Hacker News Reader

Comment by vincentmarle | Hacker News Reader

> I'd still like to see the big action flicks in the theater, and if I were a teen, I'd still prefer dates in a theater rather than at home, and I'm sure a lot of people feel safer having a date at a theater than at someone's house.

I never understood why going to the movies is a common thing to do on a date, don't you want to get to know the other person and be able to talk to them?

View on HN

Getting to know someone is a process -- talking before and after the movie gets that going. The shared experience of watching the movie gives you something to talk about and reflect on. One need not know everything about a person before beginning to enjoy spending time with them.

If someone is so interesting in pre-movie conversation that you mutually decide that the conversation is better than whatever the movie has to offer, the movie will be there tomorrow.

Also, movie theaters are dark rooms in a fairly safe public space, which is relatively unique. It is a safe place to, say, hold someone's hand for the first time without immediate societal visibility.

If movies don't seem like a great date venue, there are other people out there who feel the same way.

Somehow one of my friends manages to almost always get sexual during the viewing of the movie.

I guess some people are just real pros at that particular date.

In general it never made much sense to me.

It's possible that what happens and what you are told happens don't match up.

It's also possible that they do.

Didn't need to go there.

As a reasonably well-adjusted adult living in a city with plenty of interesting stuff to do, sure, there are a million better date options. Drinks, a museum, a walk in the park, almost anything beats a movie.

But as a nervous 16-year old kid who probably couldn’t fill a whole dinner with engaging conversation if his life depended on it, an opportunity to sit next to a girl for two hours in a dark room was a godsend.

Best explanation ever! I think I need to steal these two paragraphs.

Movie then dinner after gives you something to talk about. It used to work better before movies got so crazy long but it's the same concept of any activity paired with a date something to do/talk about when you have a pause in conversation.

That makes a lot more sense. I always pictured it as dinner first, then the movie, or just the movie itself, which never made sense.

Still, how long could a conversation after the movie about the movie even last? "Yeah I liked it, it was funny when that side character said X, and it was cool when plot twist Y happened." 5 minutes later you're back where you were unless you're both film buffs and do a whole critique of it.

I prefer date activities where you can talk about them as you do them. Even bowling sounds more fun than a movie date, to me. But maybe that's just me.

"Wasn't it funny when charter X did Y?"

"Yeah! That reminds me of a time I did Y! Let me tell you how that happened"

Movies are a great shared cultural experience that can be a good jumping off point for a conversation.

I feel like movie&dinner is low effort and more for married and longer term couples looking for an excuse to get out of the house or that have a large interest in the actual movie being shown rather than in the first 3 or so dates.

I 100% agree around actual activities something to really do while it happens. Bowling is honestly pretty good as you can go as fast as you want or as slow as you want. Good conversation going on just keep talking. Conversation slows throw a few while you think of a new topic or one comes up organically. Bonus points as no one expect you to be any good.

I think you're correct, but also it's a great "training date" when you're first starting off in your dating career. You don't have to interact much, and just being by someone you like holding hands can be enough when you're 16 years old.

I wouldn't make a movie my go-to first or third date in my 20's though, as it's not really accomplishing the goal of getting to know someone and finding a mate.

Now that I'm married? Dinner and a movie sounds pretty awesome...

I think it's a holdover from when movies were 1) cheap, and 2) a warm place to make out in the dark for singles who lived at home or in small rented rooms that didn't allow guests. People do it now because they're told it is a thing that is done.

They're also good as a lead-in to a dinner date, or drinks. Gives you conversation material.

Movies are as cheap as they have been for the past 20+ years, in real dollars. But many other things have gotten cheaper over time.

This isn't really true. Movie tickets (in the US) are a classic example of a cost that is rising faster than inflation (although as noted, movie popcorn is rising even more)

https://money.cnn.com/2017/08/02/pf/expenses-inflation/index...

It's a terrible date for someone you've just met. Though it's fantastic if you're already past the interviewing each other phase. It's a short shared experience that requires zero effort. The act of just sitting next to someone for that long can be very intimate.

Also, and I can't stress this enough, you learn if they're capable of sitting quietly for 2 hours. Some people just can't do it, and I've learned that it is a big red flag.

Right. And I would hate to be looking forward to 2+ hours of being with someone after I figure out that I'm no longer interested in the person within the first 5 minutes of a first date.

Dinner following the movie gives you all sorts of opportunities to screw up and then you still have the task of finishing the meal. Bad table manners, getting messy food all over your face, making odd eating noises and the list goes on. Leave all that until after your date is already much into you.

