The most effective you are in conversation is how you speak to your friends and family. Consciously breaking down that line and trying to bring the genuineness, empathy and effectiveness of your normal communication style into work.
I've always done OK here but I found HUGE gains once I stopped trying to act like some movie version of a 'good professional communicator' and just started being myself. All the other people working are just people too.
https://www.amazon.com/Weekend-Language-Presenting-Stories-P...
When I was in HS, I joined debate club, where we spoke for 5-10 minutes at a time in front of anywhere from 5-20 club friends or opponents. When you do this repeatedly, for most people, your anxiety and nerves eventually go away, and it's just "what you do" now.
The same was true of musical performance: I hated performing until I did it about 50 times. Then I got comfortable and my average performance was no big deal.
Another idea: which language are you native in, and which are you using to speak confidently? If it's not your primary, that could be part of it. There's also focus-related disorders, if you have ADHD or similar, then your symptoms would make sense.
My Pet Peeve: Some people will interrupt others conversationally, and it's not nice. Conversation should be back/forth, not interrupting. You can always say "Let me finish my thought first". You can also have default responses to buy time: "Thank you, that's a great question" gives them a nice compliment and buys you 5 seconds to think.
And questions are a GOOD thing: they force you to really know the pitfalls, the details, and the trade-offs of your engineering strategy. People aren't trying to "getcha" and one-up you, they're trying to improve your approach, that's great for you if you can handle it emotionally :)
Good luck, you'll do well!!
I'm not really a social type but at some point in the last few years and after enough repetitions, when people asked me what my company does, my response had gone from "I... uh... controls... hydraulics?" to "we provide a bolt-on control system for fixed plant hydraulic booms which integrates guarding, automation and remote operation capabilities."
Also the point on questions is spot on, nobody asks questions about your tech unless they're interested. If you're worried about a client question being a "gotchya" then rethink your premise until you can't think of any easy gotchyas.
Also, don't be afraid to speak slowly, and to have gaps when you aren't speaking. It doesn't make you look like an idiot or make people interrupt you - instead, it makes it easier for people to hear what you're saying, and it makes it sound like you are saying something well thought through (and it gives you time to think it through too).
Also, get someone to video you giving a presentation or speaking about something. Then go over that video with them, and ask them to point out any annoying things that you should stop doing and useful things to start doing. Practice that, over and over.
At the cost of potentially appearing insincere, since (in my experience) that's usually what the corporate talking head will say just before trying very hard not to answer a question. YMMV.
It's not about what you say, it's about what you do.
A game we played in debate was where a person had to talk about something in front of a group without saying any "ums". If you said "um", your friends got to throw soft items (wadded up paper, plush toys) at you. It cures "umming" in seconds.
But great speakers
Use many significant pauses.
It's also important to realize that you don't need to buy time as much as you think you do. When in the spotlight, people tend to think they need to react quickly under penalty of seeming insecure. It's false. You can take a few seconds to prepare an answer and it still seems natural, even projecting an aura of confidence.
If you need more time than normal to prepare an answer, lay out your reasoning as you prepare it. Have some verbal crutches ready. These work well to buy you a dozen seconds:
- "Let me find an example that demonstrates this"
- "How do I explain this without being too technical?"
- "It's a complex issue, let me try to break it down"
I would add that you can take a lot more time than you probably think you can, as long as you "own it" properly. If you get asked a hard question, the audience will probably realize it's a hard question. I would have no problem standing there for 30 seconds or more, saying absolutely nothing in some cases. But I would say the key is to not act anxious, nervous, or scared in that case. Just try to convey the sense that you're a sharp, qualified person, who has just been asked a Really Hard Question and needs time to ponder it.
You can do that by not fidgeting, and by controlled mannerisms: look up and out into space, but in an obviously conscious manner... or chew your bottom lip a little and furrow your brow... or steeple your hands and look at your hands while also having a furrowed brow, etc. There are other ways to communicate what I'm getting at, so just experiment. What you don't want is a "deer in the headlights" look, or that stereotypical "blank expression" that conveys "I have no clue what's going on right now."
The key point is, you don't have to have an immediate answer to every question. Pauses and silence are OK, to a point.
Anyway, here's a thought: make a game out of it. Next time you're speaking in a group setting and this comes up, (when it's a situation where nothing of substance is at stake), try and see how long a pause you can engineer before somebody starts doing the "intentional cough" thing, or says "are you OK?" or whatever. Maybe do it a few times and see what you can work up to. Maybe 30 seconds is a bit more than can be managed. And to be fair, it's probably context / audience dependent to some degree as well.
Smartphones are great conversation killers, lol
I joke it's the Windows 98 hourglass cursor of personal interactions - they can't tell if you're thinking, or have just locked up with no hope of continuing.
Pauses and silence are OK, to a point.
Absolutely. And you will, in almost every case, come across as more intelligent if you're silent while thinking, than if you try to fill space with content-free filler. It can't go on forever, but 20 seconds of silence is far better (and far more useful to put a response together) than 20 seconds of "lips in neutral" noise.
A quick note on the flip side of this - if you want to finish your statements and go back and forth, you also have the obligation IMO to state your idea quickly and simply and not ramble on for 5 full minutes about various sub-aspects of your idea. If you do that, then I think there's no problem interrupting you to say that your initial idea won't work at all or could be done in a much better way.
I say that because I hear people do this a lot, and I have no problem interrupting them if it's warranted.
