Ask HN: What's Holding You Back? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: What's Holding You Back?

39 pointsjkcorrea47 comments

Happy New Year HN! I'm sure a lot of you set resolutions for yourself today and I wish you nothing but success. Personally I've never been a goal setter and shy away from attaching myself to any particular vision of the future.. But I'm curious:

If you have a vision/dream/passion, what's holding you back from pursuing or, if you're already in pursuit, achieving it?

I'll start: I don't think I know or maybe even have let myself decide on a vision to pursue. A lot of you have "life's work" visions or passion projects here and I admire that, but for me my attention span for any single vision thus far has been quite short (~1 year) and thus unfruitful in terms of traditional "success" metrics..

So I'm curious - what do you think is holding you back?

There's no right/wrong answers here, except to maybe just write what first comes to your mind. Thanks all :)

View on HN

Three things come to mind.

The first is that at age 40 I finally started taking my health seriously. Long story short, I got bit by the “lift as much heavy weight as I can”. I’d love to one day lift respectable heavy weights. But at 44 with 2 shoulder surgeries in my rear view, I have to come to terms with I probably won’t ever hit a few of my goals. I still believe that I’m stronger than most 44 year olds around me though :)

The second is work. I believe I’m average to above average developer. I’m good at keeping the big picture in my head. But because of depression (under control but still affects me) I am the worst procrastinator. I play schedule chicken with myself all the time. I’ve tried GTD, Pommadoro (sp?), and countless other “get shit done” techniques. Nothing works. I fear at some point I’ll play chicken and lose. At this point in my life, I’ve kind of come to terms with it. I can usually say “OK. Slack off today. But tomorrow you have to commit to at least 4 hours of work”. And that usually works. But the last couple of months - not so much. Hoping it’s not becoming permanent.

The third is I was pretty isolated before COVID. I’m even more isolated now, and I like it. I’m afraid that I’m going full hermit (not in the strict sense of the word since I do work). And it scares me that I’m not MORE afraid of isolating myself even further from human beings.

Congrats on the lifting wins, I could never put up much but the respect the self-discipline and routine required to make gains. If it's about a PR goal, consider how ridiculously arbitrary it is to set an attachment to being able to pick up and subsequently put down a heavy object. Progress never perfection, or something like that :)

Agreed on the time management techniques, they all feel to me like programs developed by highly organized people who were going to be organized and on top of their schedule regardless..

Obviously I’m not qualified for diagnostics (I am not a doctor of any kind) but I can’t help but raise a hand when it feels familiar.

The symptoms you describe are definitely characteristic of depression, but they’re familiar to me in adult diagnosed ADHD, which also presents as depression. (And as anxiety, which also triggers procrastination.)

If lifting is motivating, it’s conceivable that what gets you going (or doesn’t in its absence) is dopamine.

I’ve felt similarly with isolation too, both the comfort and the fear of going too deep. When I feel like isolating, I feel like I’m fully in control of what I find fulfilling or rewarding. But then I miss that from my people eventually.

Not trying to say that my thing is yours. But offering my experience in case it might resonate.

I am in my early forties, and have been starting companies since I was 16. I am well into my fifth serious company now (depending on how you count). But somehow, I keep repeating the same mistakes, and I am running out of ideas on how to fix it, to a degree that I have just stopped doing stuff two years ago. (Fortunately(?) I am well enough now to just give up...)

For some reason, I always end up with an unhappy team. Even if the company is successful on paper in terms of numbers, there is always the feeling you hurt feelings no matter what you do, there's always someone who will feel attacked by someone else's internal communication. To a point where that even leaks to customers.

This sounds easy to fix, but I am really conscious about it, and tried various strategies, with less involvement from my side, more involvement, having someone else do the hiring decisions, etc. - with my latest company, six years ago, I tried to stay out of it, hired CEOs, but now the company "works, barely" but there's nobody taking any initiative, nobody is passionate about it, everyone is just doing the minimal they can. I predict will not survive more than another few years.

