Comment by burlesona | Hacker News Reader

Comment by burlesona | Hacker News Reader

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I don’t really have any advice, but what I can say is it’s not really about distracting myself or avoiding thoughts, it’s more like changing how I think about things. For example, when I get some random aches and pains, it worries me a little. But in the past I would fixate on things, try to treat them, see a doctor etc. After a certain amount of grappling with my own mortality, I kind of realized that sometimes my body will just hurt, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and so I have to sort of say, “ok, I have this pain, that’s fine,” and then just move on to whatever else I need to do. Although sometimes it may mean the opposite, accepting that I can’t just power through. “I’m just not going to be able to do all the things I wish I could do today, I need to rest instead. That’s fine.”

It’s still hard for me. But I think the biggest difference is that I have shifted my focus more towards the things that are here and now, and that I can actually control, and focusing attention on those things naturally means spending less time thinking about things that are far away or beyond my control. (Ie, applying attention elsewhere is not the same as distraction.)

Not super coherent, but I hope some part of that is helpful.

I read Marcus Aurelius, Meditations.

Written around 2000, it is surprising how many of his verses are relevant today. These are translations of the original, so have picked up some contemporary interpretation.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

"The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts."

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."

https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/31010

All this stuff really ignores some real advice that really works.

Anxiety comes from a lack of competence, confidence, or self-awareness. Lack any or all (and we all lack them to some extent) and you’re more nervous.

Get experience talking, presenting, comfort with how you look and sound, practice humor, gauge if you can maintain an audience. These are all practicable things. You can work on them.

I think meditation or mindfulness or any therapy tends to be good for realizing the importance of this, and perhaps some peripheral issues, but would never beat the cause of anxiety because the anxiety is rational. If someone asked me to fly a plane I’d be anxious - and that’s a good response, at a normal level, it means I’d have more cortisol and norepinephrine to react quicker and pay attention. But it’s not great for social things because it makes you shaky, so people see it as more of a fault than a good thing.

A lot of people today want to subscribe to “believe and you can” or “it’s all in your mind” type mantras but to me it’s really backwards to something like, “it’s ok that you can’t, accept it, and with hard work you can.”

Some of the most accomplished stand-up comics still struggle with anxiety. So being comfortable with presenting, humor, and maintaining an audience isn't necessarily sufficient.

> Anxiety comes from a lack of competence, confidence, or self-awareness.

This is oversimplified, anxiety isn’t just about social situations. My anxiety is none of these but comes from an overwhelming awareness of my own mortality.

I don’t feel like I’m going to die today or tomorrow, but the knowledge that I will die one day and wipe out all memory of me as I am now is permanently terrifying to me. I really believe that almost everyone else has some part of their brain to suppress this fact, that I am missing.

find out who the real "me" is, and that fear will no longer hold

Is your point that there is no such thing as "me"? Because I've tried meditating on that thought and it hasn't really helped. I think, therefore I am after all.

You can't meditate on that thought. Keep the search :)

I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but I’ve been searching for a long time and it only makes me feel worse.

Look into Ramana Maharishi

It doesn't have to be rational. I get anxious doing the most trivial things that people do thousands of times every day: talking on the phone, going the supermarket, even sending emails. It is awful and seems to get worse (and less reasonable) the older I get.

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