Any advice is welcome.
For the homeless you are success.
For the old grandma you are a "catch" and a good candidate for her daughter.
the thing is. Your dreams weren't yours. You just copied some formula.
Imagine you are a "The sims" people that stubbornly tries to do X while your "real" persona is saying: "Dooon't go there... do this... Damned. I will break this then until you change course."
My Advice: Don't think about yourself. Be Useful. Go to your local church and help just be there.
We need people to help, to do "small" tasks and help community.
We need you. There are literally people outside that NEED you. NEED your experience and Wisdom or just to talk.
Be among people, help people.
Instead, compare yourself to whom you were last year. Did you become better, wiser, more happy than you were before? If yes, you succeeded in life. You did not fail. If not, fix it. And very likely you can fix this by putting your expectations lower, because you aimed too high. But please, stop comparing yourself with others. It doesn't matter.
I believe everyone has a barrel right in front of them that's full of all kinds of things they're trying to avoid acknowledging: harsh truths about themselves and their life, shirked responsibilities, excuses, lies, self-delusion, the little games that they're trying to get away with instead of behaving properly etc.
The barrel is so hideous to look at that we rather not look at it at all and go around living our life pretending as if it doesn't exist. We subconsciously believe that it will somehow disappear if we just don't acknowledge it for long enough time, and because almost everyone else around us is also doing the same thing we get the implicit social cue that the barrel is nothing to worry about.
Additionally, some things in the barrel are impossible for ourselves to perceive because every human being has genuine blind spots and also because our brains actively modify our perception to hide things from us in order to maintain our psychological sanity, a self-image of ourselves as a good guy. People need the help of others to scour their blind spots and typically they react to this discovery process so badly and emotionally that we rather just keep silent to not upset others, even if they seem eager to really want to see the truth about themselves. It's no joke to have your erroneous self-image blown to pieces by truth.
Rather than a quick fix to being successful, rectifying the barrel is a long and a humbling journey and a task for a lifetime. However, as I've taken my few first steps along this path, I can say it seems to work better than anything else, and so to me it doesn't matter if it takes time because it seems a worthwhile pursuit to invest the rest of my life in. I only wish someone would have shown me this way earlier so I wouldn't have wasted so much time, but as the saying goes: "What the wise man does in the beginning, the fool does in the end."
I'm in a similar place in my life where I have acknowledged the barrel and started to work on addressing the things in it. I too regret not doing this earlier, but I realize that the younger me would not have been receptive as I am right now to such wisdom and experience, and the younger me certainly would not work as hard as I am working right now.
I will offer three pieces of advice.
First I suggest you learn about non-dualism. If you come to understand it you will realize that what you think of as your "self", ie. your body/brain/mind is not your true self and your true self can never be a "failure" because that is a property and your true self is free of properties. I recommend Rupert Spira as one of the best western teachers of this philosophy. See https://non-duality.rupertspira.com/introduction and his videos on YouTube. I think this is the underlying truth behind virtually all spiritual/religious traditions.
Second if you find non-dualism too radical a change in thinking for you to accept you might try stoicism. A good place to start there is probably the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius (a 2nd century Roman Emperor).
Third "failure" is a label that probably isn't very useful to apply to oneself. Many things happen in life that we have no control over. To a large extent it's a game of chance and for better or worse we live in a world that worships the winners and tries its best to forget about the losers. Hence blaming yourself for what you perceive to be "failures" has little rational basis and is typically not useful. However unless you can gain some distance from your thought processes (such as by following my first or second pieces of advice) this fact may be difficult for you to grasp.
Secondly, failure is highly contextual. Had you not tried, you probably would have hated wondering if it would have worked or not.
Lastly, stoicism is strongly recommended. Read the meditations and take pleasure in the ordinary experiences.
It's not a competition. Being nice to people counts for a lot.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artisan#Shokunin
Pick something that is accessible, affordable, and can be worked on in small time blocks (as in, it doesn’t require long stretches of uninterrupted time).
Focus on it for the next decade. You’ll become one of world’s experts, or at the very least in the top 1%. Want to be an expert on Chinese art history? Making handwoven wool clothing? Whatever it is, you can do it, within obvious limitations like height or age for professional athletes.
And the best part is that this route to success is possible no matter what age you are.
It was really liberating to make me think of things that were interesting and valuable to me and also to be frugal with others resources.
