In all seriousness, I just don't buy that .NET is an amateur language that prevents you from doing certain things. C# is a great, rapidly evolving language with a lot of functional programming features built in. On the other hand (as a developer who used C# for almost 4 years), I felt it gave me more freedom than most other environments. You can even drop down to pointer manipulation in performance critical areas when needed...
And with all the support for asynchronous programming, it makes it easy to write truly scalable web applications with a similar paradigm to Node.js.
And ASP.Net MVC is really nice... if I weren't developing on a Mac and in love with Heroku, I'd probably be using it over Ruby on Rails.
tl;dr; - your rant is only applicable if you are only talking about VBA developers. Modern C# on .NET with ASP.NET MVC is a pretty nice environment.