Hacker News Reader

Comment by decafninja | Hacker News Reader

I know a few people that can literally walk into a room full of strangers, strike up conversations with any/all of them, and even end up leaving having laid the groundwork for becoming actual friends.

As an introvert that can't even imagine myself doing that, seeing them in action leaves me in shock and awe.

View on HN

I'm somewhat introverted (my children say "dad doesn't talk much"), but I can walk into a room full of strangers and be still there three hours later still connecting with new people.

I think it's practice and/or motivation, and it's orthogonal to being introverted/extroverted.

I agree. I think extraverts just typically get more practice.

I also agree. I think introverted/extroverted is less about "ability" and more about "preference", while the "skill" of talking with others is something both categories of people need to learn. The introvert can for sure appear as an extrovert with training and practice, while maybe not enjoying it as much as the extrovert.

I've heard one way the difference between introvert and extrovert described is that both can do it to the same level of skill, but an introvert might find it more tiring and require some "alone time" afterwards to recharge. That would agree with my own experience.

This is correct. Being exhausted from social exchange also, quite naturally, leads to less time practising it, generally.

I had one friend like that. As an introvert myself, it was like magic to me that in less than 3 sentences, he'd have identified and dived into an interest of theirs and held his own. It didn't seem to matter what area the interest was, he either knew enough about it to get the stranger talking, or asked insightful questions that they were more than happy to answer. In one particularly impressive instance, we (two men) got invited to join a table of 4 women in a bar within 3 minutes of walking in. They bought the drinks. I just sat their silently astounded.

If I end up talking to a strange and a subject of common interest and/or expertise has been found, I have no problem maintaining a conversation with them, leading up to even exchanging contact information so that we could catch up again later.

But if no such common subject of interest can be established, then that often leads to awkward moments and conversations cut short.

I think the people that are good at this can sustain conversations and interest even in that second situation. Maybe it's like you say - asking insightful questions about a topic they might be knowledgeable about but you're not. I can understand the concept, but I always feel very awkward, probing, and intrusive doing it unless they start passionately spilling the beans immediately.

I would say almost every friend I made beyond high school was because we had some kind of common interest or passion.

My older brother is like this. He's a very extroverted person and is capable of connecting with people very easily, and the other party genuinly seems interested in the conversation.

I'm the polar opposite in that I'm introverted. For whatever reason, whenever I engage in conversation with someone I don't know I always assume that they'd like the interaction to end as soon as possible and that they're not interested in prolonged conversation with me.

One thing I notice is that whenever I'm walking with my brother in the street, whenever we're approached by someone, they'll always approach him for whatever reason. I tried to think of reasons why, but can't come up with anything. I'm taller than my brother (he's about 5'6" and I'm 5'9") so I'd assume that people would approach me first, but it's always him. Sometimes I feel like it has to do with face symmetry. My brother's face is fairly symmetric, whereas mine is slightly assymmetric in the jaw area. Maybe it makes people more responsive/comfortable?

Could it be something as simple as your brother making eye contact hand displaying “I’d like to talk” micro expressions whereas you might look away or display “I’d really rather keep walking” micro expressions?

I know I’m in the latter camp, but if I force it I can spend some time in the former.

I have a friend like your brother. He literally makes eye contact with everyone down the hall and nods a greeting. At the coffee shop, he will look up and catch the eye of everyone walking in. I think that’s his trick of projecting he’s open to communication.

There is an interview with Marilyn Monroe where she's walking down a street with the interviewer and she shows how she just blends into the crowd and no one notices her. Then she goes, "watch this" and with nothing more than a minor change in expression, suddenly everyone recognizes her and starts staring.

I wish I remember where I heard this. It might have been from one of Olivia Fox Cabane's lectures on charisma, but it was certainly eye-opening.

I can't find a primary source but several random web pages recite this same story:

> "I'll never forget the day Marilyn and I were walking around New York City, just having a stroll on a nice day. She loved New York because no one bothered her there like they did in Hollywood, she could put on her plain-jane clothes and no one would notice her. She loved that.

> So as we we're walking down Broadway, she turns to me and says 'Do you want to see me become her?'

> I didn't know what she meant but I just said 'Yes'- and then I saw it.

> I don't know how to explain what she did because it was so very subtle, but she turned something on within herself that was almost like magic. And suddenly cars were slowing and people were turning their heads and stopping to stare. They were recognizing that this was Marilyn Monroe as if she pulled off a mask or something, even though a second ago nobody noticed her.

> I had never seen anything like it before."

> ~ Amy Greene, wife of Marilyn's personal photographer Milton Greene

See https://www.sunnyskyz.com/blog/2610/No-One-Recognized-Marily...

I presume it's from a biography or published interview, but I can't find it.[1] Google, and especially Google Books, is a ghost of its former self and only gets worse with time.

There's a slightly different retelling from a book review:

> "Do you want me to be her?" Marilyn said to the friend. "Watch." And taking off the headscarf and opening her coat to thrust out her chest, she went into the MM sashay, and within half a minute was surrounded by a baying mob of fans and autograph hunters.

See https://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/aug/03/marilyn-monroe...

[1] I did find this promising citation,

> Mailer, interview with Amy Greene, in Mailer--UT; "Milton Greene," B & W: Black and White Magazine, Spring 1949

visible when searching for "Greene" in the Google Books preview of Marilyn: The Passion and the Paradox. The year seems suspect, though, as Amy Greene (nee Amy Franco) didn't marry Milton Greene until 1953. (EDIT: I think the first part of that citation is to Norman Mailer's 1973 biography, Marilyn: A Biography, and the second part possibly to the photograph which Mailer was expositing. So perhaps his book is the original source of the Amy Greene quote. Though the literal veracity of his accounting is suspect, AFAICT. I don't think his book was a typical biography, but rather something of an artistic gloss on the concept of a biography.)

You probably also have skills that they don't have and which leaves them at awe (unless that person is a narcissist). Not trying to make this into a competition, just saying that we all have our different attributes.

This is something that can be taught - in my case it was through drama class.

I can be described as introverted but you wouldn't tell that from my behaviour at social gatherings.

Hell, I know a few actors and there appears to be no correlation between this line of work and character.

My mother-in-law has this talent - she's the one who becomes lifelong friends with someone she sat next to on a plane one time, etc.

And while it sometimes seems like a gift (folks in this thread in awe at the ability to easily chat folks up in a bar), it feels like a burden sometimes too. She'll talk to someone somewhere, get emotionally invested in their life, and next thing you know she needs to give someone a ride hours away, or she's calling other friends looking for a job for her new friend, etc. I guess those are normal, friendly, human social behaviors, but it feels like she takes it to a level that I personally find exhausting. Which makes sense, as I tend to be slightly introverted.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com