"just practice" seems trite and over-simplistic, but, it's fundamentally true.
if you can find a partner to work with is always a better way to do it.
The combination is not rare: Many people who have social anxiety find that “structured/directed” interactions with other people--like selling something, making a decision in a meeting with colleagues, or giving a presentation--are less terrifying than unstructured/directionless conversations, because it’s a lot easier to learn standard patterns, and the audience has a certain tolerance for prepared presentations and conversations.
Others will go into the details of how to get better, e.g. mindcrime’s excellent comment:
https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=26807762
Cycling great Greg Lemond said, “It doesn’t get easier, you just get faster.”
I have found the same thing about speaking confidently in meetings and presentations: “It doesn’t get easier, you just get better.”
For me, it is still a struggle, but the evidence that I’m getting better at it is the motivation I need to step onto the stage or to raise my hand to contribute to a meeting.
My best wishes to you.
When I do a presentation I don't feel much anxiety but unstructured conversation is still a nightmare. Especially considering I enjoy darker humor so I feel like I'm constantly on edge so that I don't accidentally say something offensive.
* Set a good example for kindness. Show respect to everyone, praise others by name when you think they've made a good point, give other speakers your attention and smile at them with your eyes.
* Be humble and be willing to admit what you don't know.
* If you feel that you're not being given respect, there is a tendency to finally blurt out words of anger towards someone. Don't do that -- it will set you back quite a bit.
* Wait until you have a good insight before piping up. That way it will be easier to defend yourself and your idea if it gets challenged. On any team there is usually at least one person who has the reputation that "she doesn't speak very often, but when she does, it's worth paying attention." Not a bad person to be.
* As you get more experience it gets easier to think on the fly. Just look at Aaron Rogers! His banter is much improved over the course of just one week. (And probably much less than a week in real time.)
It takes confidence to do this, but it is infinitely better than giving a bad or bullshit answer. No one knows everything, and there's no shame in that.
> * If you feel that you're not being given respect, there is a tendency to finally blurt out words of anger towards someone.
I think the Hacker News guidelines [1] state this well:
> Please respond to the strongest plausible interpretation of what someone says, not a weaker one that's easier to criticize. Assume good faith.
I also recommend writing down your ideas. When you lose your train of thought you can refer back to what is written down.
Ask for help - tell the group you've lost your train of thought and ask what was the last thing you said. People do not want to see you fail, they will help you.
Acknowledge it is okay if you don't sound confident. It's only important to communicate what you aimed to communicate. Focus on that rather than what you sound like.
If you organized the meeting or presentation, send an agenda or materials in advance. Look for feedback in advance. Send followups to your information sharing. Summaries and further info. All this can be done in chat/email.
I guarantee that if you do these few things you will feel better within a month.
Did you read the book? What did you get from it? Assuming you don't consider yourself an introvert, how did you come to the conclusion it is snake oil for introverts?
Public speaking is not something everyone has to do or has to enjoy. Is public speaking mandatory for an artist, a carpenter, a small business owner, a kindergarten teacher, a nurse, a fireman, an accountant? (No is the answer). Not everyone needs to do a Ted Talk :)
If you think that introverts don't leave their "damn room" you have a misunderstanding of what you're discussing.
I call it snake oil because it sells this idea that introverts are just misunderstood and not listened to enough because of their introspective nature. Well, if they want anyone to listen to them, they have to learn how to convey a message meaningful enough and with cultural/social tact that can only be earned through experiences with other people. Being an introvert will not garner you that.
It's not just "introverts need to leave their damn room" it's "if introverts wanna be heard, they need to become extroverts because they do not have the average social/emotional intelligence that extroverts do." The reason I say this is because there are a myriad of socialites with 0 skills whatsoever yet they hold a greater reach and clout than even the smartest programmer who just sits in his house all day coding. Why? Because they have people who will vouch for what they'll say. "Actions not words" certainly holds merit, but if you got 1,000 people who can vouch for you or are willing to lie on your behalf, it holds greater sway in human society than you being capable of maintaining the most complex and incredible code bases.
I used to think and act the same way. I'd never talk, I kept to myself, and didn't feel the need to talk about frivolous things. Then I realized I had no friends.
1. Don't be afraid of slowing down a conversation especially about engineering. For example, if someone asks you a question about an edge case you may not have considered that's fine. Take a moment to process and then respond. If you immediately blurt out a half understood response I find that usually just ends up digging a deeper hole. When you're answering a question it's your turn to speak, you can take as long as you, reasonably, want to. You can also be upfront about what you know and don't know, noone is the field has a full understanding of everything all the time.
2. I approach conversations like this on a slider. The less you know the more time you should spend listening. Its fine not to give an uninformed opinion, but avoid just not paying attention. Listening in general is underrated and should be most of what you do especially if you're a newer engineer.
3. Most people don't remember 90% of the convos they're a part of. Think about all the presentations/group convos you've been in. Do you remember every detail? Messing up in a conversation isn't the end of the world. Written communication is much harder.
Would you mind sharing a couple of key insights that you learnt there?
Thanks ^_^
* Organization -- learning how to center a speech around a topic with 2-3 supporting points.
* Brevity -- the 3 min time limit is hard to adhere to, and it takes practice. Which leads to...
* Practice -- practicing giving speeches, speaking extemporaneously, standing in front of others... all incredibly valuable.
