Comment by Shenglong | Hacker News Reader

Comment by Shenglong | Hacker News Reader

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.

I don't know if "fix" is the right word in the complete, but they can definitely change. I used to follow that list pretty closely - and while there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, I realized that it can be extremely socially disadvantageous. Regardless of how smart someone is, it's an undeniable fact that in this world, almost all the time, you need the support of other people to make your desires come true. I'll cite the academic community on this one: even if you make a great scientific discovery, you'll never get a Nobel prize if all the other academics think you're a jerk.

I really think the primary talent any intelligent person should learn is adaptation - and that includes adapting to your social surroundings. For example: although I played a lot of sports semi-professionally, I have never enjoyed watching sports... especially team sports. Yet, when I go to a hockey game, I make a ton of noise, and force myself to get into the spirit and have a good time, even though I still haven't bothered to learn the rules.

Don't like idle gossip? Well, it's the fastest way to permeate a new group of people. Now I'm an active gossip and drama seeker (although I make sure the gossip is harmless).

In any case, I feel his point needs to be refined a bit.

I agree, it seems to me that "introversion" and "poorly developed social skills and/or low confidence" are often confused with one another.

We all know that there's a big overlap between liking something and being good at it, and similarly between being bad at something and disliking it. I used to hate running, until I got to be good at it, at which point I started liking it. It's the same thing with social interactions -- people who suck at them will dislike them. If your conversations with strangers are full of awkward pauses and struggling to find something to say then no wonder you hate talking to strangers.

But social skills can be improved through practice, so it's not surprising to see some introverts becoming less introverted as they get better at talking to people.

I identify my self as an "introvert", and I would say that I have pretty good social skills. Part of that I work in a school where I have to talk to teachers, students, and administrators all day for hours on end. Eventually, I just learned how to do it effectively, and I've come to like socializing, especially with interesting people. Which leads me to my point.

What I found was that despite me having fun and being confident in talking to people and interacting in group activities, there's just comes a point in my day where I literally just don't want to talk to anyone. Socially (and even physically, albeit to a lesser extent) speaking, I'm completely and totally drained. It becomes almost painful to engage in conversation that I feel isn't too useful or too interesting. And honestly, I kinda want to be left alone so I can just gather myself. Sometimes I need a day, sometimes a week. But ultimately, at some point I need time to recover from the social stimulation of my day.

From my experiences, I think that's where a big divide between introverts and extroverts exist. To the extrovert, when an introvert gets into his/her shell so that they can recover socially, it appears as if they may be aloof or bored with you, when in fact, they're just tired. This is especially irritating with friends who constantly ask me if "I'm okay" or if there's "something wrong". They don't understand that I'm comfortable with silence and for large parts of my day I actually prefer, and it has nothing to do with them.

Also, just a side note. Something I found quite funny is that because I feel that I'm an introvert and had to struggle with social anxiety through my teenage years, I now feel like I have to overcompensate in social settings, so I'm generally the one who leads a conversation and pushes it forward. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that there are others who also do this.

This is definitely me. I've been much more outgoing and social recently, to the point that people I've met have said "I wish I was as social as you, etc" but after a few weeks of this, I reached a point where I NEEDED a break. I coined it "existentially tired." Physically I was alright, but I needed to spend some time away from others. So I spent a day or two almost entirely alone, and it did wonders for my psyche.

But do you enjoy acting extroverted? Do you enjoy gossipping and seeking out drama? Do you get bored when you've been alone for too long?

Yes, I've grown to enjoy it. It's hard to fake enthusiasm when you're not genuinely having fun. No, I don't get bored when I'm alone, and I don't get bored when I'm with people either. It depends on the situation, and I really do think being able to switch is important.

Saying the primary character traits of extroverts is gossipping and seeking drama is just silly. Extroverts make connections with many people (shallow extroverts are drama-seeking gossips), which most introverts simply can't understand. My wife, who is the premier example of an extrovert, has no interest in gossipping or in drama. I've seen far more drama in a group of forum-cruising introverts than in her life.

I think you're misunderstanding. I'm saying it can be an important part of the social experience. Not everyone likes gossip and drama, and some don't even think it's appropriate. Gossiping provides a social venue for people to relate to each other and bond over similar ideas/beliefs on social situations. Regardless of whether it's appropriate or shallow, it serves a social purpose.

I think to an extent, we're debating the semantics of "extrovert".

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