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Comment by baron_harkonnen | Hacker News Reader

Somewhat ironically, I think the important thing here is to learn to be more comfortable spending time alone.

The pandemic has surprised me with both how much people are unable to just be alone for awhile, and related to this, how much they have a difficult time being with partners and family without larger social distractions.

Being able to be alone, at least in my experience, helps you to be with other people in a sincerely intimate way. People that struggle the most with their partners during the pandemic seem to be people who need socialization to distract from their own relationship problems.

If two people can be "alone together" in a room for awhile, they can still refresh, and restore their energy. This allows them to be more supportive and close when they need socialization because they aren't exhausted.

Loneliness is being forced to deal with your fear of being alone, without every taking the time to be comfortable being alone.

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I don't know if this is the sort of thing most people can use mental jiu jitsu to dodge out of. Social connection is a drive most might not be able to satisfy without actual social connection.

I'm not recommending people become recluses, I'm recommending that now, when you have social connections, you practice taking time to enjoy being alone, and not just being distracted alone. Take a long walk by yourself, spend sometime reading in a quiet room, mediate if you enjoy it, go for a bike ride by yourself, when social spaces up again, practice going to the bar or to slowly drink a coffee by yourself, get dinner by yourself more often.

And to make it clear, my point isn't "be more alone" but rather than "being comfortable being alone helps us maintain social connections better".

> This allows them to be more supportive and close when they need socialization because they aren't exhausted.

This part picks out an important detail, which is that if you’re capable of being alone social connection isn’t always load-bearing for your happiness and fulfillment. I don’t think this conflicts with the drive you mentioned, just that being okay without allows you to be more picky of how you are with.

It is similar to the difference between cooking whatever when you’re starving and finding richness and depth in being able to develop your craft for higher-order fulfillment. This premise, of course, relies on there being the availability of or willingness to build a larder containing the necessary materials.

> if you’re capable of being alone social connection isn’t always load-bearing for your happiness and fulfillment.

I don't disagree with you, but I do think it's worth considering that maybe we are happiest when social connection is load-bearing.

A life where no one needs you and you need no one is a life with no stakes at all. When I think back on the experiences in my life that were the most meaningful, that made me feel my life was deeply worth living, it's almost always times where I did something important for someone or someone did something important for me. At the very least, it's times where a meaningful experience was shared with people I care about.

There is a trend in the world (and all over this thread) that the ultimate goal of life is invulnerabtily. To subtract everything that could possibly hurt you. I get that. I do that too. But I have learned in the past couple of years how high a cost that carries.

If you never expose your soft spots to anyone, you never experience the absolutely profound joy and connection of having someone who sees you, warts and all, and earns your trusts and loves you completely.

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