I hate this thought process with the same burning passion you hate self checkout, probably more in fact.
You dutifully wander through the aisles gathering your goods, You slide your card, operate the pin pad, carry your own goods to your car. These are all goal directed activities you completed for YOURSELF in order that you could consume or use the products you have so acquired. There is no fundamental difference between scanning your own goods and sliding a card.
You aren't paying for someone to scan eggs and put it in a little bag you are paying for someone to manage every step between where the hen laid the egg and making it conveniently available on a shelf 1/2 a mile from where you live.
You aren't getting paid for doing it yourself like you aren't getting paid for carrying your own goods to your car instead you are benefiting from a price point enabled by the degree of automation and self service that the store engages in. Its ironic that people simultaneously flock to stores that have even slightly lower prices while complaining about lack of help. Simultaneously driving and bemoaning the same trend.
Your anecdote about bringing back the cashiers for the worst of both worlds sounds like a buggy whip manufacturer gleefully cackling at the unreliability of early cars. I believe we both know how THAT turned out. Given that Walmart was doing inventory on all its socks by walking past the socks with a wireless reader 10 years ago I'm pretty sure even your can of baked beans will have a chip in the label before long and your self checkout experience will be literally consist of solely being asked to pay for the goods in your cart. At this point paying an entire body to baby site each transaction would be wasteful and silly as 99% of them will consist of you touching a button on your phone or on store hardware to pay.
You say that self checkout is "ageist" in an era where even people turning 60 years old today probably saw a computer by the time they were 30. In 10 years this will be true of our 70 year olds. Are we just supposed to pretend that people who didn't have a phone shoved in their hand at 5 can't learn? That would seem in itself to be ageist. The reality is that old machines sucked pretty badly and older people don't like change and have taken their impression from older machines. This isn't the same thing as being incapable. For those that truly do have difficulties it ought to be sufficient to have staff on hand to help.
There is fundamentally no difference between waiting in line 2 minutes patiently in line and standing at a self checkout while the attendant helps others there for the same duration but people don't seem to react the same at all. In fact properly regarded what having 4 self checkouts with one attendant instead of 1 cashier with one computer is the probability of waiting far less.
Would you rather wait behind 3 other people or would you rather checkout out immediately and wait 30 seconds if you need help with the machine?