It makes me sad sometimes because the ideas behind the companies/products/services seem to be fine, the market is there, the money flows work, even without VCs. I'm just getting tired of all the social problems. This is not something my CS degree and all the coding and later management books and training prepared me for.

(Throwaway account to protect the innocent.)

Thanks for such an honest introspective to a life that I'm sure many of us here envy from the outside.

This may be cliché, but I've heard a lot of successful founders talk about how they see the best and worst character traits in them manifest in the company culture, often 10x'd if left unchecked. Have you given any thought to how your own personality is affecting your babies (aka your companies)? Hiring/outsourcing the problem to someone else sounds like you're not confronting it head on - and teaching your employees that they can/should do the same. Probably reading too much into this though! Thanks for sharing.

No, that's exactly it. At the beginning of course I thought it was bad hiring decisions, but after a while it became clear that this is "haunting me", and the only conclusion I can draw is that it has something to do with me. Which is when I started really to experiment with various strategies, none of which worked (probably because I can't run away from myself.)

It is a bit sad, since I was quite successful in building networks, outside of my own companies: I am surrounded by a lot of entrepreneur-type people which I consider my friends, I have friendly investors lined up to support my product ideas. And I have at least 20 more "good ideas" that could be worth pursuing, but I am very reluctant to do so.

So, two years ago, I extracted myself from everything. I've read what must now be at least two dozen "therapy books", started therapy with external professionals, but it doesn't feel like anything is bringing me closer to "the problem".

I've always tried to establish an open culture, flat hierarchies, openly talking about things. But I became careful about it too, since I don't want to push stuff on others if they don't see the need. If it is always only me that wants to talk about such things, and rarely anyone else has anything to say, everybody is just waiting for me to "declare" how to do things, what the priorities should be... In all these years, I can remember only a couple of situations where anyone suggested to do something different from what I suggested.

Yes, very likely I am "not a good leader". I recognize this. I don't want to be. I "just" want to have teams where you do stuff together, because it is fun, because it has a purpose, because it makes money, whatever. It works a lot better in situations where everyone has their own agenda and is not hired by "my company".

What I always hoped for is to end up with a "real co-founder", but that never happened. I have lots of "co-founder friends", but of course we are all passionate about our own ideas... so lately I've been thinking, I should finally join some existing effort, instead of trying again and again to get my own efforts off the ground.

> Yes, very likely I am "not a good leader". I recognize this. I don't want to be. I "just" want to have teams where you do stuff together, because it is fun, because it has a purpose, because it makes money, whatever. It works a lot better in situations where everyone has their own agenda and is not hired by "my company".

Ironically, this is the way the leaders I most admire also talk. Maybe you're putting to much emphasis and pressure on yourself, maybe your employees really did want to belong to "your company" and be on the same agenda as you but that was too stressful a burden to bare?

Either way, after 5 lead roles for yourself, taking a supporting cast role sounds like a good idea with little risk, if you hate it well at least you'll know for sure

I realize this is unsolicited, so I will feel no insult if you don't desire to respond, you've just got me very interested from a "management case study" perspective; so at the risk of a very naive question:

Do you have a good understanding re: what your folks are unhappy _about_? Like very specifically, do they feel overworked? Is there reliably political drama in the office? Is it a pay issue? I mention these not to suggest but give examples of how bluntly I mean. Problem here, is that it may be hard for you, given the power dynamic, to get that answer, but as an engineer, I can say it was always _pretty well known_ to the boots on the ground what was making the team unhappy. (and what was fascinating, and why I make this comment, is that it always seemed to run into a real bottleneck percolating up into management)

If you've already gone down this route, then again, ignore me entirely, but if you've not, or if you doubt the veracity of the message you got, I wonder if you can get a "spy in the ranks." I don't mean this in a negative way, but an engineer who for whatever reason (Naivete? self-sacrifice? I use these somewhat snide terms largely because I'm somewhat tongue-in-cheek referring to my past self) is willing to go against otherwise better judgement and be truly open with management about the situation (in that sometimes, management _may_ be the problem, and no one wants to fall on that sword), and who has enough trust with their peers to understand what's going down with them as well.

