For instance, can it ever be the same as it can be if you didn’t work together for?
Do you instead maintain a layer of “professional distance”, that means you won’t ever be as close?
I imagine it could just depend exclusively on the personality each has...
For current, active working relationships? Nope. We keep that professional distance. Once we no longer work together, I'm open to closer relationships with them. It usually doesn't happen, though.
The truth of the matter is that the thing most of us have in common with one another is that we work together, and once that's no longer true, there's just not that much more to the relationship, and so we inevitably drift apart.
I am friends with prior managers, but not anyone currently in management tree above/below me. I am friends with one coworker currently.
outside of my current job, i'm still friends w/some old managers and reports... we're all geographically distributed so it's hard to keep in touch w/everyone. :)
I believe it is healthier to have a stark perspective on what is actually happening in employer/employee relationships, and keep work as something that I do in order to be able to afford a place to live and food to eat and nothing more. Whether I enjoy whatever job I have at the time is secondary to this: it’s a bonus, but again I try very hard not to let my job become a part of how I see myself.
If you let yourself become “friends” with your boss I think you’re in danger of blurring these lines and getting into the strange position where not only must you do something you don’t necessarily want to do, but you must do it or let a “friend” down. This seems like a fast-track way of burning out.
The truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but this is the other side of your perspective.
But I think there are certain boundaries that both sides must be respectful of. For example, as a manager you need to make it clear to your employee/friend when you are communicating as a manager vs as a friend. That distinction should not be left ambiguous as that will make things potentially awkward if there is a disconnect.
As an employee, you need to respect that fact that your manager cannot tell you everything, and understanding that being their friend doesn't mean they will give you any special treatment. You should be extra careful to avoid this, as your manager will be sensitive if they notice you are trying to take advantage of the friendship in any way.
In the end, I think these boundaries can cause the friendship to not progress past a certain point if you are actively working together, mainly because it is just extra work to move past a certain level of friendship if so.
It’s something that’s possible, but very difficult and it requires a lot of additional work to keep it going and progress the friendship.
Good work colleagues, having a pint after work once in a while, sure. But I wouldn't manage people I spend time with on the weekends.
I can easily see myself either being too harsh on them to compensate, or inadvertently giving them a pass instead of feedback when necessary.
Often times colleagues will go for beer after work, especially on Fridays, and otherwise hang out at lunchtimes. Here in Finland I've sat naked in a sauna with upper-management, drinking beer, and relaxing.
Sure they're often not the people I'd expect to become friends with, but by virtue of having similar interests and spending a lot of time together you'll often have good relationships - not distant-ones - with colleagues.
(It is worth noting, for example, just how many romantic relationships start in the workplace ..)
Huh I just noticed I have a tendency to work for friends.
It is much like a marriage. There’s stuff that has to get done, and you have to work together to get it done. And like marriage, moving on can be tricky.
Trickier is befriending higher-ups. Keeping confidences is important when you know before your boss does.
I’m still friends with 2 of the 3 former bosses, so it is possible to maintain a relationship.
I sometimes wonder if professional distancing/shyness varies by region in the USA and the world - mine seems to lack all professional distance compared to my coastal peers. Someone I know worked in Brazil and they seem to go the extreme end of shunning distance with professional peers - traveling long distances to go their subordinates' weddings and such.
I've had "managers" that I've only talked to once a month that I didn't become friends with but that's to be expected.
It's great to be close, but it's important both people are fully aware of the power dynamic, and that it is real.
Your manager should be like a coach on a sporting team (in more ways than one) - you can go hang out after the game, but during practice they will wear you down. The important point here is the context - it's when and where.
Also, keep in mind, your job is just your job, and people are more important than a job. You'll have other jobs, and other managers, so if you value the friendship, go for it.
I doubt I'll ever experience something like it again and we still are friends but we all wish we had a team dynamic like we used to have.
[0] https://softbiz.io/posts/why-i-am-not-facebook-friends-with-...
It's been weird for me ever since. Not friends. In fact, sometimes I've felt he's had the exact opposite of my interest at heart.
I also consider myself friends with 2 of my 5 direct reports.
These are people that I've known for half a decade or more, though. Also, I think the manager aspect came after the friendship aspect in most cases.
I have a coworker who regularly chats with our boss on social media and it bothers me.
I feel like it’s the road to nepotism.
In return what you offer your manager is someone who's capable of doing work and becoming increasingly capable of working with less direction. Eventually you take ownership of initiatives. You should advocate for your team where appropriate, but never fanatically. You should be brave enough to speak up if you're worried about their course of action.
The main dynamic is this: In return for them helping you grow and navigate, you're trying your best to be someone who's self-sufficient, capable and someone they don't have to worry about.
There are a few things you should definitely not be doing. You shouldn't be spending too much time with them outside of work (an occasional happy hour or office event is a-ok). You shouldn't be getting drunk with them. You shouldn't be getting counseling or guidance on intensely personal issues like romantic relationships or personal life goals. Your relationship should pass a simple smell test: if you were to tell someone you were engaging in a behavior with your boss would they be shocked or surprised. If so it's probably not appropriate. Here's an example: "I eat lunch with my boss a few times a week." Seems fine to me. "I've eaten lunch with my boss every day for the last six months" Seems a bit off to me. Of course different people will have different limits-- it's up to you to set healthy boundaries that work for you.
Finally, when one of you moves on from the company, feel free to have any type of relationship you want with the manager. You're both now two independent people. I would still overall caution from becoming too intimate with them, but it's your life and you should trust yourself to steward it correctly. The reason I caution is that it's because you really don't know this person on a deeper level, and you might be surprised with what you find out. Most likely you'll maintain some professional friendship, perhaps even help each other out for several years, but after that lose touch. Ideally, you'll always look back on working with this person as a time of great fun, enjoyment and growth.
Overall, however I would say that my personal relationship with my reports has led to phenomenal gains on both sides. On the personal side its always great to have people who understand your job and can relate. On the business side it brings a touch of humanity so that you're not just a rote machine making decisions, (contrary to some people's belief I see this as better). I think a lot of manager believe they can't make exceptions to rules for any reason, but I find that workers are far more productive and loyal to the company when they are treated with compassion and understanding.
5 new engineers start fresh out of college. They work directly under some VP of engineering. They become friends, as young people of like interests who work together every day are wont to do.
The company grows! Now you need to organize into an actual team. So someone becomes a team lead, and others stay ICs.
Do they now divorce themselves of friendship, since one is a manager and the others are not? No, that's stupid. They are friends where one is a manager.
Source: myself, and hundreds of thousands of other people who have been friends with their manager.