Best date? Coffee. Explicitly tell your date that you're going to be out after one cup or 15 minutes, which ever comes first. If the date goes bad, then either party only needs to wait 15 minutes or drain the coffee and run. It's only 15 minutes of conversation to fill. Memorize a list of questions if you have to. Then try to improv on the questions and the following conversation. Don't have anything to say? Let the date answer the questions. Date is answering quickly? Then make sure you create lots of questions. Or maybe the conversation just isn't that interesting and you should drain your coffee.

Repeat for date #2

Then you can start getting more creative after that.

Date doesn't like that the meeting was so quick? There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Edit: Yeah, I'm not a dating advice guy. Sorry about that. I don't know where this came from. I guess the point is to make those first couple of dates quick and also easy to bail on.

Yeah, that would never fly for me. Nobody is going to become more interested in me as experienced in only a 15 minute sitting, while conversely I can maintain interest in ANYBODY for 15 minutes. That's just a recipe for me getting in my head about people that I would realize are not right for me within another 30 minutes, who will never call me again.

1st date is more about maintaining the level of interest, not raising it. They were interested enough in you to go on a date with maybe just remote correspondence. A quick date is just an extension of that. Maintaining enough interest in a first date will lead to a second. The first two are just like job interviews. You get a ton more information seeing someone face to face than you do with remote correspondence. I can find out more about a person in 5 minutes of meeting than I can in 5 weeks of chatting on a messaging app. It's the in-person 1st impression. That impression can't be erased with another hour of time with the person.

I'm looking at limiting downside of a meeting while not necessarily raising the ceiling. The downside is more important to me. If I don't pass the first impression, then I don't want for the person to be stuck with me for an hour following. Just break it off right there, but we'll finish our coffee first.

>It's the in-person 1st impression. That impression can't be erased with another hour of time with the person.

I honestly don't think that I show any personality within the first 15 minutes of meeting someone. I am polite and interested, sure, but 15 minutes is about the minimum to organically hit on conversation that moves past that level.

Right, but my focus is more about making the date tolerable if you don't click right away. There's nothing worse than being on a long date with someone when you know within the first 5 minutes that you aren't interested. And again, you showed enough to get the person to meet you in the first place and that was likely through the exchange of remote messages. Maybe I miss out by not giving the date more time to work, but there's an abundance of options. There will always be more dates as long as you are putting in the right effort. That first date is like a quick interview which screens people for a more extensive meeting.

I'm one hundred percent with you on the long date thing. I do believe first dates shouldn't be in a locked-in setting. My first date probably look exactly like yours, except that my goal is to keep things going as long as is enjoyable.

Going to a movie with someone tells you a lot about them in a low-key setting (can they share snacks? Do they eat a ton? Are they somewhat capable of managing money? Do they talk during movies? Are they inappropriately handsy when you don't want them to?).

If afterwards it turns out you did not like it both of you at least had a good time due to the environment, so it is pretty unlikely to end as a huge disaster (and stick inside your head as such). Especially when you prefer low-stress personal interaction, it's easy to see the appeal.

It's shared experience that gives you a lot to talk about. But more importantly, it has a social contract of just sitting idly by and not actively interacting, which can be very helpful for feelings of anxiety, unease and responsibility to keep talking and doing something interesting when you're next to this new person. Instead of worrying about all that, you can just sit, be quiet and don't even worry that much about how you look — it's dark anyway, and they're probably looking at the screen, not you.

There’s a comfort with someone that comes only with spending time near them. The conversation I’m going to have, the answers to the exact same questions, is going to be different if I’ve just met someone compared to if I’ve just met someone and then spent an hour and a half sitting next to them, maybe with some hand on knee or around shoulder action.

This goes doubly so for online dating. Where when we first meet we might be at acquaintance level of information about each other while still at complete strangers level of comfort.

Actually talking too much can ruin dates.

This probably depends more on what the topics are, and how they're talked about.

If you talking ruins your dates, you may consider that it is instead what you choose to talk about. If conversely you prefer your date speaks little (or not at all), I don't know what to tell you.

Going to a concert or a movie has worked exceptionally well for me.

You have a joint experience to reflect on and something to look forward to beforehand.

Stage one is feeling comfortable around the other person.

Besides, conversation is generally held during the "dinner" part of the canonical "dinner and a movie".

Makes no sense to me.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com