This can be hard to find, and isn't always present; but to summarize this ramble:

I would emphasize attacking the root of the problem in a very personal fashion, but that to do so requires having (or building) some conduit of trust and rapport; and I wonder if you've run into roadblocks trying to apply this.

Would having a "spy in the ranks" not further undermine the trust between founder and employees? Wouldn't it be ideal to lead by example and encourage a culture of open sharing over eavesdropping? I get that there will always be some power dynamic between manager/managee, but I felt encouraged enough with my previous manager's and skips to be open and direct about problems if there were some. That's probably an exception not the rule, though.

Having not been in management whatsoever, I'm asking purely out of curiosity

Truth is I probably didn't use the right wording there, was too tongue-in-cheek with the intent of poking jabs at myself.

You get at the issue I've seen with what you say here: >I get that there will always be some power dynamic between manager/managee, but I felt encouraged enough with my previous manager's and skips to be open and direct about problems if there were some.

Namely, I've seen too many situations (both as an engineer and a lead) where the engineers really did NOT feel encouraged to be open; and even if it was encouraged, there was not necessarily sufficient trust to be entirely candid. As I gestured at earlier, sometimes the problem _is_ management, and even when it's not, it can sometimes be a risky proposition to be too negative to your boss (ESPECIALLY if they're a component of what needs to be addressed), so I've seen engineers default to limited disclosure.

So what I mean when I say "spy in the ranks" is something more benevolent than I think I conveyed. Namely, someone who is able to bridge that communication gap by conveying the "risky info" in a way that doesn't put anyone in the line of fire; consider the benevolent motive of "This affects all of us and I might as well put my neck on the line to try and get it fixed if other engineers are nervous to put theirs." I mentioned that I was largely poking fun at my past self, so I'll give a concrete example:

I've been on a team after a manager change. There was discontent on the team, because the prior manager had committed to but not managed to complete some QOL things the engineers has requested prior. The new manager was not really aware of this, but the engineers, having been burnt, were not super eager to spend time/effort/political capital to re-surface the issues, even though if addressed they would make life substantively better. I was in the lucky combination of both having some prior rapport with the new manager, as well as having a more senior role that gave me more confidence to "make waves", so I was able to slip in a comment of, "you know, there's X issue that you might not have been aware of. Not going to name any names, but it might be nice to re-surface this."

So to your point: is a culture of open sharing the goal? 100%. And I would be remiss to use the word "Eavesdropping." I wouldn't recommend an avenue to this information that requires "listening in" such that it would break trust. I primarily intend to convey there may be ways to get that information as a process of _building_ trust; the trick here (and why I use the difficult words) is to find the most effective ways to get to the real and honest ROOT of that, which can be hard to bootstrap from a trustless environment, and often requires finding some way to connect with engineers who can see the whole picture and will give you the straight and narrow, ideally in a blameless fashion. (Further to your point; that aspect (blameless) is something very important to build in this conversation, making it VERY CLEAR this is a culture of mitigation and improvement, not fault. Makes it easier to have more of these channels open and conversations in the future)

If you are interested, I'd be more than happy to chat realtime, you can find me in twitter with my username or jluraschi at gmail. I have a passion for building great work environments, but have seen it over-and-over that at some point, something gets dysfunctional, usually caused by the best intentions and the best decisions which is quite frustrating. I'm starting my own project which might turn into a company, so would love to hear yours perspective, if anything, just to learn form your past experiences.

Random thought which is likely to be incorrect from lack of information; I also wonder, could it be possible that you are actually building great teams but your expectations are too high? No company is perfect, so your expectations on what company-growth should look like might not match reality, I myself I'm trying to figure out why culture changes as companies grows. Dunbar's number perhaps?

Interesting story.

My friend started multiple companies and likewise got completely fed up with “people problems.” Non-stop bickering , complaining and infighting. He decided to get out of anything involving dealing with people and focus on cryptocurrencies.

