* Start using open source software -- the easiest place to start is developing on something that you already like and use, and which has an established developer community. Use lots of different things, then check out the communities and try a few on for size. Something will stick.
* DO NOT use your boyfriend or anyone else as your proxy to avoid jumping in the deep end. When you put someone else between you and the communities you would like to participate in, you give up most of the benefits of participating in a hacker community, such as creating relationships that help you grow and learn, seeing what others are doing up close, and so on. We like newbies, and we don't bite.
* AVOID GIRL GROUPS. Don't fall into the trap of joining "$technology Women" groups. They limit more than they help. I blogged about this effect here: http://binaryredneck.net/node/55 -- it's a bit long to discuss adequately in a comment.
* Scratch your itch. If you show up to get closer to your boyfriend or have more in common with him, walk away now. If you don't care about hacking, you won't be good at it, and you'll both end up grumpy. Trust me, I see it frequently. On the other hand, if you have passion, you'll find your niche, I guarantee it.
* Don't be afraid to break stuff. This is one place guys have an advantage over us -- the strategies traditionally taught to women (at least in my experience) are comparatively conservative. That is, guys don't read the directions, even if it means spending twelve hours doing something wrong before they've built whatever they just bought. Chicks often feel they need to really understand something before they attempt it.
The healthy response is somewhere in the middle of course, but failing that, the reckless guy who doesn't read directions will, in the area of software at least, outperform the chick who is waiting for understanding before she does something. Make use of available documentation, but don't be afraid to try stuff, knowing that it may break. It's software -- the worst you'll have to do is restore from backup, and you learn more by doing than by listening/reading.
* Dive into hacker culture and the hacker community. [Hacker culture has a purpose](http://binaryredneck.net/node/170) -- it makes our communities run smoothly. We love to share what we know, we love to learn new things, and we really do like newbies when they are well-behaved (by which I mean that IRC, Stack Exchange, any hacker venue you visit will have its own codes of behavior -- do your best to observe them, take corrections with grace, and never, ever be a [support leech](http://binaryredneck.net/support-leech).)
If you haven't gathered by the egregious number of references to my own blog, I'm very passionate about helping new hackers grok hacker culture and find there niche in the community so they can code and build awesome things. Feel free to drop me a line if you want -- my email is (same as my HN user name)@binaryredneck.net