiving). This goes for men and women.

Another pattern is seeing people in their thirties finding it harder to adjust to the necessary changes because they have got accustomed to a lifestyle.

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