Likewise, I had my run at management and saw how my best intentions and positive support for growth in others inevitably blew up in my face. Even people who “have everything” at work may have problems outside of work they bring to the job. And now those problems are YOUR problems.

There is a story arc for peoples careers in a company. They can start off doing great but then everything settles into an equilibrium where people just passively hate each other or are bored.

I think the only solution is to keep them busy and distracted by constantly stirring the pot and bringing in outside influence.

I think honestly you might just be rediscovering what many serial entrepreneurs seem to know: Start a business and flip it and get out, move on to the next thing.

Corporations are artificial tribes, and are unstable because these are people who are forced to hang out with each other because they are getting paid.

Would your employees hang out if they weren’t getting paid? Probably not. There is a time limit for how long people will tolerate that. Better to sell the company and let them move on.

Could it be you are looking for the equivalent of a family in the workplace and feel let down? I have found that disappointment can lead from unrealistic expectations.

My home wasn't a very happy place when I was growing up. I spent most of my time hanging out with friends outside the home. It has taken me to get to 50 to truly understand the unrealistic expectations I still place on my friends.

I carried out an experiment about 6 months ago and stopped contacting friends. Throughout that time about 25% have been in touch. I think in a healthy way I am re-thinking the mutuality of friendship. I will invest my energies more wisely going forward.

So maybe you are the problem or maybe you are not. Maybe you are just hoping for a world where people are kind. Unfortunately everyone is not awesome as the modern world would have us believe. I think you should keep doing what you do well, being a business man, and not get dragged down by other people's drama. Expect hassle in the workplace and get your lift from family and friends.

Mine are more in the pathetic realm.

I feel fatigued all the time. I sleep a lot and will wake up exactly 1 minute before standard working hours begin.

It doesn't seem like there's any time. The second I finish work there's a black hole of making dinner, cleaning, doing a few chores, and then falling into bed.

Those are far from pathetic, in fact some of the most real and valid reasons. Mental health is so important.

But holy crap did I feel exactly this when working at bigtech. 1-2hr commute plus long days and short weekends it can all blur together so quickly. Winter especially was the worst when it was dark out long before I left the office.

On the sleeping note - have you been tested for sleep apnea before? I'm young, slim and healthy but felt exactly that way (sleep 12+ hrs on nicest bed I could find, humidifier and air purifier and all, but still not feel rested & needing to go to my car during work to take a nap..). Low and behold I tested positive for sleep apnea, and I've heard CPAPs can be night and day for many with it.

No, I haven't been tested, but I know that I snore if my weight goes above a threshold. Covid has kept me from exercising so my sleep is probably taking a huge hit.

I haven’t looked at your responses but I hope you’ve gotten plenty that will amplify what I’m going to say: there’s nothing pathetic about this. Waking up, doing the same thing as the previous day, surviving, going to sleep, repeat... is uninspiring, and can feel soul crushing.

I even bought a shirt about it to have a memory of this time, a Nine Inch Nails shirt that just repeats the lyric “every day is exactly the same” over and over.

Anyway, what you’re feeling is normal. It’s not a good feeling, but you’re not feeling it alone.

> I haven’t looked at your responses but I hope you’ve gotten plenty that will amplify what I’m going to say

I am curious about how you browse HN? I only see one additional comment besides yours.

Generally on my phone. I only saw a bit of the first sentence of that reply at the point I had scrolled. I was also very near going to bed so probably half awake.

In one word: money.

Enough money to have a yearly income such that I don't need to have a job anymore, and can devote my time to building https://concise-encoding.org and all of the technologies that will be built upon this foundation (protocols, streaming and communication technologies, data transports, etc). Over the past 3 years, I've had two periods of a couple of work-free months where my output went sky-high, and I miss that.

Don't get me wrong: I love my job, the people, the industry, etc. In fact I was hired there because they built a major pillar of the company on one of my open source projects. But at the same time, 8h a day uses up a significant chunk of my creative juices that would otherwise turbo-charge my open source initiatives.

