Help HN: I am trapped and it's making me ill | Hacker News Reader

Help HN: I am trapped and it's making me ill

10 pointstrappedaway8 comments

I don't have anybody to ask for help and guidance, so I just hope the HN hivemind might help me. I am stressed, depressed and I literally have nothing to look forward to, and feeling cornered might be the cause of my constant illness.

My boss passed away from cancer last month. I am a director and have a big minority share. The company is doing great, it's remote, small (4 FT employees) and worth a few millions. The boss before dying delegated his work, the idea was selling after his death, but whoever inherited his majority share don't want to sell now, "probably next year". They don't know anything about the business, so I have to do all the tech work I was doing before + all the business decision now, until _they_ decide it's the right time to sell. I signed up to write code, not to wear both the CTO and CEO hats.

I live alone. I don't have any friends nor family in this country. Every single one left and went abroad for one reason or the other. I talk to family and old friends who all live abroad via the Internet, but no-one has told me "hello" in person in 6 months. My mother hasn't worked in a decade and I've been giving her some money every month to help her get by.

I'm anxious, now it's a panic attack every few days, depression, I can't watch a movie for more than 10 minutes, I used to love gaming, I don't have the energy to even boot one up. I keep the business afloat, do what needs to be done, but I haven't implemented a new feature in months.

I am out of shape because now eating is an emotional outlet. I feel nauseous when waking up or after eating. I leave the house twice a month for a quick walk, and I'm too self-conscious about my appearance to do it more often.

My health and sanity have declined quickly, and I don't know what to do.

I can't quit, it would kill the company and I don't want to lose my share of it. Making friends is hard. Getting fit is a long journey. I'm here breathless and panicky and I don't know what to do.

Hello there. There is always a way out, don’t feel trapped. I was in a similar situation recently, although as an employee. I turned down some job offers earlier in the year. Then coronavirus hit, my job became stressful and it is not easy to find a new job now.

I used Tim Ferris’s fear-setting principle, you can find it on YouTube. I evaluated the worst that can happen if I walk away from my job. I lose my income, and lose face with family and friends. In your case the loss of your hard-earned equity.

Then I computed my monthly expenses against my total savings. To see how long I can go without earning a dime. In your case you should include the amount you send to your mum as essential... Please don’t consider it a burden. For family and friends, they will all be fine in the long run. At least those that really care about you.

This steps will give you perspective on what will happen if you lose everything overnight.

That is on the most extreme end.

You are not trapped. You can take a break from day-to-day tasks, for a day or a week. You can speak to the other shareholder, of the need for a CEO, or someone or two people to handle the task you don’t like. Or they can only come to you for decisions that are extremely important.

If the business suffers as a result of any of these. That should be an acceptable price to pay. Please find a way to accept that.

Also please leave the house more often. I find that morning or evening walks are good for the mind. And some form of human interaction can improve your mood instantly. You can find opportunities to volunteer in non-tech endeavors, where you can interact with people that have a common goal and more positive outlook on life.

I hope this helps you. If you want to talk to anyone, you can reach me through my bio.

The facts are your health is rapidly declining and you don’t want to quit your job. You have to tell the majority owner you cannot keep juggling both roles at the same time and that you are at your wits end and need his help before you burn out completely.

You have to talk to the majority shareholder and tell them the situation: You either need to sell, or bring someone on to assume the CEO responsibilities. And you're out of time so you need to decide now.

If they won't budge, always remember that your health is more important than money. Fear of loss is not a good enough reason to ruin your health. In other words: You may have to quit regardless of the loss. Be ready for that possibility.

But first thing first: Talk to the majority shareholder and make sure they understand the situation on the ground. 95% of problems arise from miscommunication and misunderstanding.

> I can't quit, it would kill the company

It sounds like you have some leverage. Have some discussions with the company about what you need.

And see a therapist to help you sort out your issues and figure out how to deal with them.

If you quitting would kill the company, then you have leverage. Use it.

Don't threaten, but be clear that the current situation is not viable and that changes are going to have to be made. Suggest the changes and see how they respond.

Then depending on the response, reassess the situation (both the company's and yours). Remember - when health is at risk always put your health first.

Hi there! It sounds like you're going through a burnout. I think that once you accept it, then you can take the necessary steps to make the situation better. Hit me up if you'd like to chat, my email address is in my about section.

It's not the external events that are the problem, but the way one reacts to them. Healthy people simply deal with their problems keeping more or less positive attitude during the process. The moment you start getting into a downward spiral of retreat from life, sabotaging oneself, having a "crisis" twice a week - you know you need to start digging, because your emotional configuration defines you as not prepared for dealing with the world. Every form of walking in circles for a prolonged amount of time is the same thing.

Psychotherapy. Definitely.

Have you considered talking with a mental health therapist? Sometimes that can help.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com