I live in northern Arkansas, in a town of <15k people. It’s the county seat and the largest town nearby, but I grew up in an even smaller town nearby (current population 271).
I’m happy to discuss this sort of thing in further detail if anyone is interested.
Some thoughts:
I think it’s going to be foremost on the minds of a lot of HNers, but race/ethnicity isn’t as big a consideration as it might appear from the outside. If you look like the people here it’s going to be a bit easier to assimilate, but I would strongly argue that this is more of a visible marker of someone being an “outsider” than something based on race. In fact, if you’re white, your accent, mannerisms, and perspective on the world will be a bigger deal. For example - pretty much no one here is going to care if you’re a man who prefers the company of men, but if you walk into town with bright green hair, covered in rainbows, and have a giant Biden sticker on the back of your car you’re not going to be well received.
What’s more, it seems to me - again, from the outside - that people who appear obviously “foreign” have a slightly easier time fitting in. Yes, there’s the initial “you’re not from around here, are ya?”, but your differences also make you memorable. Treat others with kindness and kindness will be returned, and your external differences will mean that people remember you. Note that my perspective on this is shaped by my knowing and having spoken with people who have moved in to the area: mostly of Hispanic ethnicity, which is increasingly common, but also a family from Iraq that moved here as part of a compensatory relocation program after the father had served several years as an interpreter for the US Army in Iraq.
The biggest consideration in my mind is that you have to make an effort to understand and assimilate to the local culture.
People here wave if we recognize each other, including people you only sorta/kinda know. I live in a small subdivision and know the vehicles that belong here; if I see them coming in and out of the neighborhood I wave. If I see them driving around town, I wave. None of this means I know their names.
If you see someone who needs help and you’re able to offer it, do so. If the guy across the street from me is working on his house and I see him sawing a board with a hand saw in his driveway, I go out and offer to let him use my power tools. I don’t stand around and wait for him to return them, either, I trust that he’ll put them in the (unlocked) storage area on the side of my home or in the front seat of my (also unlocked) Jeep when he’s done. If I’m trimming trees in my yard with a hatchet, someone is almost certainly going to stop and offer to let me use their chainsaw. If you’re borrowing a tool and it breaks, you fix or replace it. If you can’t afford to do so, you politely refuse the offer.
If you have adjoining neighbors, you stop and chat with them when you see them outside. Sometimes that’s “Hey! How are ya? Good, good - I have to run, I’ll talk to you later.” Sometimes that’s a half hour of listening to their complaining about politics. Whatever. You don’t have to agree, you just have to listen. Social accommodations like this are the lubrication required for our society to operate.
Do all you can not to have disagreements with your neighbors - that’s never a good time, but it’s particularly bad when you’re far from others. It’s better to implicitly agree to mostly ignore each other than to be at odds. If you go that route, you still treat them like you’re good friends in the situations where you do have to interact.
In short, your goal should be “I’m one of ‘us’ now”. Thinking in terms of “us” and “these people” is counterproductive.
Social stuff aside, living outside a city is different from a practical perspective as well. I’ve heard it said that “One hundred years in the US in a long time; one hundred miles in Europe is a long distance.”
The nearest town to me that I would consider a small city is Springfield, MO. It’s 75 mi / 125 km away. That seems like a long way, but it’s about an hour and fifteen minutes’ drive - basically like driving to the other side of a large city. My town has a half dozen grocery stores, but they’re very class specific: poor people and the elderly tend to go to the old Harp’s downtown and Cash Saver; middle class people go to one of the new Harps’ outside of town; upper class people and the elderly go to Hudson’s. Everyone goes to Walmart. We have everything in town that you need day-to-day, and we drive to neighboring cities when we want to “go shopping”. For clothes I usually end up in Branson, MO and for electronics and big-ticket items I’ll either buy online or go to Springfield, MO.
If you live in an outlying community (like New Richmond), you quickly learn to make your trips “into town” count for a bit more. You’ll find you’re not going to the grocery store nearly as often, buying more when you’re there, and will sometimes swing by and pick up a couple of stopgap things that sit on your mental list when you happen to be nearby for other reasons. In a smaller town like that there is usually a gas station or something that also serves as a “general store” and has essentials. They’re more expensive there, but cheaper and faster than driving into town. If you’re even further out, you learn to buy more than you need of everything and do without some things that you used to think were essential. The idea of going through a drive through for a cup of Starbucks every morning is pretty laughable to me, even living in a town where there are a couple of coffee shops. When I lived in a truly rural area, it was something that I considered a rare luxury for when I was traveling.
... this has grown to be a much larger comment than I was expecting. I’ll stop here and go do something productive. If I can offer any insights or answer questions, let me know. I’ll check back :)
I can completely understand how someone who wants to live an urban life would be unhappy with Springfield. From that perspective it’s kinda the worst of both world - too urban to have the benefits of a small town, but too small to have most of the benefits of living in a city.
That said, you should tell her that some random guy on the Internet said she’ll miss “real” cashew chicken if she moves away. If you don’t have the context, she’ll know exactly what I mean. :)
It was productive. Thank you.