Hey HN! Author here, feel free to AMA. I've made less joke-y languages too before, most prominently Ink [0] which I use to write some of my own apps for personal notes/contacts/etc.
I like the deliberate misspelling of "clickbait," it layers a spam email feel on top of the clickbait ethos. Bravo!
I guess besides the fun of just the comedy of the idea I wanted to get back into JS (I haven't written JS in a while) and wanted a project I could fit into one night, so I sort of swizzled the language design so it wasn't super complex and doable in a few hours.
But WAIT, THERE's MORE! Before you delete all the other code and languages, first throw your computers and tablets away. TABLOID doesn't need any of that! TABLOID is Turing-Super-Complete!
Nicely done.
fyi, You've doubled up the line `BEATS / SMALLER THAN` under "how much is there".