There’s a Better Way to Parent: Less Yelling, Less Praise
theatlantic.com
theatlantic.com
From 2-7. Let’s go to park/pool/etc. Instant meltdown. Horse farm probably the sole exception. Regardless she would have a blast on every outing.
Tried hours of calmness to angry rages and everything in between.
Generally 90 minutes of drama would be needed to before she wore out enough so we could go have fun. Bed time would leave everyone dripping in sweat.
We’ve reached the point we’re we just tell her to knock it off, then we ignore her until she decides to join in. This usually takes 5-15 minutes. Not playing into it is so far our best strategy.
Other day she wanted us to adopted a Goose. After being told no, she went to the Tent and proceeded to wail for awhile. She the proceeded to slowly move closer and closer to make sure we could hear her wailing. Eventually she went back to playing when she couldn’t get a response.
None of other children are like that. The mom clearly had same as a child and early adult.
So yeah? Parenting is hard.
> [As Americans,] one of the craziest things we do is praise children constantly.. I recorded myself to see how frequently I praised my little girl, Rosy, and I noticed that I would exaggeratedly react to even her smallest accomplishments.
> [..if you look around the world and throughout human history..] Everywhere I went, I don’t know if I ever heard a parent praise a child. Yet these kids are incredibly self-sufficient, confident, and respectful — everything we want praise to do, these kids already have it, without the praise.
> ..I decided to try. It’s not that there’s no feedback, but it’s much gentler feedback — parents will smile or nod if a child is doing something they want. I started doing that, and Rosy’s behavior really improved. A lot of the attention-seeking behavior went away.
Not being a parent (yet) myself, it's hard to understand the emotional/psychological dynamics. I suppose it means that parents' praise is often counter-productive, and encourages children to expect such attention all the time - and, I guess, to misbehave in order to get it.
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Another interesting point in the interview is about how parents react when children misbehave.
> Rosy started having a tantrum, and I was getting ready to yell at her to stop. But Elizabeth, our interpreter, came over to her and addressed her in the calmest voice.
> Immediately, Rosy just stopped — when she was around that calmness, her whole body relaxed. I was like, Okay, I’m just doing this tantrum thing completely wrong.
> ..Young children are..illogical, irrational beings who haven’t matured enough and haven’t acquired understanding or reason yet. So there’s no reason to get upset or argue back — if you do, you’re being just like the child.
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And this part about raising children with an extended family:
> ..Young children are basically designed to be raised by a group of people, not just two.
1. nothing left to say when things are really amazing
2. an implication that less would be acceptable
Children imitate parents. If you yell, they yell. Most parents can't live with an exact copy of themselves. It's like looking in a mirror for emotions.
If this book peaks your interest, you may be interested in checking out the book Do Parents Matter?: Why Japanese Babies Sleep Soundly, Mexican Siblings Don't Fight, and American Families Should Just Relax. The title is more gimmicky than the book itself. It compares parenting styles across a lot of different cultures and has some interesting insights. For instance, they make a convincing case that toddler tantrums (the terrible 2s) are a cultural phenomenon. There are places in the world where 2- and 3-year-olds don't throw tantrums the way they do in the United States. That doesn't mean those other cultures are doing a better (or worse) job, just that they are reinforcing different behaviors based on different goals and values.
https://smile.amazon.com/Do-Parents-Matter-Japanese-Siblings...
I had a few main takeaways from the book:
- There is a very wide range of parenting styles around the world, most of which turn out perfectly good adults.
- You can be reflective about your own style but it will largely be a product of your own background and values. Be realistic with yourself about what you can change.
- You are not the only people in your children's lives, and you should take that into account. If your style is completely at odds with the other people around them (teachers, grandparents, etc.) you should take that into account.
- The feedback cycle is slower than most people think, IMO. If your 3-year-old is throwing tantrums you can come up with strategies to mitigate the problem, but they are probably doing it based on things you did 6-12 months ago (or more). You should remember this and go easy both on your kid and yourself.
The context is that one of the authors of the book (Sarah LeVine I think) spent time observing families in Tilzapotla. The book describes the children in the book as being shockingly tolerant of their younger siblings (shocking to an American, I mean). Here's the authors' description and theory as to why the kids didn't fight:
> "When, after ten hours in the house, she turned off her video recorder, Sarah still hadn't seen the children squabble among themselves, much less come to blows...After watching their astonishingly good-natured behavior, it occurred to Sarah that Carlos had once been the apple of his mother's eye; and before him, Pablo, and so on all the way up to thirteen-year-old María. Rosa had given the best of herself to each baby, but once a new baby arrived, her attention had to shift. From then on, the only sure way the replaced child could earn his intensely busy mother's approval was by being with the baby who now filled his slot. To become a full member of the family 'team', he had to learn patience and kindness and to find delight in his 'follower.' Thus, the agrarian world contains examples of toddler environments that promote sibling solidarity and emotional relationships with multiple adults...American parents cannot simply borrow wholesale practices predicated on large households with hierarchical values, but we might be able to learn from them..."
That's the theory anyway.