To me a change agent is someone else you bring in to be a positive voice for change, often because the person wanting change is outnumbered by naysayers. It is funny how when the consultant says exactly what you were shot down for saying it carries more weight, for instance. I think the agency is important in the meaning.

> Holding pattern -> Keeping watch

I don't think these mean the same thing at all. This is a mixture of aviation and military metaphor. A squadron of jets ready to bomb a target, but told to delay, might fly a holding pattern, ready to attack when told without further preparation. A sentry back at base is keeping watch, but would require significant preperation, and a long walk, before She could mount an attack on an enemy base. Imagine a product launch gets pushed back a few hours, and you want the web developers to pause, but not move on to other things, that is analogous to the jets, but not the sentry.

Likewise, to repent suggests a level of reproach or regret not indicated in a pivot.

Streamlining an aircraft, by adding retractable landing gear for instance, can make it rather more complicated not simpler. It may make it faster and more manoeuvrable whilst giving it greater fuel economy. Adding an ERP at a company may make it much more complicated (even though that complication is rather hidden from many users) but it may also allow for lower inventory by allowing advanced JIT or Throughput Accounting techniques. That is a streamlined operation, not a simpler one. I'm sure some people misuse the analogy to say 'Streamlined' when they mean, 'we fired half of them', but that is no reason to restrict it.

ASAP has the unfortunate quality of being all caps, in addition to being a directive, so it always looks to me like an order AND being shouted at me.

It usually is used to convey a sense of urgency, so why wouldn't that be desirable? Perhaps you have one of those unfortunate people in your organisation for which every directive is urgent?

Related tangent: I wish "AMAP" (as much as possible) would catch on, too.

I once worked with someone who used the abbreviation GMTA for “great minds think alike”. It was a particularly funny habit, seeing as how no one ever deciphered it without help.

I thought GMTA stood for Great Minds Teach Acronyms

ASAP, to my ears, always connotes urgency, and I'd even go so far as to say that its usage without this sense is universally dispreferred, if not outright misusage. Or at least I used to think so ... until a misunderstanding arose because our CEO did, in fact, use it in such a way (i.e. "whenever you are able").

H. Paul Grice (the four maxims guy) calls connotations like these implicatures, extra propositions which are "implicated" (implied) in addition to "what is said" (the utterance), and they can be conversational or conventional. Conversational implicatures are cancellable, meaning that they can be disavowed, whereas conventional implicatures cannot. So for instance, "I used to do a lot of drugs. I still do, but I used to too" cancels the implicature which arises from "used to" ("not anymore"). After consistent usage, however, conversational implicatures may become conventional and cannot be cancelled - they have moved from the pragmatic level to the semantic level (i.e. they're part of the meaning of the utterance itself rather than derived contextually).

The point being, is it even possible to cancel the urgency connotation of ASAP? Is it not just outright weird to say, "I want these TPS reports done ASAP - but no rush"?

My intuition says that ASAP necessarily connotes urgency, due to its consistent usage in this sense, whereas "as soon as possible" only optionally does (so it's much more acceptable to say, "I want these GPS reports done as soon as possible - but no rush").

Super weird coming from our CEO, because otherwise everything is in fact urgent (sigh...).

I like the idea to try to improve these. But it may be a lot like suggesting updates to a coding style guide. Sometimes you can find some changes that improve utility value, and are worth the effort to collectively migrate to, but largely, the value comes from everyone understanding the standardized practices/terms. Whereby, I can join a company and quickly understand everyone’s intent.

So basically, let’s circle back on this and keep a holding pattern.

These are not common enough words to lean into. Corporate speak will just incorporate them into the new normal and we're going to have to pivot to something else. How about we streamline to just basic english words that encourage open communication?

I think the point is corporate doublespeak always assimilates and distorts language no matter which words are selected.

You and I can talk like humans, but corporate yuppies trying to talk like humans will always just ruin human words too.

Maybe we should just get the duct tape and not let the corporate clones go full mission-statement?

Your proposal lacks synergies.

Let's circle-back on this over lunch.

And of course there's:

Action Item, Professional Superhero!

https://professionalsuperhero.com/

I think the worst problems with corporate jargon are when a company has built up a culture of misusing words, or using jargon that other organisations use, but using it differently. I can recall several occasions where sales people have tried to correct me (trained accountant) over the use of the terms 'margin' and 'gross profit', one insisting gp must be a %, for instance, because his team worked with sales and %gp margin.

I get a laugh out of the CEO of my current employer praising about the “multi-threaded” efforts of our marketing team. And here I thought the whole team blocked, slack-jawed, after each email, waiting mindlessly for Outlook to show that “new mail” icon so that they could get back to work.

In Australia we adopt American corporatisms with unnerving eagerness. Historically there's been a lag as corporate types discovered, and then experimented in the domestic environment, before common adoption here.

That lag has significantly reduced over the past couple of decades, but hasn't vanished -- so like an ineluctable tide of horrendousness coming in, we can often see these unpleasantries from a good way off.

