Point me to somewhere I can buy them as a private individual, and I'll happily try just that.
You can trade bitcoin options on deribit. I believe they are cash settled though, so maybe that won't count for you.
Microstrategy (MSTR) call options
etoro?
Don't most stock brokers support options these days? I know Schwab does - you just have to apply first. (unless you meant crypto options >.>)
I mean specifically crypto options.
deribit.com
Not BTC options. Just options. They have the exact same pay off structure that you're a fan of.
Options are time limited.
Presumably your trade would be time limited as well (or at least have some exit conditions) unless your plan would be to buy and hold bitcoin from now until the end of time.
Sure, you can buy crypto options in a few places, but buying and holding crypto is far less risky in the ecosystem. There is not a robinhood for crypto options.