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Comment by kayodelycaon | Hacker News Reader

No, there is toxic positivity, but I don't think this article is talking about it. I'll give you an example.

"Don't worry, it'll get better."

People genuinely believe that and for many things, it's true. For someone with a chronic and severe mental illness with no known cure? We're sick of hearing it.

There is no better for me. I'll never be completely free of suicidal thoughts or medication side-effects. I will never be free from degree of pain and suffering many people don't understand.

Does that make me unhappy? Frequently but I'm used to hurting all the time and I try to make the best of it.

For more: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-509395...

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Speaking as someone with mental health issues and as someone who has been the shoulder for others who are the same, no, saying it'll get better doesn't help because almost nothing that could be said will.

But being lead in circles of doom talk and complaining by someone who is inconsolable naturally leads to vacuous sayings like it is what it is, it's not as bad as it seems, or count your blessings, only because I have to say something in reply despite not having any answers.

> only because I have to say something in reply despite not having any answers

I completely understand and my reply comes out of very hard experiences from decades of helping people.

Humans are emotional beings. We want to help. We hurt when we can’t. We feel guilty. The natural response is to say or do anything to make that guilt go away. This is a deep, hardwired response. It is a natural response and a good one. I consider this to be one of humanity’s best traits.

But it is not a good response in this situation. My goal is to help people. If I am to do that, nothing I say should said out of my own feelings of guilt or helplessness.

I’ve learned to embrace guilt and acknowledge it’s there but also tell it it is not helpful in that moment. I need to do what I know is right, not what I feel is right.

Hand and hand with this is letting go of the belief we have control. We can not save people who don’t want to be saved. There is only so much we can do. And we will fail. I’ve lost friends I’ve wished I could have saved but I know there were no words. Therefore, I have no responsibility for their actions.

As a very wise person once said,

It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.

> "Don't worry, it'll get better."

I think people might say this so as to make themselves feel better. Or perhaps it's a (bad) shortcut for "oh that sucks, I hope it will get better".

> I'll never be completely free of suicidal thoughts or medication side-effects. I will never be free from degree of pain and suffering many people don't understand.

I'm one of the people who don't understand, but I think there is at least some distant theoretical possibility it will get better?

> I try to make the best of it.

"Sometimes we don't get to choose the role we play, but we always get to choose how well we play the role."

> I think there is at least some distant theoretical possibility it will get better?

Not likely. Our understanding of mental health is still extremely primitive.

Bipolar gets worse over time, not better. Medication can stop it from getting worse, but it is far from a cure.

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