Most corporate jargon is harmless, some can even be funny, but some are just unreasonably offensive. At the top of my current fingers-down-a-chalkboard list is 'reach out'. It's penetrated pop culture more than most corporate buzzphrases, so it's increasingly hard to avoid hearing.

On the upside, the previous #1 item was 'pre-plan' (and the much less common but way more invigorating variant 'pre-prepare'), and thankfully those seem to have mostly returned from whence they came.

Oh, God. Whenever anyone says they'll "reach out," or they want me to do so, rather than "contact," "call," "email," "Slack," "message," etc. someone, that is the absolute worst.

Probably my second least favorite is "utilize" instead of "use." Seriously, why use a 3 syllable word when a perfectly good 1 syllable word ("use") exists and means almost literally the same thing?

I like when “leverage” is used instead of “use”.

Somehow, "leverage" bothers me a lot less than "utilize." I guess it's because "leverage" has connotations beyond what "utilize" carries, i.e. it doesn't mean literally the same thing as "use."

Everyone that uses the word "learnings" needs to be arrested.

The film "Canadian Bacon" has a (subjectively) hilarious scene where one Canadian Mountie corrects another for using "return from whence you came" instead of "return whence you came".

But alas, it seems "from whence" has been in established use since the 1800s.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/is-from-whence...

Oh, thank you for the heads-up. I'm moderately happy with 1800s onwards -- but would be absolutely delighted to a adopt an earlier, more legitimate (prestigious? : ) form.

(Earlier today I briefly railed at someone on a podcast uttering 'a myriad of'.)

I will admit that my current favorite is going forward. Story time. My direct report likes to challenge things. There is value to it, but it can and does get exhausting since he challenges relatively pointless things apart from occasional useful thing. This one time he challenged my boss over some minor interpretation of procedures, where boss was the final recipient of a report. I tried to gently steer him away, but no go. Anyway, eventually my boss got tired of the back and forth of challenges and said "going forward, this is how it will be done". The report, not yet fluent in corporate speak did not get the hint and responded with an equivalent of "no. stupid. we should only do it the way we have always done it." Going forward, he challenges me a little less now too.

What does "going forward, this is how it will be done" mean? I'm not fluent in corporate speak myself.

"From now on"

Absolutely accurate. In my little corner of the world, there is an additional hint of meaning there along the lines of "Whatever was done previously was done incorrectly/wrong/not the way I like it, but(/and) I am not willing to spend more time on it so here is what I want to do it instead." People can get defensive when you say things were done the wrong way directly. Hence, 'going forward' and not 'This is wrong'.

And the corporate-speak stays in use because having all that subtext immediately understood is helpful. For your everyday issues, it’s good teamwork and emotionally intelligent to let past mistakes go, avoid pointing out others’ mistakes, and set a new goal.

The next mistake is always paradise sprinkled in magic faerie dust.

Or alternatively, in the style of the post:

“Henceforth, I decree procedures shall be as such:”

The funnest part is the corporate jargon resulting from history or just the vertical they are in. I worked at one company that had used teletypes to location that had a charge per character. This lead to an official abbreviation sheet. This had two effects later on. One, old timers kept using the abbreviations into the e-mail age. The second was some of the abbreviated words became part of the corporate jargon. This lead to some serious confusion when spoken abbreviations are used in place of the full words. Some actions were abbreviated and said in a couple of syllables.

Do you have some examples from the sheet? Sounds fascinating.

Well, "CAK" for contract and "CAKAPP" for the whole applying stuff to a contract are two I remember. It was hella confusing for the later one for multiple weeks. Plus, I got an email that I literally felt like I was using a Captain Crunch Decoder Ring to translate into English. It was a trip.

maybe I'm in too deep already, but none of the things on the list sound like jargon to me. I'm pretty sure they are just common english idioms. idioms in general tend to be tough for non-native speakers, but is the meaning of "circle back" really that opaque? and how is it corporate jargon? you would be as likely to hear that phrase from a hiker as from an office drone.

I think they all originated in business as jargon, but the American media drug them out to prime time. Probably the only true jargon left are industries / verticals that have their own business language that isn't seen in sitcoms or procedurals. I have always thought those verticals should really be the origin of any DSL used for those companies.

To me, the problem with both corporate jargon and this list are that they're each an odd affectation that doesn't make communication clearer.

Just because something is bad doesn't mean that suggestions about replacing said thing would lead to improvement. I'm somewhat annoyed by programming languages where whitespace matters, but it would be wildly missing the point to propose a language where underscores serve the same purpose as whitespace, and one must indent with the correct number of leading underscores at the start of a line, etc.

At least it would solve the space vs tab issue.

Corporate jargon isn't supposed to make communication clearer. It's a kind of stock verbal filler used for status signalling by people who aren't articulate enough to communicate clearly.

Linguists call this register. It's linked to social status, general social context, and specific situational context.

There's even an ISO standard for different linguistic registers. Language translation systems have to worry about this, because if they get it wrong, hilarity ensues.

I think when someone tosses jargon at you, particularly if they're senior in some way, it includes a mild attitude of dismissal and alpha doggism.

