How to ask for things | Hacker News Reader

How to ask for things

unschooled.org

87 pointsnicholasjbs14 comments

When asking a friend for help, I always go by the adage business before pleasure.

Write a small paragraph describing what you want. Start with a one sentence summary. End with pleasantries. If you do it in the reverse order, it seems much more like you are trying to exchange pleasantries for a favor, and feels like there is less genuine interest in the person's life.

I think that's because a lot of people front-load the request for a favor with a lot of pleasantries, and you just build that gut reaction of fear because you don't know how big the favor will be until it's asked.

The thing I hate to hear most of all? "Can I ask you a big favor?" Just ask me the favor. When I hear those words, I brace myself. It's doubly annoying when the favor is small.

Ah the "big favor". In a business context, I always say "No. Apologies but I have to take care of X, maybe Y can help you instead?".

Of course if you had just come out and asked me from the start, I'd be more likely to help you especially if its something that interests me.

Your adage reminds me of a catchy coinage that's stuck with me in the years since I first read it: the "suck/ask separation". See:

http://www.slate.com/id/2131597/&#taosuck

Brilliant. Well-put. No matter how busy I get, when I get a nice succinct 3-5 sentence email with a specific question, I'm always happy to take a few minutes to answer.

It doesn't even matter who it's from or what they're asking. Form is everything.

I bet the majority of requests go unanswered because the recipient simply doesn't understand what they need to do to participate.

Beating around the bush is self-sabotage. Be specific, demanding, but polite. If you know how the person can help you, give concrete steps. If you don't, be very clear about what you need help with.

Also one more: Write skimmable content. This is done by breaking things up into structured paragraphs or lists, ideally gracefully degrading thanks to a general summary in the beginning and call to action in the end.

Or better yet ask them in person or over the phone. I was able to meet Dave Thomas (of Pragmatic Programmers) earlier this year and I just asked if he would be interested in sponsoring my weekly Hacker Newsletter. We talked for a minute and I gave him what I was thinking and he said they could definitely do that. I was pretty nervous asking, but it couldn't of been easier.

I see a glaring omission here.

The 13th law of power: When asking for help, appeal to people's self-interests, never to their mercy or gratitude.

http://robertgreene.net/the-48-laws-of-power.html

(The 40th law of power is also relevant: Despise the free lunch.)

I like these rules. I can`t agree more with you about applying to people`s self-interests. I think that principle "I`ll scratch your back if you scratch mine" is very powerful. When friends receive your request for help they will often look for a reason to help you. So, it might be a good rule to give them in your request an answer to WIIFM. BTW, I experienced the truth of #45 - Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform too much at Once. We are creatures of habit and hate when someone threatens them.

Stick your one-sentence summary in the subject line. If possible, omit the rest (unless the person you're contacting is likely to be offended by a lack of pleasantries).

It's also important to understand the recipient's business. I made sure to do some research, if I wasn't already familiar, of all the YC alumni companies that I contacted for assistance with the application. If you don't spend time learning about their company, why should they do you any favors?

Don't forget to clearly mention what you're willing to give in return.

I think part of the point is that many out there are willing to help without necessarily getting anything in return aside from goodwill and karma.

It's important to not frame it as a transaction, or the person you are asking might evaluate it as such.

People want to feel like they are doing something for nothing in return, just goodwill and karma. But they are more likely to help if you make them feel that way AND give them something in return.

Sorry for the accidental downvote! I meant to upvote you.

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