Ask HN: How to deal with old grumpy colleague? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How to deal with old grumpy colleague?

I encounter an old grumpy “no-nonsense” very condescending type of character in meetings at work. He is a Sr engineer type who attends meetings to weigh in on things, not in my direct line of management. The guy is older (50+ likely) and talks to everyone like they don’t know what they’re doing. Very little in the way of any politeness whatsoever (and i really don’t expect much). Whenever i come out of a meeting with this guy I always feel a little less happy with my career.

What can i do to deal with this? For reference I’m in my 30s.

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So, I’m over 50 myself. And I do have a fair amount of experience in a variety of areas. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I do try to provide the value of my experience in helping others to avoid those same mistakes. I do also value economy and effectiveness of communication, even though I also realize that I can tend to be very verbose.

I try very, very hard not to be the grumpy old man. But I have seen some stuff, and it’s a hard balancing act to maintain.

If I have been acting as the grumpy old man, then I would actually really appreciate someone telling me that, because that is not who I want to be. And I do want to connect with younger engineers and developers.

I am actively interested in being a mentor to younger co-workers, and I find that they help me to become a better version of myself, through their questions and their perspective. If nothing else, I have found that the only way to truly and deeply learn some subject is to try to teach it to someone else.

So, I would encourage you to talk to the guy. Maybe he could become a mentor of yours and you could learn how to understand him better and communicate with him better, and he might appreciate that.

Or maybe not. But you won’t know unless you try to talk to him.

I smile when you consider a whippersnapper at 50 to be old.

“No nonsense” is just a communication style and you should appreciate he isn’t wasting your time. He isn’t dating you.

Condescending is another matter. I’d get a calibration from others to see whether they think he actually is condescending, or whether you are projecting. If you’re in your 30s and haven’t just gotten out of your parents’ basement, it’s probably the former. Look for an opportunity to prove to him his attitude towards you is wrong, or maybe even turn the tables. Demonstrating extreme competence, especially on more current topics or areas outside of his expertise, would probably work. I would guess that if you give him the intellectual equivalent of a slap in the face, you will end up resetting him.

But who knows? Maybe after 20 more years of meetings, you’ll end up like him...

Do his comments add any value, regardless of how they are delivered? Or do they primarily serve to derail discussions?

Does he have any formal responsibilities at all or is he an éminence grise, probably with some patents or a major product under his belt, but no portfolio of products or services?

Does he do drive bys, stepping in just long enough to interject then walk away, or does he sit through and participate in the discussion?

It’s tempting to say to ignore him, the problem is that if he truly has no responsibilities but is still employed, he's valued by your company in some way for some reason, and he can knee cap your projects or career and you'll likely never know.

If his comments actually add value then you can try to interact with him. If he's just wasting everyone's time, get your immediate management chain on your side, and then knee cap him at the next opportunity that avails.

I'm now his (likely) age. When I was much younger (late 20s) I tried to tolerate and make nice with people like this and it likely helped end my career at that employer. I don't mean you need to be mean to him, but if he's wasting your time, and he's wasting everyone's time at these meetings, then he's wasting company time. It doesn't show up anywhere except that you're not getting things done as rapidly as expected, meanwhile he's off derailing another meeting. There's no OKR or PBC for "successfully derails meetings" and most company cultures don't measure negative impact until an employee is already on a performance plan. But these employees are toxic and need to be called out.

Tactically: get someone in your management change who is comparable or higher in seniority to him on your side who can either attend some of these meetings or be ready to “just drop in” if he shows up. Let that person make the call on whether or not it's a problem for the business, and address the problem. If you try to do so you're more likely to get flagged than he is.

Perhaps the old grumpy character is just as unhappy as you in those meetings. If he has some expertise that can be useful to you, take an interest in that. In the context of boring meetings, I always found that others were flattered when they were asked for their opinion. And being courteous and pleasant can go a long way.

Is this person skilled in any specific area? Can you learn something from him? Does he have experience specific to what he voices opinion on? If yes, listen to him and consider his opinions objectively.

If he is a general blow hard just ignore him.

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