* Handling criticism -- criticism is built into the process. After you give a speech, someone else follows up with a critique. Which may seem incredibly frightening at first, but normalizing it and making it part of the process in this manner is incredibly powerful and confidence/resilience boosting. (Plus, in my experience, people are quite positive and uplifting in their critiques.)
Beyond any specific insights or ideas that I learned, I think it's the overall process that's the magic. It builds confidence that extends beyond formal public speaking and impacts your everyday interactions as well.
[1] I wish I had stuck with it longer. I moved and never found a new group to join. This thread reminds me that I should look for one again!
Conveying ideas for influence requires practice TBH. Sometimes it hovers into the sales world. You are going to get a no. That's ok. That means your pitch needs work. Your scenario I say your pitch approach might need more thought. As shared below, ideas simply need more capital. Can you share examples that work. Can you address concerns. Can you express the idea using different language. Sometimes the best way to grow here is to get feedback right away. How was my last idea received? Do you know what was missing to make it more effective?
That's all I have for now. You will do great!
1. You're not speaking to a group, you're speaking to each individual in a group. Your voice should be pitched as if you're in a one-on-one conversation with someone, and in a group, you can simply look at one person, talk to them for a minute, and then at another person. Always focus on someone briefly, including eye contact, and then on someone else. It's a lot less intimidating talking to one person, and that shows up as confidence in a group.
2. Learn to not say "um" or "like" or any other verbal placeholders that you use to give your brain a chance to catch up and figure out the next thing to say. At first, just pause instead of saying "um"; over time, you'll either stop pausing, or you'll keep pausing and realizing that you weren't sure what you wanted to say, which means learning to take a moment before you start and get a clear idea of what you wanted to say.
2. I personally find it helpful not to look at people's faces when I'm in the middle of a verbal paragraph. This gives me fewer distractions as I focus on something that can be complex, and doesn't give anyone an 'in' to interrupt (harder to interrupt when the speaker hasn't noticed your finger in the air). Once you get more confidence, you can start looking at people again.
Totally agreed with this. I love that particular bit of phraseology. I use it all the time both in verbal and written forms. I can't be sure, but I suspect that it is a very useful phrase.
In my experience, it's a nice way to state something, but "soften" the statement a little so that it's less likely to invite challenge.
I also like the phrase "In my experience" for similar reasons. It's a way to state something, but it seems to evoke a challenge less often, because who can really challenge your lived experience?
For grins and giggles, I decided to search HN and see how often the "I suspect" phrase is used. Turns out it's quite a lot:
https://hn.algolia.com/?dateRange=all&page=0&prefix=false&qu...
It seems that there are % confidence levels and keeping those in mind, rather than saying everything like you know it for sure, i.e., an aspect of honesty, makes everything easier in the long run.
Edit: and if I just can't agree with what someone is saying, I find it helps to say "that doesn't seem to agree with my personal experience", or "I'm just not seeing it, maybe there's another way you could explain it...?", or ask them friendly questions like walking along beside them in their space, considering what they really want and how they might get it. Or I aspire to be better at doing that. Much more at my site, including about difficult conversations or where the other person is extremely stressed or emotional and I am tired (so vulnerable to saying something I might regret).
Also, one huge thing for me has been that if I think I have a criticism (or other negativity) to offer, to be in the habit of waiting 72 hours before saying it, in which time I usually realize it wasn't important enough to hurt someone, or wasn't the most helpful way to convey something (with some possible exceptions if it is urgent and critical, but then humility can become even more important).
Genuine kindness & honesty really go far.
I found that when I ask people to be specific, sometimes, they are noticeably distressed, or they don't want to talk more, as that is hard for them. I am starting (finally?) to learn that people are more different from each other than we realize. Like that internet meme about a dress where people clearly saw it in different colors from each other. Some just hate text UIs or a CLI, others couldn't be parted from them. Some are naturally good at music, or the arts, or balancing their finances, or being kind, or finding deals, building, putting others at ease, fixing broken things, or wearing matching clothes, or interior decorating, or some of us just have to work really hard to not be awkward in their company. And if I tell a color-blind person to just try harder, they might be hurt, and if someone in the room is unusually kind and wise, they might help me learn not to be a jerk. Like, I sometimes just don't care what color a chair is. But to some, it is actually distressing if it isn't right. Some even feel fear when seeing those who are different, because it is unfamiliar (edit: maybe they subconsciously don't know how to judge the safety of an unknown), etc.
We are all a work in progress in every area I guess, and we have to pick a limited few to get better at, at any given time; some things that come naturally to some people, others don't even know those things exist--it just doesn't hit the radar at all.
So... I am trying to learn to speak their other languages (didn't realize this in my youth), at least sometimes, though it is hard and tiring. And I hope they will be patient with me too.
(Maybe that is partly why God commands us to forgive others, in order to be forgiven. And surely we all need it.)
Edits: occasionally, if someone can't be specific or I can guess it is hard for them, I say like "Probably, it's more than 10 seconds [or 2 dollars, whatever fits], and less than 10 thousand [something very obviously excessive, but not too extreme.] I bet you can come closer than that." Then they actually make a guess that is as good as the situation will likely get, or it leads to more discussion.
It helps if I smile like to indicate that the wild guess is an obvious joke between us and that we are friends about it; then they are more willing to talk a little more and I might learn something.
(And many more things. which is why I have a web site because I can write and people don't have to hear it if they aren't interested.)
Edit: I have found that esperanto and spanish are both easier than Russian, and those are as far as I am going to try now for some time, I expect.