I see all of these people who have enough money that it generates a comfortable income for them with minimal effort on their part, and it tears me up to see them wasting all that luxurious time on frivolous pursuits rather than contributing to humanity. I won't complete most of my works because there's not enough time in a human lifespan (and I'm at peace with that - it just means I have to prioritize), but there's so much more I could accomplish without these other claims on my time...

I work in health care as a care aide and I have an invention I think could really help with a certain condition. I’ve started gathering some of the material I need to craft this but really don’t know what step 2 would be after that. Do I need a patent right away or what do I do after I make a product. I’m starting to get more serious on this as I have recently spent a few hundred getting what I need but still not feeling very motivated. I am Canadian. I have limited funds to invest. Any thought are welcome. Thank you.

Incredible, that's the kind of passion project I was thinking of when I posted! So cool to be in that position to potentially help a lot of people..

Know little about patents but I imagine it's something you want to do earlyish in your industry. Do you have anyone to turn to to help make it a reality? Making it a team effort may help motivate you when you're feeling down.

I've been a Software Engineer wanting to do a startup since I got my first job, 2021 is finally the year I'm trying this out full time, see https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=25610809

So, knock on wood, nothing is holding me back right now; however, money did hold me back for many years. The recent stock rally helped me close this gap and can now give this a shot with some safety. I really hope, one day, we can live in a world where following our passion is not decided by luck nor privilege. I'm hoping I can succeed and help others achieve their dreams.

Loss aversion bias

I'd love to one day leave my tiny hometown in Canada and get exposed to foreign cultures (primarily interested in US/Japan/Germany). However, I find it hard to stomach tossing out the ~$10k worth of crap that I've accumulated over the years so that I can move abroad -- even though I've heard from my friends that top companies have ludicrous signing bonuses that can allow me to replace everything.

Maybe once Covid is finally under control in a year or two, I'll be able to overcome my personal bias. For now, I'll focus on studying foreign languages in my spare time and avoid impulse buying.

A friend once told me, right after I had settled in to my first cozy big tech job: "you should be uncomfortable being too comfortable". May be the single most useful advice I've ever received.

Also, having lived in Tokyo for a year, just freakin do it. So much new things to learn there.

oh, and ironically that friend has stayed at their cozy corporate gig and doesn't seem to heed their own sage advice very much :/

I sometimes get stuck on “what’s the point of this?” More specifically what the end really will actually bring about. Over the last several months I’ve been working on a small display fountain I wanted to put outside my house joining to entertain folks as they walk by. Every so often though I get stuck on “is anybody at all going to care about this?” And then I waste an afternoon watching videos or something.

For me, I have to find the will to push through those moments and get it done.

I can relate. The fountain sounds cool if not purely because you like it, is that not enough of a reason?

It should be enough reason, I just need to convince my self-doubt of it. The trouble in particular is getting momentum on any part of the project can be a tough hill to climb.

I hear you, I have found myself getting stuck on "what's the point/end goal of this, and is it worthwhile?" for some time now. Among other things, I am a sometime musician and writing music is difficult enough in itself, without thinking "there is so much music out there that it's unlikely that more than a few people will hear my music, so why bother?" Plenty of folks seem to just enjoy the journey and not think too hard about the destination, I'd love to be one of them.

Oh fascinating, you and GP must be "destination not the journey" whereas I feel very much the opposite like you say. Never realized there's a distinction.

Is it like that you need external validation, or to know you'll please other people with a piece of music you right? What if it's just to make yourself happy? I'm terrible with music though, I can't imagine writing something new is easy at all even before you get in your head about the outcomes.

Crippling depression.

Sorry friend :(. Here to talk if you need it!

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Primarily a lack of time, but also a lack of focus. I’ve never found one single project that fulfils everything I’m looking for, so am currently dividing what time I have between two:

- A website about video games that I love to work on - but which has a niche audience and is ultimately quite frivolous.

