Life, Love, Loss, and Time: A Cautionary Tale

I have a form of cystic fibrosis. On CF forums, people sometimes discuss being alone, feeling like no one would love them, feeling like they would be wrong to get involved because they could die on someone and so on. I got married at age 19 and wasn't diagnosed until I was 35. So I had no such excuses. My reasons for feeling unlovable when I was younger were rooted in sexual abuse. But an awful lot of people seem to have some reason or other for feeling unlovable -- even people who marry and may appear to the outside world like they have their act together. I was married for about 22 years. It was never a happy marriage and would have ended much sooner had I not turned up unexpectedly pregnant at age 21. We loved each other (ie were "in love" at one time and continued to sincerely care) but had terrible communication problems and other issues. We divorced as a final kindness, as the only nice thing we could still do for each other.

Something I always told my sons: No one can "deserve" unconditional love. If you could deserve it, it wouldn't be unconditional. We can only try to accept it should it come into our lives.

Nearly dying taught me to live. And getting a diagnosis empowered me to get myself healthier and finally start getting my life together after a lifetime of frustration and bafflement. For me, being celibate is a practical matter while I heal from decades of infection and inadequate care. Because that is my main reason for being alone, it has been experienced from very differently than what I expected/feared for most of my life. For me, it has been freeing, healing and empowering. If I could wave a magic wand and give you piece of that, I would.

Peace.