There might be videos on YouTube. Failed interviews are also good and the same goes for dating. You pretty much need to learn rejection isn’t the end of the world. Once that clicks, you’ll be less affected by ‘I wonder how this is going’.
In fact, call up a restaurant right now and pitch a fake delivery app service. Do stuff like that a few times and I promise you will never care what anyone thinks about you ever again.
To improve your belief in your ability, practice helps. But there are a bunch of other psychological tricks you can try, just gotta find one that works for you. Like imagine no one is wearing clothes or other things. Personally, I'm a fan of finding a low stakes situation and just absolutely bombing it, doing so bad it's embarassing. Then I know how people start reacting as it gets worse and I can use that as a landmark in a situation where it actually matters
2. Improv, or be funny.
3. Olivia Cabane's "The Charisma Myth" https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnet...
A bit of mental preparation is needed.
Don't be afraid to look at people directly, it is easier to feel what they think this way.
If you're using humor (rarely a bad idea) do not laugh at your own jokes, deadpan humor is much more effective.
Being a parrot rarely works.
And deliciously cringe inducing!
The way I approach speaking in a group is to not have any expectations of the outcome of the conversation and only consider what I want to share without taking others into account. This might sound selfish but I found it more useful than the alternative.
If nobody is talking and you have something to say, you say it. If others are still quiet and you still have stuff to discuss, you keep going. But if you run out of ideas to share and others are not cooperative, then that group might not be the best one to be in that time. In that case leave the conversation.
Also remember than if someone is criticising your opinion or you. they have that right for themselves; and you also have the right to accept or reject their criticism. In this way the conversation will happen among a group of adults who are not afraid to talk about hard issues without taking things personally. But if someone is making it personal, don't be afraid to call it out.
Own your ignorance. Nobody knows everything, and the people that are confident are the most comfortable saying "I don't know" "I don't understand" and continue on with questions until they do comprehend what's going on.
There is likely no room that you're in where if you have a question or don't understand you are the only one. State your ideas, ask your questions, and the room will be better for it.
Also, I will sometimes ask a wrong-headed or obvious question on purpose to gauge how reliable/knowledgable someone else is. Saying something that gets shot down or criticized doesn't necessarily mean the speaker should have less credibility. It's also good practice to get comfortable saying "I don't understand".
Good luck!
While balance is key, there is merit to taking steps to stay in this confident body language as it translates to the confidence you have in your beliefs, actions, and statements. People can and do tune into this. When they are feeling a lack of confidence in whatever you are conveying, you surety can put them at ease. The only other thing for you to do is to make sure you are actually correct in being confident, because we should be confident and correct.
1. Practice. It sounds trite to say, but it's true... like most things, you get better with repeated effort. Luckily it's relatively easy to find / create opportunities to speak in group settings. Well... at least it was pre-pandemic. And will be again once more meatspace meetups and other events resume. But anyway, my point was going to be that many meetups and user groups and similar orgs are always looking for presenters. I've personally gotten a lot of mileage out of volunteering to speak at my local Java User's Group, Linux User's Group, etc. There are also organizations like Toastmasters which exist to give people opportunities to speak in a somewhat "safe" environment and receive constructive feedback.
2. When it comes to presenting, I find this approach valuable: do not write a "speech" or anything that you expect to recite word for word. This isn't like middle school where you have to memorize the Gettysburg Address and recite it perfectly and you get "dinged" if even one word is wrong. When you are presenting, whatever you say is correct by definition (it may be "factually incorrect", but it's "correct" in the sense that it's what you wanted to say and nobody can tell you that you "got a word wrong"). I believe strongly in focus on KNOW YOUR SHIT STONE COLD, rehearse your presentation mentally many, many times ahead of time, but focusing on the broad themes and concepts not trying to remember a specific sequence of words. What I mean by "know your shit stone cold" is, know your stuff down to first principles, where you can just start talking and explain the topic off the cuff with no preparation and no pre-arranged "speech".
3. Corollary to the above: if you use slides, do NOT read the slides to your audience. It's a waste of time: they can read, and they can read faster than you can talk. Treat the slides as nothing more than notes to yourself to remind you what you want to talk about. I can't emphasize this enough: do not, not, not try to repeat the exact words on the slides, either from memory OR by reading off the slide. Glance at it, remind yourself what point you want to make, and then just talk.
4. Further corollary to the above: despite what I said about "know your shit stone cold", I didn't mean "know every possible detail". What I really mean is something like "Have a solid conceptual understanding and know the fundamental principles that underlie whatever you're talking about." If there's a specific detail or something that you don't know, and somebody asks a question just say "I don't know. I can check up on that and get back to you later."
5. Regarding questions and comments that distract you: I've found that in every talk or presentation there is always that one person who asks some irrelevant / tangential / absurd question that has little or nothing to do with what you're talking about, and will not advance the present discussion. Why do they do it? Who knows... probably just to gratify their ego and to show off how smart they are. In either case, I think the best strategy is to "acknowledge, deflect, and ignore." That is, say something like "That's a great question, and I'd love to get into it, but that's outside the scope of the current talk. Now, as I was saying..."
6. I don't do the whole "imagine your audience naked" thing or any weird tricks like that, but I do encourage you to remind yourself repeatedly that your audience are just people... people like you. Except probably not as smart as you. Or not as informed on the topic you're talking about. Because if they were, they would be the one giving the talk. Right? So there's no reason to be intimidated or anything.
