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Comment by tbirdz | Hacker News Reader

What do you do if you genuinely don't want anything?

It seems like people don't believe you and keep harassing you asking for what you really want, and then get really frustrated when you keep saying "No, really I don't want anything". Then they either respect your wishes and don't get anything, but seem to harbor some kind of resentment against you in their heart, or they get some random garbage you don't want and call you ungrateful when you don't like it.

Really the greatest gift of all would be some kind of exemption from this custom so I don't have to go through this twice a year.

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Ask for food. You always need food. They can make it themselves, such as a favorite recipe, which will make it special to them. Or they can buy something that they like and think that you might like, which conveys a connection between you.

If it's good, you get a great memory. Even if it's not, it's soon gone, and not weighing down your life.

There are some who have rigorous diets or otherwise don't want their routine disrupted. This advice won't work for them. In that case, try an event, such as a day out (though the winter solstice may not be the best time for that, especially not during a pandemic).

But in a wide variety of cases, food does everything you want a gift to do. It's something personal that doesn't become a burden. And it can be done for a reasonable amount of money or time.

Food is pretty good. But its not perfect, I don't want a bunch of, say, chocolate since I'll eat it all and feel bad.

Ah, but that's the best thing about being given food, you can share it with other people in a way you can't with other presents. In fact I often find the person who gave me the food will be really up for trying whatever it was with me.

Wine or coffee is my go to.

Both have a long shelf life, so even if we have plenty on hand currently, eventually we’ll get around to enjoying it.

They also both come in at lots of price points: from affordable to fancy.

Father's Day became a lot easier when I was enough to buy liquor, cigars and fireworks.

One of my better gift requests was a bunch of exotic fruit. Only problem was that the gift givers didn't know where to find that. Still got to try some new tasty fruits.

> What do you do if you genuinely don't want anything?

Exactly that, people react offended when I say I don't want anything. Nowadays I ask for coffee, or beer. You end up with kilo's of coffee beans, and enough alcohol to get you killed. But, at least it's not more stuff.

Who needs random stuff? Most people don't, so they make up lists and do shopping for each other. It's a waste of time to me.

Kids want stuff, and don't have money, so presents are wonderful and exiting! But why would you want gifts for adults? They even made it a ceremonial obligation at specific moments like birthdays or Christmas,

A spontaneous gift can be fun, someone who knows you well can buy you nice serendipitous gift. But Christmas shopping.... horror! :)

People often want symbolic things whose main purpose is to remind you of that person, like ornaments, a card or a personalized home-made thing. I know someone who embroidered a Thor's hammer picture for a friend who was a fan of those comics. It wouldn't have mattered if it was somehow inaccurate - it showed they were important enough to spend time on - proof of work maybe?

I keep little trinkets that people have given me. It's nice to see them every now and then.

I spend all year not getting myself things so that I can let others get them for me for Christmas or my birthday. But this is exactly the point that the article seems to miss: there's basically no such thing as a good gift for a lot of people. The only things I want I either already have or are so high-price that I wouldn't want someone else to buy for me (and frankly I can do without those). No amount of advice can change that sorry fact for the would-be gift giver.

The exceptions are things I didn't know I wanted until I was given it, maybe I didn't know it existed. And some consumables, like nuts and chocolates.

I too hate being bought stuff that I don't need or want. Honestly I have too much stuff as it is, and nothing I already own needs replacing. The idea of yet more stuff entering my life, creating needless waste is actually a little distressing. I'm lucky to be in that position or course.

Ask for consumerble stuff, food, drink, that sort of thing. I like interesting beers, cheeses, that sort of thing. Think about the sort of things you like and ask for "posh" or "interesting" versions of it. It gives people an opportunity to exercise their gift buying powers, but whatever they get you will be gone once you consume it.

My family have always been happy to make a donation on my behalf to the good cause of their choice, perhaps that might work for you?

My family does an email thread where everyone posts gifts ideas... I'd actually really want the donation, but I don't want to say that publicly for fear of seeming "holier than thou" and ruining other people's fun.

I just have a webpage with the title "Wishlist" that lists a bunch of charities I like and explains I don't want anymore stuff.

I never tell anyone about the list, but friends have told friends and everyone figured it out.

I was elated when someone donated blood as my wedding gift.

Interesting, care to share that site?

I sympathize. I wish there wasn’t such a hardwired need to give. What I do to avoid getting any random crap gift is to always ask for either a bottle of wine or for a book they think I would like (I’ll usually request it not be another pop-psychology book). That way they can feel good while giving a gift and there is a decent chance I’ll enjoy the gift.

