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Comment by jhap | Hacker News Reader

I make a little bit less than the median income (grad student). If it was up to me, I feel totally satisfied with my income. I can afford anything I want to buy, I can go out for dinner without worrying, I have savings, etc. Similarly I do not feel envious of others who have more than me, I am not looking for a change in lifestyle, and like some others in this thread I think some degree of inequality is optimal.

However when my longtime girlfriend (working in finance) feels insecure dating a man with a lower income, and is not happy with me because I can't afford / am not interested in luxury vacations and sport cars then my income becomes an issue. When I chose my job I knew I'd be taking a big loss in earnings and I knew I would be okay with that, but when it affects the people important in my life and they think less of me because of my low salary it feels bad.

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Have they told you that they feel insecure dating a man with a lower income or are you projecting that?

This is an absolutely wonderful question. 43 year old me wishes that I had gotten this exact piece of advice when I was 23...

Can you elaborate on why? What would you have done differently?

Looking back with the benefit of perspective, it’s amazing (and sad) how much power I gave those types of projections. I don’t recall thinking through those projections with such clarity. And maybe if I had, I would have given up that self destructive trait far earlier than I did.

On the other hand, I might be giving young me too much credit. I was stubborn as hell and had a lot of other shit to get rid of too! Aging is a hell of a process and I highly recommend it!! :)

Yes in so many words.

She has told me about how her coworkers make fun of men behind their back when their wives are promoted to higher positions than them (e.g., things like "we know who's in charge of that relationship"); asks me questions like how would I afford to pay for my parent's cancer treatment if they were to get cancer; reminds me I will not be able to afford a house while her friends are buying houses; has expressed dissatisfaction for me preferring designer Uniqlo collections rather than actual designer clothing; and has given me a hard time about being in a low income field (not studying CS or engineering).

edited: I thought of more points to add.

The conclusion I understood from your first comment is something along the lines of: "it's now more important to me to make more money since it affects my longtime girlfriend".

Meanwhile, my gut feelings about this say that I wouldn't want my partner to feel this way about my income status.

Yeah right, so I've been having mixed feelings recently. I'm considering dropping out of my program to get a data science type job in industry or I'm wondering if this just means I'm with the wrong person.

To bring things back to the original question, I think this whole experience has made me skeptical of people who optimize their life around income (past a certain point). At the same time I think chasing a higher income is probably an addictive to some degree, so I understand how people can fall into that and I think it might change people (my girlfriend obviously was not like this when we met).

My takeaway as a low-income person, is that I think high-income people will always dismiss me if I make these types of statements. "Of course he thinks this way, he's just a poor a student!". It's this kind of tautology that makes it impossible to deny being an alcoholic, etc. As far as I'm concerned, from my current position, it is impossible to persuade anyone that is dismissive about low-income people to think otherwise.

Hey bud, if you ever need a random person to talk to, my email is in the profile.

hey I really appreciate that, thanks for the kind offer!

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