You say you don't know about what I asked and if asked directly they'll justify as necessary focusing on the affected children. That doesn't help you much, maybe there's something already published you can find yourself and read to help figuring things out? What do Dane psychologists/neurologists say in articles they write? Are the comparisons of the different systems in Europe? You have to go a bit deeper to figure out what is best, reading about about autism is part of the package IMO. Some people[0][1] find that writing about it also helps.
Also, you're (going to be?) THE expert on your son and his needs, no doubt about that. So if you study a lot right now it'll help to make your case (and/or mind, if you haven't decided what's best yet) and get the assistance he needs sooner. You can be the best people at fighting for what your son needs, it's a necessary skill to have in the long run. Asking and caring about the best way shows you've already started on this journey.
Being somewhat of an outsider does complicate some things, but it also offers you perspective and that may be more important for you and your son in the long run. So don't blame yourself, try to adapt where you feel it's necessary and be comfortable where you feel it's your choice.
Lastly, be sure to also get the assistance YOU need. Professionals can help you develop skills to handle the stress and find the joy. Friends, volunteering, gaming, arts, sports, being outdoors, there are tons of activities that can help. Some of these will work for you, some won't, and some might even enhance your connection to your son.