I myself am annoyed by receiving useless gifts just because it is an expected practice of the occasion, so I've developed a behavior where I generally don't ever give gifts out of expectation --birthdays, holidays, etc.-- and instead just give gifts when I think someone needs, really wants, or I think they would like something they aren't going to buy for themselves for one reason or another. Sometimes it's because they don't have the money, sometimes its because they know they lack the domain expertise to choose appropriately, and sometimes it's just because I think they'd enjoy whatever it is (usually books, movies, or meals).

People seem relieved that they don't have to buy me anything on "special occasions" and don't seem to mind that I don't buy them anything either. Although there probably was some resistance to that at first, I've been doing it for so long that I don't remember.

just ask for socks. it's the socially acceptable way to opt out of the gift giving ritual.

you need socks, you can safely assume nobody is going to blow too much money on socks, and whoever really wants to give you a gift gets to feel like they have given you something you wanted, and you don't have to get into the whole "no really, i don't want anything" debate.

food is also a good option, but there's always the risk of putting somebody who really can't cook in the awkward position of feeling like they should. anybody can buy socks, and there's no pressure that socks should be homemade.

Oh please, no, never socks.

I own 100+ copies of exactly one type of sock so I never have to hunt for matching pairs, and when one sock goes bad, it doesn't automatically cause another paired sock to be wasted. I abolished sock pairing a long time ago in college.

> or they get some random garbage you don't want and call you ungrateful when you don't like it.

If you don't like a gift the etiquette is not to say "thanks I hate it" but to gratefully accept the gift and pretend it's awesome. Receiving a gift is not all about you, it's equally for the giver. Research shows there are huge benefits to giving gifts, so pretending you like it is a gift in itself.

That's the problem. Pretending to be grateful just encourages more waste of materials and effort, creating an Abilene Paradox. A card is better than a bad gift. In the long run, honesty creates better relationships than seething resentment toward a disrespectful gift giver.

This really should be the top comment. The ones above it try to give suggestions, but miss the main point: most adults don’t need anything, and further, don’t want anything.

I think there are a few people that are just really into giving gifts — maybe they also love receiving them?

But it seems like most people just don’t.

Ask for consumables

More socks are always nice.

Right! As an adult, I'm sure into the socks that I didn't want when I was younger.

This is perfect, because there are good options at virtually every price point for virtually every recipient. Beer, wine, tea, coffee, golf balls, tennis balls, olive oil, vinegar, stationery, art supplies, etc. These are especially good gifts to ask for, since you can clear up any questions they have (do you only use a particular brand of golf balls, etc.) and people like the feeling that every time you use the gift you will think of them.

Agree. Relatedly, services, like massage. Or a few months of flower deliveries. Or for the practical, home cleaning or car detailing. Generally, stuff the giftee might not get for themself.

Truth, including gift cards for things you already use. Already pay for spotify? Ask for a year gift card. It makes the other party happy and you can do something else with the money.

Ask for hard drugs. :D

Kidding, of course. Gift giving really is often more about satisfying the giver's compulsion to do something for you. It's so that they can feel good.

The other suggestion about a charitable donation is good here, because there's a low bar for effort and they get the satisfaction.

I'm like you, but mostly because I buy for myself anything I want and don't hope that others will do for me. I'm also a screwball, so when people probe me for gift ideas, I challenge them.

I'd tell them things like: Learn a new language. Do that thing you've always been meaning to do. Go after that X you've always wanted.

Experiences can be a good candidate, particularly if the're shared between giftee and gifter. As always, the devil is in the details.

For my birthday I used to say that I REALLY don't want anything. Many people didn't respect the wish.

So now I ask instead to donate to a foundation I selected, any amount, and only if they feel like donating.

It works for everyone: me (finally not gifts), them (they feel they put their effort), and the good cause.

Wouldn't work for Xmas, though. So I ask for drinks & edibles.

If it's an option, just don't have an opportunity to be given gifts. Make it clear you literally don't want a gift and make them find a moment to give it to you if they insist on going against your express request. This isn't always an option, like if there's a Christmas party with an inviting-looking tree, but it can be on a birthday organised out of the house.

This is an opportunity to ask them to donate to a charity on your behalf, if they absolutely must get you something. Or you can ask for something less tangible, like a board game night or something.

This doesn't solve the problem of you being expected to get gifts, but it does give you a productive way to direct other people's energies.

Pick a charity or ask them to pick one to give in your honor.

Or ask for some food you like.

Or anything you can exchange locally at a store you like.

Ask for them to donate to a specific charity on your behalf.

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