> ...but the fact that file:// schemes can access remote files by appending /net/ followed by a domain name is pretty shocking.
Not that shocking. Windows has had that with SMB networking for ages file://SMBSERVERNAME/path/file . Linux somewhat supports /dev/tcp/HOSTNAME/PORT (technically that's application level in bash so not everywhere), and im sure there's daemons you could run to automount things on the fly.