Comment by CalRobert | Hacker News Reader

Comment by CalRobert | Hacker News Reader

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Dad of two - we basically don't, if I'm honest. I've had to give up on an immense number of things and while lots of people tell you "having kids is expensive" very few will tell you that the most expensive part is the opportunity cost. I have so many things I want to do and it hurts, almost physically, to watch other people doing them because they could hack on stuff after work while I had to deal with making sure a 3 year old wiped their butt OK or get yelled at because they actually wanted a _different_ spoon.

Now, it turns out my career was lacklustre, so no great loss, and I'm sure having older kids is different than mine (1 and 3) but right now I get make 40-60 minutes a day to do what I want. Not much time for a side gig. I'm writing this right now with my kid watching a cartoon next to me when I originally wanted to work on some UI stuff for a side project, because I'm exhausted. Speaking of the above, she's scratching her butt so maybe we need to discuss the importance of thorough wiping.

FWIW - in my experience, if their demands upset you, it’s not going to go well (you’ll get more demands and feel more exhausted); if you laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation, remind them to ask nicely, and still help them with what they need/want, you’ll be much less stressed, you’ll be teaching them that being unpleasant doesn’t bother you and doesn’t help but does have the natural consequences of slowing down what they want, and you’ll be teaching them a better way of being; at least with my own kids, they picked up on it pretty quickly, and they started being much more fun to hang out with.

(Good luck!)

True, and oddly given my comment, I adore them and love being their dad. But they destroyed my old life so I've had to build a new one around them. The pandemic hasn't helped.

I’m right there with you man. Same ages even.

The first few years of kids were infuriating and terrifying. I built my career by constantly exploring and learning after hours. Kids made that impossible, and that made me frustrated (because there’s SO MUCH I want to do besides diapers) and scared (because how can I maintain my career without learning).

It’s somewhat better now. I’m seeing them grow and can believe that this stage of life won’t last forever. I’ve managed to keep up with work by increasing efficiency during core hours, though I still look forward to getting back on the wagon with side projects when I can.

Here are a few beliefs that have helped me build & maintain a positive mind set:

- An engaged parent is priceless to a child. They desperately need you and you are irreplaceable. There is huge value in showing up for them, it’s just very different from your prior experience.

- COVID is terrible and we’re all struggling to get by. You must ruthlessly prioritize where you spend mental, physical, fiscal and chronological resources. Nobody expects you to maintain the same pace as before; we are all suffering through this together.

- Family and Profession both benefit from strengthening your mind, body and habits. Level up your time management game to improve exercise and diet. When the kids get easier, you’ll have more capacity for professional endeavors than before.

All true, and there are days I'm writing posts more like yours than mine. But today was hard.

A lot of it is fear - I honestly don't know if I can compete with people who can work all weekend or put in late nights.

Having your own time to try out whatever you like is immensely helpful for a developer, thats why at the companies I work for I campaign (successfully for now) to have “learning days”. You do whatever coding / learning you want, but you are obligated to share your discoveries with your colleagues. Companies benefit with more motivated, engaged and loyal employees, and you get to progress as a dev.

Sometimes managed to convince people to do this once a week, sometimes once a month, or somewhere in between. For example now I’m doing it once a fortnight.

Everyone recognizes that learning is an integral part of the profession, so I think companies should really accommodate that, rather than expect people to carve out personal time for it.

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