7. Regarding jokes, etc: I don't make it a point to tell jokes during most talks, but if one falls naturally out of the material I might drop it. And I will sometimes make a little self-deprecating comment if I commit some faux-pas or get tongue tied or something. I don't advocate a whole session full of self-deprecation and putting yourself down, mind you. But it's OK to show that you're human and fallible and not just a robot.
8. Modeling can be valuable. Watch presentations and talks by people you respect and admire, and see if you can incorporate a few elements from those folks and their approach. I don't advocate trying to outright mimic or copy somebody else, like "oooh, I gotta present just like Steve Jobs" or whatever. But you may find a mannerism here, a joke there, a quip over yonder, that you might want to borrow.
9. Personally I like to walk around a bit when I'm talking if it's something like a JUG presentation or something where that's an option. If it's an internal meeting "around a conference room table" kind of thing and you can't just get up and walk around, then so be it. But when that's an option, I find I feel more relaxed doing that, as opposed to standing behind a podium. I don't necessarily wander all over the place, but I don't like to stand rooted in one spot. Your preference may obviously vary on this point, of course.
10. "Don't borrow trouble" as the old saying goes. That is, don't go imagining all the "bad things" that could happen beforehand. Because by and large, there are no bad things that can happen. Let's say you're presenting to a group of executives at your company, and you're afraid that if you bomb the talk, you'll get fired. Nope. Not gonna happen. Unless you do something absurd like stand up and start spewing racist, misogynistic, anti-semitic, hate-speech filled with vulgarities and threaten to kill everybody in the room. And you aren't going to do that. So no, you aren't going to embarrass yourself so badly that you get fired, or demoted, or anything. Even the fear that everybody might start laughing is not realistic. I've been doing talks in front of groups for 25+ years in various contexts, and outside of intentional jokes, I've never had a large group of the audience bust out laughing. In fact, I'd say it's hard to get people to laugh. To the point that there are people who work very hard to figure out ways to get people to laugh, and very few of them can do it consistently (see: good stand up comics). So really, you're not going to get fired, you're not going to get laughed at, nobody is going to throw a tomato at you, etc. Whatever you're imagining, forget it. That stuff just doesn't happen in real life.
EDIT:
11. To add one more thought: some people recommend taking an improv class. I have taken "Improv 101" at a local improv club, and I think it was a great experience. And I do recommend it in general. What I can't say is how much it helped me with this specific issue, as I'd already been doing public talks for a couple of decades before I ever took the improv class. I think it would help somebody who was trying to get better at this, but it's hard to say for sure. Still, it's usually relatively quick (a 3-4 week class), not too expensive, and is fun and rewarding in its own right. So definitely something worth considering.
HTH. YMMV.
"What about X?" "Oh, that's actually going to be discussed in a few minutes." "What about Y?" "That's a good question but beyond the scope of this presentation, we can talk about that at the end if you'd like." "What about Z?" "Well, with Z ..."
But the critical thing is you only give them a chance to ask a question, and make that the format. Don't open it up to random side thoughts because then they will take over, "Well, actually with Foobar 3.0..." You've lost control at that point. If it's going to turn into a conversation between you and the person and will derail the presentation, move it to the end of the presentation.
Luckily I haven't encountered this often. And on at least one or two occasions, when something like this has happened, it's actually been a positive in that the person was adding useful information that complemented what I was already saying. In that case, I don't mind letting them go on for a minute or two.
That said, at some point you have to take back over if you're going to get through your material. It's not in my nature to generally be rude or brusque with people, but sometimes you may have to force the issue a little. You might choose to intentionally wear a wristwatch just so you can do the gambit of "conspicuously look at your watch, and then interrupt and say something like 'OK, in the interest of time we need to get back to the main thread now. Perhaps we can have a follow-up conversation later on XYZ.'"
A common interjection as well is something like "This is good stuff, but we're getting a bit off-topic. If you want to talk about that in more detail, grab me after the talk and we can chat." Something like that.
* Keep any slides simple. If you find yourself reading a complete sentence from a slide, you probably have too much text on the slide. The slides aren't there to tell you what to say, they're there to remind you the correct order in which you're organizing your thoughts. If you read from a slide, everyone will know that you're reading from a slide, and it looks silly and makes the crowd disengage. They'll just start reading the slides themselves and ignore you.
* Try to practice forcing yourself not to fill dead space with "um" or "uh". It feels awkward to silently pause for a thought, but you will sound smarter and more prepared if you pause than if you use a filler. It seems counterintuitive, but it works.
In meetings, I would continue to listen hard, and make note of critical points - and then after the meeting, have a quick chat with someone else from the meeting and share an observation or two. You can build confidence and reputation that way. In the meeting proper, if you get flustered, slow down. You belong there and people want to hear what you have to say. One approach is to focus first on the thing that you think people really need to hear, and then explain it.
- Maximize emotional variability (feigned surprise, excitement, equanimity, urgency, reflection)
- Maximize tonal variability (high tones, low tones)
- Maximize cadence variability (slow speech, rapid speech, speech with pauses)
- Maximize facial expression variability (raised eyebrows, focused eyes, inviting/warm eye contact)
Basically any axis you can think of: if you increase the variability, it makes your presentation more captivating.
I've found generally that "performing" (that is, being conscious of how I am presenting) makes there feel like there is less pressure on "me" and more on the person doing the performing.
Same with big meetings. We are internally preparing some remarks, and when we start talking and others interject, we go off the rails because we're not right there in the moment. It's a tough skill to develop when it doesn't come naturally, but it's powerful.
