Ask HN: Marital Problems | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Marital Problems

5 pointsthowawaiii4 comments

I know this is a weird topic for HN but I'm hoping there is some wisdom here for me.

Me and my wife are having a lot of challenges with our relationship. We have a 2 year old child who is very clingy and has intense meltdowns. I struggle to deal with that situation plus all stress of being the sole provider to our family. I love my child and my wife but I feel neglected, unloved and unwanted. I help with the child and I do a lot (if not most of the chores) but my wife still complains she is tired all the time. She does most of the child bearing and even takes the nights. Our child demands a lot! I'm not very into my wife’s parenting style but I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut even though it’s getting harder and harder.

Our sex life is also non existing which is driving me crazy and makes me angry. It was bad already before the child but since the pregnancy it reached all time lows. We have sex maybe once or twice a year at this point. My wife complains I don’t attend her emotional needs even though I hug and kiss her a lot but she doesn’t engage or kiss back.

Any words of wisdom?

I definitely acknowledge your feelings and having a young kid can absolutely push the limits on parents.

Have you considered outsourcing childcare? Doing that would definitely make both of you have more time for you both and even a single meal together can do wonders. I myself have a 1 year old and this has helped me and my wife to spend more time with each other. There are days when we'd take a couple of hours off to grab a quick brunch. I'm told kids get more independent as time progresses but we as parents will need to encourage that more as well. As much as it's difficult with a child who is very clingy, I think sending them to day care albeit for a few hours every day could make them more independent and could give you a breather.

I feel for you my friend.

From my experience, having young kids is a very difficult time for relationships. Couple that with all the challenges around the pandemic and other current craziness, and things get even tougher.

From my experience also, as your child gets older that part of the stress tends to settle down and things feel better and relationships do generally improve.

Having said that, I'm a big fan of couples' counseling, which I think all couples can benefit from, regardless of the state of their relationship. IMHO, the ability to communicate is of primary importance, and it's not something that we're just born knowing how to do. One huge benefit from couples counseling is learning open communication with kindness.

Here's hoping things get better soon. Take care of yourselves!

See a couple's therapist. Also, check out the Gottman Institute[1].

[1]https://www.gottman.com/

If affection is given during the meltdowns, it is reenforcing the behavior.

Maybe get an erotic massage every now and then?

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