Remembering those things can help take away the sting so you can view the feedback in a more detached way and be more likely to get some use out of it
Remembering those things can help take away the sting so you can view the feedback in a more detached way and be more likely to get some use out of it
Maybe because they had a bad day. Maybe because you're the expert. There could be a million reasons but few of them relate to the matter at hand. Keeping in mind criticism frequently comes from a place of relative weakness can help build bridges across the potentially harsh content to the real emotional background.
Edit: Well, obviously step one is to introspect and see what it is about your behaviour it would be reasonable to change. When that fails, step two is to find what emotions lie beneath the criticism.
That really is not something I would observe in practice.
It is tempting to think that they really feel inferior deep down or something like that, but it is pretty often not true. "He/she is just jealous" is just thing people say to make you feel good, but it is not based on reality.
On a serious note: Lashing out is not "feedback"!
This works great, starting with just 5 words
If you don't have 18:33, this is the essence of what she says:
They say: You are so fat. or You are terrible at public speaking. or That was crap.
You say, in a kind, untroubled, mildly nurturing voice:
[1] Thank you for sharing that.
It dissipates the tension.
In your own mind, you understand their insults, sarcasms or hurts are not anything to do with you, and will not affect you if you don't let it in. So you let your thoughts move on.
If they come back with another hurtfully worded criticism, you look directly into their eyes, raise your eyebrows a little, and say:
[2] I'm sorry, I didn't actually hear all of that. Could you please repeat that slowly for me?
They have to think about what they have said. 90% of the time, they will retract it and apologise, saying they misspoke.
If they persist with criticism, you say, quizically:
[3] Oh... are you trying to hurt my feelings?
Often they will modify what they say to clear up the misunderstanding, by explaining that they are only trying to help you. Or whatever.
Rarely, someone will go on the attack, by saying Yes, and repeating the insult. If that happens, you say
[4] Well that's not going to work because I'm not going to let that in.
And you don't let it in. You recognise that you are in an exchange with someone who has these exchanges with other people often because that is who they are, but it has nothing to do with who you are.
If they persist, you say, in a measured, almost academic voice:
[5] Did you know that critical people have the most criticism reserved for themselves? They don't like themselves. They are expressing outwards their own dissatisfaction. When you do this you are showing me, and everyone else in the office, that you are your own worst critic.