Good luck in your efforts to grow it is encouragable to learn to be assertive and exude confidence, You Can Do It.
Meditation might help, making a distinction between you and your mind allows externalizing and observing the mind in action.
Once you have managed that, consider giving retrospectives a shot. Simply walk through whatever situation you want to learn from backwards (starting with most recent events help) in your mind as an observer.
The problem with confidence is that it's a side effect of knowing and trusting yourself, and that takes real world experience.
> The problem with confidence is that it's a side effect of knowing and trusting yourself, and that takes real world experience.
I think this is one of the problems for me. I don't trust myself enough and start feeling like my knowledge is lacking which creates a negative feedback loop.
1. Make sure you know very well ahead of time how you feel about your given subjects and what you want to say about them.
2. Do #1 by spending a lot of time writing. It's amazing how often I realize that my ideas are more like vague feelings when I'm forced to articulate them by putting them into words via the act of writing.
These are obviously not comprehensive or the only ways to go about gaining confidence in public speaking, but hopefully they help and contribute to whatever solution you decide on.
Something that really helps me is coming prepared (including asking for expected outcome of meeting and an agenda - it's not too much to ask for - beforehand) and making sure the meeting sticks to the agenda. By doing so, I can prepare beforehand with notes, and I also make sure that we stick to what I've prepped for. Hope this helps!
Assume your contribution is not going to be perfect and just deliver your mediocre speech. You know you'll deliver a mediocre speech, so if people take it badly, it's to be expected. If people take it well, you'll be positively surprised.
Do it more and more and you'll get better.
Listen to good speeches and learn from them or flat out copy ideas.
This works with (mostly) everything you do.
In my experience, there's a series of beats that work in group settings, and the most effective speakers, in terms of making contributions and influencing the discussion, tend to interject with shorter contributions. There are times to craft expansive, descriptive stories, but often, a good contribution is a short, clear one.
Reduce focus on the setting, increase focus on the ideas.
Think less of the people you're talking to, as you're almost guaranteed to be overvaluing their potential opinions and undervaluing your own. That imbalance - to the extent it exists out of proper alignment - can be a large reservoir of anxiety.
Based on what you're describing, you're almost immediately overvaluing the mere potential opinions of others, before they even exist (prior to their expression). I assume this means you have a strong need for approval, which isn't an easy thing to reduce. I would remind yourself that there are many ways to achieve approval, including by intellectually stomping your opponent in a debate of ideas. Again, that's where debate clubs are very useful to building up that perspective, you get to see that there are other ways to get a positive outcome rather than acquiescing to the opinions of others. People can like you for many reasons; being liked for being weak isn't a positive (and people that like you for being weak and deferring to them, are monsters to not be respected); being liked for intellectual fortitude is a positive; you can have either outcome, but only one of those is good.
Now onto some advice. I’ll give you 2 tips and ask a question.
Tip 1: Learn to relax. It sounds like you lose confidence when you’re presenting an idea and things start going badly. It’s natural to get flustered and stressed in those situations. But getting stressed out is the worst possible reaction. Your ability to listen and problem solve drop exponentially. Getting stressed is like taking 50 IQ points off.
Practice some basic mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Practice them in quiet moments throughout the day, then when you’ve got the hang of them, start to use them in mildly stressful situations. It might take a while to get good enough at relaxing to be able to actually do it in a high stress situation, but you will get there. And if you can keep your cool when a presentation isn’t going well, you’ll always be the best version of yourself.
Tip 2: Practice. Presenting a technical argument to an audience is hard. Really hard. It’s going to take a while to get better. And the only way to improve is to practice.
One great low stress way to practice is to record a screencast. Pick a topic, or present a feature you’ve built. Record yourself, listen to it, then try to improve. Even just repeating the same presentation a few times will help you find your rhythm.
Now a question: I think you need to ask yourself why you are getting so much passive and active negative feedback?
It strikes me as a little unusual. I would hope even the most junior member of my team wouldn’t feel like their ideas are responded to with people not listening, losing interest or being overly critical.
It could be that your team has a toxic culture, and you’re being unfairly marginalised. In which case you should not bother trying to impress them and just leave.
Or maybe people aren’t listening to you because you’re too new to the team? Or maybe you’re advocating for points of view that conflict with the leadership/power structure?
I don’t know the answer, but I think it’s a question worth your time considering. Maybe find a friend/mentor at work who could give you a bit of honest feedback if it’s you or them.
But stick with it. Careers are long. And if you’re improving just a little bit every day. You’ll be amazed where you will end up!
I have worked with mid sized companies so far, where I have managed to work with it but I will start a FAANG job soon and just don't want to be in this situation when I start, specially when I am going to meet 10x more experienced and sharp engineers.
Do this consistently:
> Having a great posture helps me.
> I always practice during my free time.
> I tend to compose a lot of phrases in my mind.
> Talking to myself in front of a mirror.
> Clear your throat
> Always have an idea about the topic or listen
Doing these tasks tremendously improved my speaking skills.
Ask them a question when this happens.
* Do you understand what I mean? * Have you had that experience? * Its crazy, right? What do you think?
It won’t fix everything you talk about, but it will certainly give you material to actually work with.
I spent several years as an english teacher and I coached people to learn how to speak publicly with confidence.
There are lots of rehearsals before an audience is subjected to your acting, singing, humour.