- A programming language implementation which could provide significant value to its future users - but building it is frustrating and not always interesting.

There is some crossover of skills and knowledge between the two projects, but at the moment they’re both progressing very slowly.

I’m also losing time to analysis paralysis - should I stop working on one of them? Which one? (Might I find a purpose in games, or a passion for languages?) Or should I carry on trying to progress both?

Have a similar situation myself.. strategy-wise a niche audience sounds more attractive than a potentially-big-but-vague market. But looking at my own setup, I'm much more attracted to working on my grand-vision low-code app builder tool that has an undefined market than I am to a niche b2c business that's actually making (minimal) profit.

Conventional wisdom in startup land is to focus on one thing, but I find myself disagreeing with that notion and kinda want it all ;)

I want to build something for the App Store, but I feel like if it’s not perfect, it will be a wasted launch. It feels like you can’t really iterate in an App Store product, it needs to be bullet proof on the first go.

Plus it needs to be native in iOS/android to pull off the ui patterns. It just feels like a shit ton of work, but I sincerely believe it’s the obvious solution.

I’m perturbed by the mountain of work and execution necessary here, so of course, I indulge in the fantasy of it being built vs putting in daily progression towards making it a reality. All this leads to disliking who I am.

Asking with some self-interest for a project I'm working on:

Is there anything in particular about the project that's frustrating/time-consuming? Or just the whole thing altogether?

Projecting a bit here, but your dilemma seems to resonate really well with this essay, especially when you mentioned "indulging in the fantasy": https://www.trevormckendrick.com/essays/future-you-masturbat...

Pains me to hear it makes you dislike yourself, means next to nothing from a stranger online, but you're obviously smart, passionate, and care about your (potential) users' experiences, which is pretty admirable by itself. We see so many stories here of epic devs/biz persons moving mountains and executing their visions, but I'd be surprised if the large majority of them didn't go through a rut like what you currently are facing at least once.

The arduous thing is that I haven’t ever done native app development, so will need to learn it. I cannot use the cross-platform frameworks to bootstrap since the product primarily aims to solve the current UX/UI provided by existing apps.

The article pretty much nails what I’ve been doing (and I’m embarrassed to even admit the nature of my success fantasies, they are laughably delusional, but my goto guilty pleasure to indulge in).

But, the disliking myself part comes from the fact that I don’t operate like this when it comes my day job. I always tackle a problem with discipline, reduce scope, find some way to a solution with consideration for correctness/time-investment.

So why am I acting like a jerk-off when it comes to this other thing? I think a little has to do with the fact that I’m envisioning another concept in the most saturated app space imaginable, one that most people (including myself) would say ‘don’t even bother doing another one of those unless you take it up a notch’. The day-job pragmatist in me is talking the fantasist in me out of this nonsense basically (fantasist doesn’t know Swift for example, needs that reality check). It’s almost like being a parent and not having faith in your kids, you will feel bad about this on some level.

I can relate to this, but in my case it is a web app and becoming proficient in programming. Lots of false starts in my past....

For a long time I thought it was not having a good solution to an interesting problem.

With hindsight though I know now it was having not found the right co-founder.

Startupschool.org was a huge help and I'd recommend it to anyone.

right now for me it's not being able to find users. I am building my first side project that I want to profit from and get myself down wondering how to get people to use what I'm making.

This is a huge struggle for so many founders, you're definitely not alone in this so don't get down on yourself. Wish I had good advice beyond just saying that building it is only half the battle.

Mind if I ask what you're building?

Of course. I unfortunately don't have anything to show yet, but I'm building a site for people to swap books they have for books they want!

Someone else said 'I sometimes get stuck on “what’s the point of this?”' and it resonates with me a lot. I am probably the closest I have been to launching an MVP for a site I am building and it really hits me hard. "Will anyone use this?", "why even finish it?", "how will it support itself financially" etc.

A combination of time, motivation, money and luck tbh.

If you had to pick one?

Depends on the problem, but for the most relevant to this thread, probably motivation.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com