So it helps me prepare for failure and so when it occurs to just keep doing it. Come in the next day and do some more.
It also helps me have a really long horizon on work so that every day is sort of like planting a few seeds for a plant that no one likes.
Mediocrity can be perfectly fine if it’s accretive. It’s the churn that stalls us out. Making marginal improvements every day is actually wonderful.
If I’m truly locked into a terrible situation and I have no creative freedom, I just try to focus on the art of the mundane task. I once worked in tech support and we were super rigid and it was kind of boring. I spent time trying to understand the patterns in customers calls and needs, because I had to be on calls, I worked the “credit backlog” by correcting customer issues where they had emailed and recorded an error. It was super boring, but let me find common features that caused the need for credit. And just knowing that made the calls a little more tolerable.
It’s basic advice, I know, but just having a mindset that I’ll always come into work lets me keep going when a company fails. Or more likely, I completely bomb a presentation or don’t get a job.
Also helps that I know my own failures better than anyone else and I’ve found that what I see as a failure is invisible to others.
You can learn to accept that what you’ve got is what you’ve got and that fundamentally none of it matters.
Personally, I have no dreams and no goals and I get by just fine. Just passing time until I die and it’s not awful. There’s nothing wrong with mediocrity. Most people are mediocre (me included).
For more concrete advice, avoid places that fuel this desire to be better than most. HN, Twitter, Reddit and Clubhouse are full of people who can brag and plenty that can’t but will make their profile look like they are awesome. “Successful founder. Been into orbit. Created Rust. I can read books faster than you can burn them.” etc.
Ignore all that shit.
What changed me is doing a survival course. Lesson: if you have access to clean water, free of snake bites and no medical problems you are doing pretty good. That’s with the upmost respect to people who do have big problems In their life, but what I’m trying to get across is a course like that might change ones perspective if the biggest problem is underachievement.
Many of us live our lives backwards and not as a community in the physical world.
I’m not cured yet. Some HN post had me questioning what I have done in my life. Bloody overachievers!
Failure implies you stopped trying. Failing is the first step to being kinda good at something.
The real failure is settling for a job you don't like. It can be mediocre in your opinion, something you "settled" for, but you must at least have some sort of attraction to it.
Also, success comes in many forms, not just professionally or financially.
You can work a job you don't like as long as it fuels your other hobbies.
You can work an all consuming job and love every second of the grind and have no hobbies.
Most people find something in between.
Learn, you are lucky to live at a time (and place) when the worlds information is right at your fingertips.
Figure out your goals and then figure out a plan to get there.
I don't know if I really know how to deal with failure but I am slowly learning to prioritize other thing like my kids above business success. It is very conflicting process, I mean if I am giving up on my dreams, then how can I tell them to chase their dreams. What is more important, to spend time with them or to be role model?
One book that really helped me is "Shoe Dog." It is story Phil Knight and how he created Nike. Unlike some other biographies, Phil Knight described really how stressful it is to run a business. But related to parenting, it seems like he was not very close to his kids. And then unfortunate death of his elder son. Those things make me want to spend more time with my kids.
However, I still have this feeling that I am a failure, haven't really done anything worthwhile with my life.
At one point, I decided to get professional help but the cost was too much. Then I have tried using CBT to help myself establish realistic business and career goals but it doesn't work that well. It has helped me realize that I do have conflicting narcissistic grand goals. My financial goals had been:
1. Be the richest person on the earth ever\ 2. Okay maybe just make one billion dollars\ 3. Fine let's do just $10,000,000 - My current goal\
But then I have conflicting but a bit more realistic goals like:
1. Build passive-income business\ 2. Build socially good startup\ 3. Be a writer that brings social change\ 4. Build a mental health non-profit\ 5. Build outdoors and fitness business but I spend time outside not like CrossFit or 5k races founders who sit inside the offices\ 6. Don't want to deal with office politics, so no chance I will make C-level salary\ 7. Never work for more than 40 hours for someone else's business\
--
I have started journaling, doesn't help when typing but I find it very useful when using pen and paper or iPad and Apple Pencil.
I think I really want to be a good father, but I don't know how to be one. Someone once posted here that the best way to show kids that it is okay to pursue their dreams is by pursuing our dreams.
What helped me get centred is realizing that I am a better judge of my self-worth and letting the failures and successes be the measure of my self-worth is tiresome. Balance is key.
