Ask HN: How do you vary couple life during lock-down? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do you vary couple life during lock-down?

45 pointsmariushn47 comments

Under lock-down some couples are spending together 24hrs/day, every day, even for months. With restricted outside activities, how do you introduce variation and leave each other some space?

In my case: we work in separate rooms; we take walks together, watch movies and play chess sometimes. Not too much, looking for inspiration.

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This is a bit of a tangent, but:

Before the pandemic, my wife and I worked from home while our kids went off to school. That made it really easy to have "special" time without concern for the kids hearing us or walking in on us.

With schools doing remote learning, that's no longer possible. Which means we're at the mercy of whenever the kids are soundly asleep at night. Which means we're more tired during those encounters, and it messes up our sleep schedules.

It's one reason I'm really, really looking forward to school returning to normal next fall (fingers crossed).

In about October, I discovered the weird world of Print'n'Play board games: https://www.pnparcade.com/collections/free-games There are also plenty of How To Play/Review videos on youtube to help you find ones you might enjoy

Nice find. Which ones do you recommend?

The one which has really caught my attention recently is Tempus Imperium, the setup is based on the date and time, which is really interesting.

https://thehappily.co/

This is really cute. Anyone knows something like this for Europe?

I found it quite useful to try and socialise a bit on zoom. We had a weekly movie night where we would both watch a film with some other friends - shitty action films or crap 90s films where everyone could just talk a bit of shit and have a laugh. But I would also have a weekly zoom with some old friends where we’d sink a few beers and catch up, which sort of more or less replicated the effect of actually getting out of the house and spending time with other people by myself, which (as backwards as it might sound) I find to be a pretty important part of being in a couple. Absence makes the heart etc etc.

Pick a random recipe and try to cook it together with full assumption that whatever comes out will be inedible and you are just having fun.

Try to make some artistic photos of each other. Try to research some poses and lightning and recreate it with whatever you have available.

Try playing some board games, like Carcassonne.

If you both like puzzle try to race to solve a puzzle (like Consecutive Sudoku) or solve it together.

Buy and assemble some furniture or some toy kit together.

Learn to play some computer game together like Don't Starve Together.

Basically have fun together by competing and cooperating and creating stuff without any expectations. Do stuff you never done before.

We like to cook a lot and experiment with it. That said i think that failures can make the evening a bit miserable so i would recommend following basic methods from J. Kenji Lopez-Alt or Daniel Gritzer. These are very scientific in their approach and you will have many many small successes which will motivate both of you to keep on going, instead of not understanding what went wrong and being disappointed even if you say you won't be :)

I recommend Kenjis book "The Food Lab" and just going through the recipes and learning the science behind them together

My wife and are I live in a pretty small house (one story, 1,300 so ft) so we’re pretty much in sight if each other almost 24 hours a day.

I don’t really have much to offer beyond what you’re doing but spontaneity is nice. Today we both felt like shit with what went down in the capitol yesterday do we said fuck it, called out of work tmrw, and we’re currently in a hotel room on the coast drinking beer and eating pizza on the bed (well, we were, now it’s “friend phone time”).

Aside from that: working out together and drives out in the countryside.

The leaving the house stuff may not be applicable if they’re somewhere with a hard lockdown. I think the UK is in that situation at the moment.

We read together, bike together, play tennis, ski. When her kids are here we play board games. We don't have a place that won't be attacked by dog/cat/kids so can't build a puzzle.

We cannot work in the same room.

Actually her 50% time for kids works out great. My kid was 100% time and while I really really enjoyed the time I also didn't work at all for those years. Or rather I tried once for about 18 months and it was really almost impossible.

We put puzzles on a card table (or a spare table). To keep the cat from destroying/eating it, we cover it with a spare tablecloth.

We listened to some audiobooks instead of movies and I think it was great. 1. Takes significantly more time. 2. It's fun to speculate after a chapter and look forward to next bit. 3. I found it both more relaxing (just lay down and hug on a sofa) and engaging (I get so much more experience out of it than a movie).

For the separate time, try some new hobbies. I started playing guitar again, wife started knitting.

What happens when you add kids to the equation?

This question simply disappears.

At least with young kids, you'll no longer have time or energy to consider questions like this.

I love my kid, but it has flipped my life upside down. My boss is understanding. I WFH, we have a nanny for 4 hours a day, but still I start work at 1:30PM. I have almost no will to learn new things. I was working on a side project and have little will to continue. Our personal life is suffering as we are both tired. We are considering a full time nanny which is going to hit our finances.

The early years are exceptionally difficult with 2 working parents (not to mention single). The first child especially is a shock to the system.

Most parents will say it gets loads easier after those first few years. Poor sleep makes everything harder.

It gets better.

I have to say I've no idea what I'd do if I couldn't send our child to daycare. I work from home, but past experience has taught me that I cannot work if he's home.

On the rare times he's been sick I stay home and take care of him, and don't even pretend to work. Too much "Daddy play with me", "Daddy look at this", etc. Even if he's basically sofa/bed-bound and sleeping all day I can't work.

