I do sometimes wonder if dirty reads are what the business folks actually want.
Not necessarily unconstrained dirty reads. But if it were possible to say, "The statistics in your reports may only be accurate to (say) +/- x%," would that be good enough?
Going really philosophical, might they even make better decisions if they had less precision to work with? There are certainly plenty of studies that suggest that that's basically how it works when people are managing their investments.