Understanding that real life success most often requires some degree of luck / network also helps.
What did you try ? How long ? How many times ? What are your Goals really ? If you can contemplate answers to these questions, you may unlock more things to help you.
Honestly, crushed dreams sucks. It hurts. BUT the question is did you do enough ? Did you want it bad enough that you went all the way ? What did your really try ? Deep down, only you know the answer.
If you failed (or you think you failed) — just live with it and move ahead.
There’s so much more things worth trying that you didn’t fail yet ;)
If you don’t really think you failed or looking for ways to “unfail”, then there is no actual failure, just a process of life.
Then its a different question and you better be more specific — what are you trying to unfail?
KEEP
JUMPING
If you need to work a little longer and sock away cash so you can jump again and try another idea or work for another startup, do it. Keep going until you land where you want to be.
I heard a great podcast with Vlad from Robinhood and he basically said that you can keep living this life as a passive participant or you can take the first step and try.
Just keep taking the first step.
Always jump!
This doesn't necessarily mean you should settle for the status quo. When viewed in hindsight, it feels better to have tried and to have failed than to have not tried to begin with.
What you did was a failure, but who you are is not.
There's no need to burden yourself with this idea of failure. Stay light and keep moving forward. Moving forward is the essence of success, you can't lose if you put forth an honest effort in everything you do.
I feel similar to what you wrote. I try not to care and do what I want. Work stuff isn't the hard part, it's balancing that with the family responsibilities that really grind you down.
Ecclesiastes. Read it. But know that once you read it, you can't un-read it.
1. Accept that you feel bad about failures.
2. Accept that what happens did happen.
3. Re focus on the present. Today is today.
A few key notes:
* Get re-started despite how little you can do.
* Whatever it is, just do it.
* Be persistent.
This works.
I have three ways to combat this, and it improved my life and it led to better success.
1. Keep a victory log.
I tried gratefulness journaling etc but it always felt cheesy. One day I realized that I do a lot of things well, I just do enough things wrongly that I miss some of my goals. So I used a victory log to record what I do well.
Let's say you want to lose weight.
Your victory log might say
- Ate good breakfast, high protein, low carb
- Tracked my calories
- Did some yoga
- Ate a good lunch
- Didn't drink beer at dinner
Now you might have had a shit dinner. Had a cookie for a snack, or 10. That doesn't matter. You only write down what you did well. I used to be a pessimist, but this changed my mentality. It allowed me to see that I don't suck. I just do a lot of things well, I just need to do a lit bit more. To continue using the weight loss example, eat a better dinner and avoid snacking on cookies.
The victory log is there to remind you that you are not as bad as you think. You will catch your brain say "...but you messed up X, Y, and Z" while writing in it, but it will subside. Doing it allowed me to find joy.
2. Success Pod
A simple google doc, about a page long that is reminders to myself. Quotes that motivated me. It's a living document, I am on version 4.4.3 right now, so it has changed over the years. The point of this document is a daily reminder of what I need to be doing, what matters, what works for me. Pitfalls that I have fallen enough times that I should not just fall in again.
I read this document daily, in the morning. It's part of my routine.
Example snippets of what my success pod looks like
> Daily ToDo in an index card with 3-5 items works really good for you. If you don't write down your ToDo you lose focus
> If you are always challenging yourself, you're always climbing the mountain, so there is nothing to be negative about because it's a work in progress (Arnold quote)
> Work on things for 5 minutes when you don't feel like it
> Every Sunday review your progress. Keep what worked, figure out what didn't work and why
3. Escape Pod
This is the document I read when I feel how you feel right now. It's a gentle letter to myself. To remind me that there is a way out.
It starts kind of like this:
> ...my friend...don't roll your eyes just yet.
> You wrote this in a good mood, using logical thinking. It's pretty much the opposite of how you feel right now.
It has an inspiring music track link. Various ways I have gotten out of negativity slump before. It's full on wholesome...for me.
I used to have to read my escape pod doc once a month or so, I just looked at my last read date it's been more than a year. Primarily because the victory log replaced the need for this document.
Hope that helps.
On another note, find a job that is semi close to what you want to do. So if you want to make games, find work in a game dev shop. If you want to have your own business, join a company that does venture capital stuff.
Finally, are you sure your dreams where legit? The dreams I had at 20 are not the same ones that I have at 40, and that's OK.