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Comment by rdtsc | Hacker News Reader

> you should be nice to waiters because otherwise you are a jerk.

It is interesting how this is a good analysis story for HNers. It is sort of a nice open-ended parable and it seems how it is interpreted tells something about the person interpreting it.

Some identify with the waiter -- they imagine making a mistake and someone yelling at them and them thinking "what a pompous ass".

Others identify with the CEO -- they imagine how they would have pity on the waiter (assuming they are somehow superior because they have $X more money in the account or that many employees they control), or how they are leading by example and not showing their anger (yet still are cursing the hell of out of the person in their head), some are worried about _looking_ bad so they imagine acting well if someone is watching ...

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I identify with the CEO. Not because I am superior or because I have money in my account, but just because I seem to make fewer mistakes and be less clumsy than people around me.

I don't get mad at the waiter for making a mistake, because I don't know him, and this might have really been a one in a million thing for him, in which case, it just happens. I do get mad at my girlfriend, though, for example, who always seems to bump into things, or who doesn't think very far ahead to anticipate things, or notice things, or remember things as well as I do, etc.

I guess that she can't help it any more than she can help a random occurrence, but I can't help but think that the situation would be greatly improved if only she just paid more attention to things around her.

Anyway, it irks me when people have difficulty doing things that seem trivial to me. It irks me precisely because I don't think I'm better than them, and thus am confounded as to why they seem to have more difficulty. If I thought "I'm just smarter than them", it wouldn't irk me any more because it's an innate difference that can't change, but I don't believe that...

"Anyway, it irks me when people have difficulty doing things that seem trivial to me. It irks me precisely because I don't think I'm better than them, and thus am confounded as to why they seem to have more difficulty." - You sound like my husband.

I keep dropping things and I keep forgetting stuff. But, he getting irked only makes things worse for me; I get super-conscious and nervous and end up blundering more. I manage everything smooth when I can tell myself that how he feels doesn't matter.

I never said I'm right to be irked, I just do... I wish I weren't.

I find this really ironic. Being easily annoyed isn't an innate difference you can't change, you know. It's hard to change, but not any harder than becoming less clumsy. Most of the people you're getting annoyed at probably have the same mindset about their flaws as you do yours.

Well, that's a relief. If I can't change any more easily than they can, I'm justified!

You should really say something to your husband about how that makes you feel. If he's a good person and loves you, which I'm sure he is/does, he certainly would not want to make you feel that way.

I've acted terribly towards women I loved, and regretted it deeply later. I truly wish they had said something, as I never want to make someone feel that way again.

</unwarranted advice from a stranger>

@qeorge I have conveyed it to him. But I guess, it's his first natural reaction. I am sure he's trying his best...I didn't mind the advice!

As someone with the same reactions, i think I can safely assume he can't help it any more than you can. Sometimes it helps to think that these small annoyances don't matter in the long run, but I get annoyed at the thoughtlessness rather than the actual results...

I can't tell you how helpful your comment was for me. I believe I have ruined every relationship I've ever been in for acting the way you describe your husband does.

I had a mother that would always focus on shortcomings in any given situation (i.e learning to read/ ski/ cook), and, as a result, I've developed an internal voice that is obsessively focused on what I've done wrong (I don't ignore the good, but I simply note it quickly and move on to the shortcomings). I've found that I respond better to this criticism, and it is imperative to my "learning flow". Just the same, when dealing with people I care deeply about I operate in the exact same fashion.

It helps to be reminded of the fact that it is not helpful, and even hurtful, to treat others this way, but it is difficult for me to switch between various methods of assessing a situation/ event.

Yeah, what works for one doesn't work for another. I hate people dwelling on my mistakes. It is not like I can't see those, and need to be told every time I make one. I would want my partner to believe that I am as aware and I am working towards being better. Nobody wants to remain clumsy!

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