Comment by rel-throwaway | Hacker News Reader

Comment by rel-throwaway | Hacker News Reader

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There has been plenty of unreasonable stuff over the years. Early in our marriage she spent close to 1000$ at the mall which left us short of funds to pay her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her. Till date she refuses to understand our financial picture and will be completely lost if I were to get hit by a bus tomorrow. Also, she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage to follow her passion for art which has made ->$0 so far. I am fine with that because we don't need 2 incomes and I am happy she has the freedom to pursue her passions. Thankfully, like you, I have done pretty well in my career and could probably retire in a cheaper country or some midwestern town tomorrow. This is in addition to all the other things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside etc.

I had the exact same wish. I just wanted a happy family like my parents had. I adore my child. Now I just wish we could both get out of this without damaging him too much and I can be left alone.

> she has said that me being reluctant [...] is a form of emotional abuse

> her grad school tuition that I had been saving to pay for her

> she has not worked for >90% of our ~10 year marriage

My friend, you are not abusing your wife. She is abusing you. She is also gaslighting you into thinking you are the problem. You're not. And she is using your child to blackmail you emotionally.

> things she has anxiety about doing -- driving the car to new places, walking the dog when it is dark outside

This isn't anxiety, it's laziness. But if you're merely reluctant about the exact same things, she calls it "a form of emotional abuse." Brilliant.

Unfortunately, the way the law is currently applied, there is nothing you can do without violating it.

I agree 100% with 08-15s reply. Looks more that she is abusing you.

I was married to a woman who behaved in a similar fashion. Calling me during work days for ridiculous reasons. Never satisfied. Needed constant attention. Took all disagreements as personal attacks. Needy, prickly, never thankful to anyone. In the end we separated as everything in the marriage was one way street in her direction.

Today I regret that I did not leave her more early but tried to rescue the family by letting everything her way.

Looking back she had a Narcistic Personality Disorder (which was meanwhile confirmed by a psychologist).

Get books on narcissism. Try to speak to a professional if you believe she is narcistic. But NPS is (almost) not treatable. So the only solution is to leave if she is narcistic.

Luckily I managed that our kids stayed with me after separation. And for the kids protection, don't leave the kid with her when you leave. (Recommended Reading: "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina Brown).

Do you feel that she doesn't hold up her side of the deal? Did you ever talk about what you expect her to do?

Why are you still together?

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