There are Theatre-Sports style games to warm you up.
And being on stage, Projection really build the confidence speaking to crowds
Note that "correctness" isn't meant in an absolute sense--you can speak with confidence on something others consider morally abhorrent if you are 100% convinced of its correctness (which is potentially what you mean by "not being 100% correct"?).
Seconding Toastmasters
It’s about training the right habits.
Seriously. The older you get, the less you worry about what other people think. You can be a little more truthful.
A. People first, point second. Look, you're an engineer, but in a large professional setting you're really a salesperson too, and at more senior levels you're a salesperson who happened to be an engineer. Lots of comments around empathy here and I can only reinforce this point. It's really crucial to think about what the people in the room want, what their motivations are and how they might react to information. You sound like you're dealing, as an expert, with other experts in smaller groups. You probably know what you're talking about so figuring out why people are motivated to object to you is a useful tool. tl;dr sometimes people are jerks, don't let them shake you!
B. Practice, _and_ simulate. Ok what's the difference here. Practicing is identifying low-risk venues to give presentations in and/or lead discussions. These can be on friendly teams, large group presentations or refereeing a tabletop roleplaying game etc (the last one is REALLY beneficial). Simulating is deriving from the outputs of practice things you'd do differently. After a while one can foresee what could reasonably occur, scenario plan for it and even develop escape hatches. I see my Q/A, body language, three main points in my minds eye and have plans for a couple of contingencies. You can't tell somehow _how_ to develop this but you _will_ develop it after some time working through this.
C. You can control information inputs I find, at least in business settings, that technical experts are often derailed by bringing too much to the table. Their message is often lost, particularly with senior leaders because its surrounded by a morass of apparently helpful information...you're talking to someone and solving their information prioritization problem from the start. It's important to have a clear set of objectives going in and _ethically and truthfully (literally and in the spirit)_ align the information with your point. It's your battlefield, you make it, control the terrain you're operating on.
Additional point, don't be afraid to stop for a 2-3 seconds, compose a thought and then respond. It is a natural breaking tactic I use in meetings and it gets people to engage with you because you've suddenly paused the entire room, at will. Handy trick.
Be humble. I don't mean talk yourself down, but keep in mind we all are still learning.
Be open to feedback. Know the purpose and something about the audience. Make an outline (at least). Think it over. Have enough written that if you get stuck or have a memory lapse, you aren't just done. Learn the material well enough that you can look at the audience, and talk to them like they are other humans (maybe even some are friends). Know the time limit and stop on time.
And then what isn't to be confident about? We're all capable of thinking and of being nervous, and of saying what we think in an organized way then sitting down.
I wrote more at my site (buried there somewhere). I hope some info there on speaking can be useful (it is to me, it is how I work it out, when preparing to speak), whether because of or in spite of the religious content, as I had speaking in Church mainly in mind (in mine, anyone might be asked to speak, from a young age, though of course one can decline).
A friend from my past went to toastmasters, mentioned here, and now hosts a weekly radio show on ~ bluegrass/folk/world music. (gregharness.com)
Edits: But for ad-hoc settings, like conversations and meetings?: I am still working on that too. I think people are just different in those situations, some who tend to think fast, or deeply, or different levels of desiring to consider facts before speaking, or different levels or kinds of courtesy. Some prefer long meetings, others short; email vs. interruptions. Among the main universal desirables I can see are honesty, effort, and kindness, and observing people and situations. I have made many notes and reminders of things I am trying, like things to try to always remember, that help me. Sometimes I just fall back to "I have to think it over and can get back to you", or maybe "That doesn't sound right [or good], but I need to think about how best to articulate it." If people are so unkind as to not accept that, perhaps they need to see an example of honesty and kindness over time, while we all keep doing our best.
Listening and considering others' perspective are also key (without it, we end up at war or something). I also find it helpful to put myself in the shoes of the audience (or of others) and go through the process mentally, rehearsing in a loose way, to just imagine how it might go -- corrections and ideas often come up that way. Also imagining being the audience: what questions come to mind if you want to pick it apart? Then mentally practice an appropriate/helpful response. Mental practice of a challenging situation is really helpful -- maybe there's some better name for doing that -- how it could go, how you want it to go, how it could fail, what you would do to address the failure and move on so "no problem", etc.
When it comes to technology I agree with other comments that you should immediately and intentionally set expectations around your level of knowledge on a subject (or conviction about a certain opinion). It's very rare that I can speak so definitively about a subject that it's impossible for me to have biases or gaps in my knowledge. When you speak with a tone of complete authority on a subject you create a game in the room where listening to you is no longer as important as finding a way to pierce the veil of your expertise, which is exactly the situation you would like to avoid. I intentionally say things such as "I could be missing something, but...", "From what I can tell it looks like...", "My personal opinion so far is...", "I'm not saying the other way is wrong, but I can't see how it would be better than...", or "Perhaps the reason I don't agree is that I am misunderstanding something". This language gives me room to have my conclusions, perspectives, and opinions without claiming any dominance or authority over the rest of the room. Being the team expert in a subject is not the same as having perfect intuition or understanding. People will generally understand the difference between doing your best and being perfect, and will gladly accept your best effort as long as you've openly admitted it is not perfect and left room for it to be improved. After all, you're just trying to help reach the best possible outcome. One of my mentors framed this as "It doesn't make anybody look good to kick a friendly dog, so learn from the friendly dog's technique".
