I used to think this way, but I think it’s a mistake. If something happens to men but happens far more often to women, then there’s a problem. The fact that we keep hearing about these stories, with various shades of face-palming awfulness should be a sign that something is wrong. “Use your femininity”? I’ve been working professionally in various STEM positions for 15+ years, never once has someone told me to “use my masculinity” to help smooth a working relationship.

We can assume that all of these people, across the industry, in dozens of different contexts are all just whining, or we can do some introspection and wonder if we could do better. Even if some things are unintentional, if they make people en masse feel less welcome, we should re-examine how we do things, and if they are truly necessary.

I’ve personally known several women who are insanely smart and good at what they do who have felt rejected, mistreated and unwelcome in tech. It’s a tragedy they faced that, and it’s sadly way too common. We cannot deny there is something systematic at play here.