At least in Finland we're allowed to have 9ish days of paid leave a year to take care of a sick child.

How do you deal with covid risk of nanny?

I can only explain my system but it works like this: try to drink alcohol every day. I'm not sure if it reduces the covid risk, but it just feels right.

I’m guessing your kid is quite young. Just to echo @ruffrey, hang in there, it gets better. They get easier and more independent, and you learn to adapt. Covid lockdown is a hell of a time to have a small child in the equation!

Totally feel you re side projects and learning new stuff though. There’s just no time and very little will. You need to find new ways to be effective with your time and energy, which can include making tough decisions about where you prioritise both.

Hang in there dude!

Oh, man, I opened Pandora's box with this question. :) I'm lucky to have boys of similar age, so they play each other whole day. On the other hand, they do need to eat, use toilet, peacekeeping from time to time, etc., so, it's a whole day duty. Luckily for me, I work for myself (a startup), so I can work anytime I want. For wife it's a bit different, she's 9-5 in normal circumstances, but with kids, it extends to the whole day.

It's not easy, but I love them.

Btw, my kids are 5 and 7 - to those of you with <4 years old kids, don't lose hope. As they grow and get more independent it gets easier. You'll have more time to get back to your side projects.

Look at this situation from the bright side - you are there for them now, when they need you the most, when their personalities are formed. Enjoy every moment, it will pass quicker than you think. Before you know it they'll be kicking you out of their room. And you'll be sad about it. ;)

ugh childcare has been so tough. We went from 1 to 2 kids in August and cannot find a nanny or babysitter that doesn't have a covid exposure every other week.

Things that have worked for us...

With the kids... family walks and car rides.

After bedtimes... grown up dinner + korean dramas. wine.

We also have a couple games that are fun when we can sneak them in - 5 crowns (5 suit rummy card game), star crossed (2 player role-playing game that uses a jenga set), lots of trivia couples betting (no fact checking to see who is right about something without making a honey-do bet about it)

> With restricted outside activities

I think it's fun to pick a direction and drive in it for a few hours. For me it's been a great way to discover more of the less-travelled Bay Area counties where crowds can be hard to even come by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXh0bQIZw1g

It might not comply with the exact wording of "staying in [our] residences to the extent possible", but it seems foolish to think I'd be hurting myself or anyone else going between my garage, an enclosed but well-ventilated glass bubble, and my garage again. I do avoid stopping anywhere however :)

It's pretty silly sounding, but we did a puzzle together and really enjoyed it! Lots of time to sit together and chat while we worked on an interesting puzzle. Was a wooden one from Nautilus puzzles with "whimsy" pieces and a nice design. 10/10.

Also some day trips exploring nearby sites that were still open during shelter in place.

Sounds like a 500/500 way to spend some time!

Learning each other's languages. Became enough I started to make an app around it.

Playing different video games (Don't Starve, Animal Crossing, Luigi's Mansion).

Actually love the increased time together. I thought about heading up with chess against each other too. We played some Jaipur and Dominion.

Though in the end, we moved out and started to go nomadic.

Just some ideas for fun:

• Cook during the work hours, and see if you can tag team the cooking. Hilarious "failures" are the norm here.

• Plan and make a gift for someone meaningful to you both (if you're into arts and crafts, etsy-style, or any other kind of maker type activity)

• Take an online course together.

• Adopt a pet (unless you already have one, allergies, etc.)

gardening, re-decorating, fixing broken things, putting up new pictures and paintings, working out, baking, cooking, new recipes, biking, skiing, running, swimming in lakes, outdoor 'socially distant' gatherings. i bought a snow mobile and learning to drive it is a great challenge

We took up karate together with my childhood sensei over Zoom. It super fun, more interesting than just working out, and a great bonding experience.

DM me if you want my sensei's contact details, she's joyful and makes the sessions great.

Interested. Can you send the link and rates?

Switch which sides of the bed you sleep on. Get more involved in each other’s individual pursuits and hobbies. Buy tiny canvases and paint together. Call friends and family you haven’t talked to for a while.

I've played Jackbox Games with my girlfriend and her housemates when I'm over, it's a good time. You could just as easily stream it over Zoom, we have a lot of fun playing that.

We sleep separately.

It can be fun to cook together or for each other.

If you’re both into it, maybe a multiplayer game like Diablo or a Lego game could be fun.

"... and play chess sometimes."

My wife makes fun of me when I propose that.

DM me if you need a divorce lawyer in Chicago.

I'd always figured that Settlers of Catan would be the most likely game to lead to that.

Why not collaboratively write an essay about an interesting problem?

Oh man I can’t believe I didn’t think of that

My wife would shoot me on site for suggesting this.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Have you been shooted?

Day 10: not shooted.

This can be cool, but it can also be mentally draining.

Pro tip: You'd better accept your partner's ideas at least 50% of the time.

Sold my office & bought a farm! Worked great.

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