The problem is that in order to accommodate these somewhat self deprecating phrases and feel comfortable admitting your imperfect knowledge in public you need to have the confidence to spare, otherwise you'll have an experience similar to overdrawing a checking account. I agree that Toastmasters and debate are two excellent ways to build confidence when speaking with others. I also think that having more one-on-one speaking confidence can translate to public speaking confidence. I always make a point to start conversations with waitstaff, barbers, bartenders, Uber drivers, the person next to me on an airplane, etc. so that I can get small reinforcements that people generally respond positively and at worst are uninterested or indifferent but not mean or aggressive. This helps me keep the mindset that "the worst that can happen is not that bad" when I speak publicly regardless of subject or audience, and one-on-one interactions are much more available than public speaking opportunities.
Conversational experience is also a big tool in maintaining the flow of a presentation, because as you point out unlike a structured debate during meetings people can interrupt you at any time at which point your presentation temporarily becomes a conversation. This is a big reason why memorizing a presentation, reading your slides, and other strictly linear approaches can be inadequate strategies. It is common in conversation to admit that you have never heard of something or don't understand it, and that actually facilitates progress in the conversation. Once somebody explain themselves I am not required to engage further, I can simply say "I'll have to think more, but it's interesting", or "I still don't fully understand, perhaps we could have a longer conversation about this later when I've had a chance to digest what you just told me". I do the exact same thing in meetings, and it is a politely coded way of saying "What you're talking about might be valid but we're going to proceed without addressing it further". You never want to give the impression that there is no room for other people's ideas, just that now is not the right time to expand the scope of this conversation/meeting/presentation. In this way you can maintain control of the overall flow without projecting the authoritarian tone that causes the room to become adversarial.
Lastly always keep in mind that you can be well prepared and demonstrably correct and sometimes you will still be derailed in the moment for silly reasons that have nothing to do with you. I can't seem to find the artist who said this, so maybe I'm paraphrasing the quote, but it's something like "no amount of expertise can prevent an ignorant critique". Try and keep in mind that just as you're not perfect neither is anybody else in the room.
Making that mental/emotional switch from considering your colleagues as potentially questioning or hostile to accepting them as collegial and helpful can remove at least some of the anxiety that degrades one's self confidence.
Slightly longer version....
One major difference between speaking with friends and addressing colleagues or strangers is how we, the speaker, perceive the situation: We often perceive the latter differently and have different expectations, and these expectations can make us anxious.
Friends are generally supportive, we want to hear them and they want to hear us, because we are friends. Ribbing and personal needling aside. :->
We expect when speaking with friends that they will be receptive and relatively less judgemental. We are confident and engaged and engaging because we believe we are accepted and that our thoughts are wanted, appreciated.
Then we talk to colleagues or strangers and we feel the stakes are different, we feel they might challenge us and/or our ideas, might question us, might put us on the spot.
Yes, that can happen. Be prepared for it. When it happens, take a breath, take a moment, ask the person to clarify or expand on what they are saying. If they go ad hominem, suggest that the conversation remain focused on the topic. Patience and a few deep breaths can help navigate these situations, when they occur.
Which is, IMHO, rare. Be prepared for it, but do not expect it as the norm. Have those tools (patience, focus on the topic, asking questions) ready, but don't get them out before you begin!
If you can make that mental and emotional switch, you will generally feel more confident, because you will feel less like you and your ideas are about to be challenged or rejected.
Keep things conversational, appear and be thoughtful, try to state the key point(s) succinctly, then offer details only if people engage. If they don't, take things off line.
Heck, you can even suggest doing just that, e.g., to keep a meeting on track and focused: "I've got a concern with that approach, should we discuss it now, or take it offline?"
That does several things: 1) It gives you time to gather your thoughts and prepare that summary; 2) It gives you the appearance of being respectful of the meeting and of other's time (it's not about you and your ideas, it's about keeping things on track, only drilling down if there is consensus) - and it's not just appearance, you are being respectful in fact; 3) it gives others an opportunity to indicate that they may also have concerns and provides a forum - the off-line/after-the-fact conversation - to air and address those concerns.
The other thing that helped me be heard and helped me make my point was to change in my overall approach. I am a very enthusiastic person, even in my 50s, but I am often calmly enthusiastic, if you will.
That's a big change from 30 years ago, where I was so eager to share and to make my point that it was off-putting for others.
The more measured and respectful you seem, the more people will value your opinions and seek them out.
Finally, something super simple: Make notes. When you are saying "I have a concern, should we discuss it now or take it offline", jot down a couple of words or phrases that will jog your memory if you lose your train of thought.
(Ever watch a standup comedian get distracted and lose their train of thought while interacting with an audience? It's amazing: They are literally 100% exposed, people are expecting them to continue, and the train has exploded, because someone said something unexpected and unexpectedly funny. They take the time. They take a deep breath. Sometimes they even admit to being distracted and they use the same tricks the rest of us do: "Where was I? Oh, yes, Mom's wonky foot....")
Toastmasters is a super supportive and safe environment. You just have to give yourself a push to sign up for your first speeches and then it’s actually fun and very rewarding.
I would rate toastmasters as one of the top five things I have done to improve my life.
- starting martial arts and then boxing. As a skinny guy it’s nice to know that you can take on most guys even if you never have to do it. This confidence is very helpful even in business situations. Being in shape also helps with the ladies...
- yoga and meditation
- traveling alone through India and other parts of Asia. Once you have survived that there aren’t many situations that feel scary.