The worst thing you can do is not talking about something or avoiding the topic. I think mutual understanding is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship.
Agreeing that the anger should not disrupt human contact and safety is absolutely essential, and does not require resolving the anger itself. It is certainly easier to successfully resolve anger and conclude the topic than to being asked to set aside anger for the evening. However, resolving anger when tired, stressed out, after a long day for one or both of you, and maybe hungry — at significant personal cost to one or both of you — is not a success. It does not create a space of safety for future arguments, and it implies that anger is a higher priority than the human being(s) feeling it.
The ceasefire specifically does not include any form of warfare between when the agreement is made and the next day. No passive-aggressiveness, no sniping, no laying verbal traps. No silent punishment. No withholding platonic touch because "they don't deserve a hug". If they attempt to start something, let it slide. If you attempt to start something, stop the instant you realize it and apologize for breaking the ceasefire.
You don't have to hide the signs of your anger. You don't have to make them feel better. You don't have to do everything they ask out of guilt. But you must continue to be their partner, and sustain the foundation of your relationship, by offering them safety overnight.
Note: This applies exclusively to non-abusive anger. If you feel like you're being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused, whether anger is involved or not, please seek immediate support from a hotline, a friend, a professional, anyone. If you can get out, do so. Possessions can always be replaced.
(Standard disclaimer, I am not your medical professional.)
It is good to de-escalate and keep discussions alive, which is the heart of the idea. But timing is key and the human condition needs to be factored in; We do get hungry, we do get tired, and these things affect our processing and how we approach problems.
There’s a dangerous implication in the “never go to bed angry” idea — You’re controlling whether your partner gets to sleep. I suppose some relationships don’t mind that aspect if it is mutual — But if you are truly tired, that is miserable, and it will affect how you approach that problem in the moment.
Anecdotally: I’ve seen this advice stem from a fear where the problem won’t be discussed the next day. Rather, actively avoided. That’s a different problem that isn’t about short-term de-escalation, but instead commitment and long-term resolution.
And I also know from first-hand experience that not talking about things is very dangerous in the long run. Solving problems is a skill which needs to be learned and practiced.
But well, I agree that every relationship is different. Do something which works for you and act with common sense. And if you're both tired, go to bed and hug :)
There are also, as the article suggests, some disagreements just not worth chasing to the bottom.
I agree that it's unproductive to talk about something when emotions are out of control. Both should take a break, a walk, time to cool down.
What I think is, that late in the evening I get into a state, where I am too exhausted to defend my point of view. And sometimes that is the key to accept a different opinion more easily.
But your right. Some problems cannot be solved in an evening. I guess it alreday helps to talk about them and maybe agree to disagree for now.
Arguing helps uncovering those differences and leads to understanding your partner. If you do it frequently, it helps you be more aware of such things.
The goal is to minimize those times where you need to argue. The positive side effect of talking it through in the evening is that you can go to bed and wake up without holding a grudge. But as I said, it's not that easy and it requires both sides to be able to find a solution in a civilized way.
If you think negotiating at least an understanding to put an issue temporarily to rest before sleep and using sleep as an emotional weapon are the same thing - your relationship is REALLY in trouble. (And so is how you look at the world in general)
It's perfectly OK to say "I think you're really wrong about this, but let's talk tomorrow. I'd just like to sleep". The healthy response there isn't "I WONT LET YOU SLEEP BEFORE YOU AGREE"
You have to not put off those conversations. But don't make "before you go to bed" an ironclad rule, because the more tired you are, the harder it is to work through the issue.
Absolutely! Have the fight you're having. The fight you had yesterday or last week or whenever is off topic.
On the other hand, I know very few adults who do their best thinking or are at their most gracious at 3am. Sometimes going to bed is the right choice.