My job involves meetings with waaaay too much of this all the time. The most recent that seems to be going viral (new this year as far as I can tell, but spreading like syphilis at spring break) is "revert back to you" instead of "get back". I guess circle back is too last year already. DID YOU USED TO BE ME??? WTF.

"revert back to you" and "please do the needful" go hand in hand. Anyone who uses the former phrase uses the latter phrase too.

'Revert back to you' implies giving you an answer and passing control back to you. For instance you could send me something to proof, now I am in control. When I am finished, and if you have subsequent work to do, control may revert to you. If people say this when they appear to mean 'answer' then they are just communicating badly, not using jargon. Stop them and ask them to explain what is being reverted. If you see it in written form then suggest a correction. If the senior people pick up on this stuff it is possible to stop it quickly.

"Revert back" is an in Indian English expression that's considered a bit dated. I'm amused by the fact that it's now trending in the West.

It’s Indian English? As an American, I have mostly heard it used by people in England (where I have more contacts than in India). Is it not originally from England? (If not, funny how it has reverted back from India.)

ba doom cha! ;-)

I reported a bug to a neighboring team. They responded to try again and they would revert back tomorrow. So I asked whether they had applied a quick fix and they would undo the fix tomorrow?

So then I learned a new meaning of revert that is not related to “svn revert”.

Since when is ASAP corporate jargon? That's been genuinely useful terminology for as long as I can remember.

I like laughing at this language as much as anyone but I would also recommend Rends "managementese" essay which explains its use.

https://randsinrepose.com/archives/managementese/

So basically, it's a guide to sounding like an old-timey pretentious twat instead of a contemporary one

Love it. If you need more inspiration I can highly recommend Darren Allen's Apocalypedia too: https://expressiveegg.org/portfolio/apocalypedia/

Story time: my first job, we somehow ended up abbreviating “on the phone” as OTP, to be used as: “I’m OTP with $name.” This practice basically ended when someone pointed out the more common expansion of that acronym to “one true pair.”

I associate it with "One-Time Password"

"Regular Intercourse" may be a bit too difficult to use in the modern workplace...

You can of course substitute irregular intercourse.

Hell, some people even manage to make gobs of money publicly documenting their irregular intercourse on video.

I thought those were called podcasts.

As long as they clean up the gobs of dirty money afterwards. Might want to put down a towel or plastic sheets first.

Tangent: it’d be fun to see a what corporate PR releases look like when rephrased into https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basic_English.

Newspeak for Newspeak. This might be the greatest evidence that we are indeed in simulation inside another simulation.

Where’s that article on ‘big boat stuck’ again?

Here’s my favorite corporate response I use regularly:

‘Interesting, that’s very interesting.’

Seems to always work.

There was a funny series called Junk English by Ken Smith, not sure if there are newer editions to that book but it had a collection of jargon and subtly making fun of it.

I wonder about how much corporate jargon is a signal of belonging to an in group, and how that might contribute to discrimination on the basis of race or social class.

I think we should save jargon for things that we don't already have easy terms for, and explain them clearly and regularly. I don't really care who supposedly "belongs" in coding or startup or corporate culture.

I care what people can do when they are actively included. Anything that makes that harder seems like being intentionally inefficient in a way that rewards people on the basis of social affiliation instead of merit.

Your first point nails it. I'm in exec meetings where this stuff is so thick you could choke and that is EXACTLY what is going on. New things go viral as everyone clamours to talk like the big gorilla.

I find earnings calls and finance jargon quite amusing:

- Tailwinds and headwinds

- Can you add a little bit of color to that?

- In terms of

- Geopolitical

- Lagging indicators

- ARPU and DAU

- Year over year, quarter over quarter

- We continue to double down on _____ as we hedge against _____

> Can you add a little bit of color to that?

Reply: "Yes, let me double-click on that topic so we can do a deep-dive."

I literally have this said to me way too often in my work. I die a bit each time.

Unsuck-it for quick translations: http://unsuck-it.com/

> Regular intercourse is the key to success.

Now do “leverage” -> “use”, please!

Yes! In addition, "utilize" -> "use". Apparently "utilize" connotes use beyond what is typical, but I doubt most people pick the word based on that, versus it just sounding fancier.

https://grammarist.com/grammar/use-vs-utilize/

I should start using "utilizationize" to see how long it takes before PHBs use it unironically.

You mean, see how long it takes before PHBs utilizationize it unironically?

You're right; the utilizationization is insufficient.

I worked with a lawyer who I would redline “utilize” anywhere it appeared in a document. I pointed out that it has a slightly different meaning than “use”, in that it implies ingenuity or unexpected use.

He ended up agreeing that it could be used (not utilized!), but only rarely.

I like pivot's replacement

> Lest we repent this foregone plan, we shall meet ruin.

> Regular intercourse is the key to success.

Nobody will argue with that one.

Misses EOB or End of Play

The day's conclusion.

Come evensong.

Or in the alternative, vespers.

Neckbeard alternatives to businessspeak.

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